Once upon a time last night at the Millennium Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles, a fairy godmother named Andy Cohen hosted the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” reunion. He was a sight to see indeed, his lovely costume even managing to match the hot pink curtains off in the distance.
With him were six pent-up Housewives, who were superficially criticized as looking “deformed” from all their face tinkering. But for us, their love of stretching, cutting, and filling their epidermies wasn’t the most blatant no-no to our eyeballs; in fact, we’re still wrestling over which observation was more offensive: Andy’s hairy little sprouts peek-a-booing from his ears (this is a sign of a straight man!) or Kyle’s angry glossy lip puckers that seemed to drown out a spirit of reconciliation. Hmmm…what say you?
Although there was no host-tossing at this Housewives reunion, we must note there was the resurrection of the word “jellybean”! But this time, “jellybean” wasn’t used to describe a sedative for mentally unstable giants from New York City; this time, it was used as a word synonymous to “jealous”! How quaint! Lisa was “jellybean” of Kyle’s relationship with Taylor! Heehee—forty-somethings speaketh in confectionary code!
Before we give all the goodies away, here’s a recap of last night’s brawls, sans drama from Adrienne, of course:
The Nasty, Endless Adjective Segment
How would you describe “the most hated Housewife ever?” Conniving, passive aggressive, narcissistic, insecure, catty, self absorbed, insincere, and delusional were but a few choice words that were brought up to characterize how people view the sculpture that is Camille Grammer.
Although she admitted her pie hole did its own regrettable trash talking throughout the season, Camille didn’t believe she deserved to be “villainized” as she had been. But hey, let’s not waste time talking about that—let’s talk about something funner, like soft porn!
“You have the balls of a burglar to be throwing rocks like that when you live in a glass house,” Kyle shot back at Camille when she dissed her best friend Faye Resnick for posing for Playboy while she herself had bared a little sumpin sumpin for Cinemax back in the day.
Wow, we say. Not ‘Wow’ that Kyle called out Camille’s hypocrisy, but ‘Wow,’ how did Kyle come up with such an anatomically appropriate analogy?
The Blond Follies
Just like her sister Kyle, Kim had prepared her own ‘Gotcha, bizatch!’ speech to make Taylor look like a hypocritical Housewife beater. She brought up how odd it was that Taylor was an organizer for an anti-domestic abuse charity but wanted to “get Oklahoma” on Kim’s scrappy little arse back in New York. And because that was the only comeback she had in her mental Rolodex, Kim made sure to repeat it a few times over like a kindy-gartner until Taylor, who claimed it was a total joke, gave her the look of death and eluded to Kim being an unstable lush-muffin.
“Should we talk about [Kim’s] state of mind when she sat at the table?” the Lip-Implant Lover said to her BFF Kyle sitting next to her.
With no more words to shoot back at Taylor, Kim sat in full vulnerability, as if she had a cone of shame squeezed around her neck.
Kelsey Is More Interesting Than You, Camille
Camille and Kyle went to town again like a “Nat Geo Wild” scene concerning the snide comment that Kyle had supposedly made when Camille told her she was going to be filmed in Hawaii sans her famous hubby. In Camille’s insecure paranoid head, Kyle said something like this to her: “Why would anyone be interested in you without Kelsey there?”
No headway came about, except Camille managed to slip in that Kyle was a “bully” with Kyle shooting back at her to “Quit using the buzzword of the moment.”
One interesting tidbit that was revealed was that Kyle was the one who had personally asked Camille if she’d want to be part of the show.
The Bully: “Why would I want you on the show and not want them to film you, Camille?!”
Camille: “Because you wanted a target.”
Andy: “Are you overly sensitive in the way people perceive you because of your husband?”
(Thanks, Camille, you kinda just proved that ‘The Bully’ has got her story straight.)
Kyle, Why You Gotta Be Like That?
To end things on a Mean Girl note, Kyle brought on her razor tongue…and unfortunately did herself a disservice.
Andy: “Do you think that Kyle is “jellybean” of you?”
Camille [emphatically]: “No, I don’t.”
Kyle [speaking with breakneck speed]: “Well, now you say that after you realized that everyone’s laughed at you for a whole season, so…”
Camille: “Ouch [awkward silence]…that’s harsh…what you just said was so catty.”
Kyle agreed with her—unapologetically. Ouch, indeed.
One point for Camille for that one, Miss Bully.
Part deux of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” reunion airs on Bravo next Thursday at 9/8c.