‘Bachelor’ Recap: Driving Off Demons and a Tale of Two Ashleys

Emily and Brad on "The Bachelor." (Photo: ABC)

Emily and Brad on "The Bachelor." (Photo: ABC)

On last night’s “The Bachelor,” the eleven remaining girls began to feel the mounting pressure as their fallopian tubes gravitated even closer to Brad, their one and only beloved sperm donor! But unlike them, Brad was in the mood to gamble with love—hence, he took the ladies on their first major trip—Sin City!

Although the week appeared to be a bit of a bumpy ride, thanks to the Emily-NASCAR date set-up, Brad ended up gaining confidence in his decisions and was determined more than ever to fulfill his mission: Obey thy expensive British therapist at all costs.

Check out the brilliant shenanigans below:

Face of Death
Love embalming here we come! Shawntel N. and her Stair Master thighs get the most coveted Pretty Woman fantasy date ever with Brad—a shopping spree on the network’s dime! The two giggle as they jump in and out of dressing rooms! Out pops Brad in a Willy Wonka purple jacket, while the small town girl snags suede booties and a $5,000 Fendi purse! She struts back into the hotel tripping over her dozen shopping bags, and the girls decide they’ll beat her up gangsta-style in her sleep.

Dressed in her million dollar outfit, Shawntel has dinner with Brad on the rooftop, nervous about revealing that she pumps chemicals into dead people for a living.

“I’m gonna eat as I’m talking,” she says as she explains to him that she’s a funeral director and embalmer. “That makes one of us,” Brad responds as he half-chokes on a chicken bone. The lovely pair proceed to have the most mundane of convos—subjects ranging from open caskets to molding people’s faces to cross-eyed cats. Suddenly, the champagne pops off by itself—Brad thinks it’s a ghostie! But once he sees Shawntel’s lady-like endowments, he does not fear death!

“I think you’re the hottest funeral director I’ve ever met,” he says as he offers her a rose. Suddenly, fireworks explode in the Vegas night sky, and they kiss!

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Speed Dating
Brad takes his group date to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway for some NASCAR racing! Emily frowns, and we soon regret not being able to see her blinding white teeth until after the commercial break.

Knowing nothing about her late fiance’s NASCAR background, Brad takes Emily aside to talk about why she’s being a sour puss in her blueberry race car costume. She explains to him that her former flame, Ricky Hendrick, was a NASCAR driver and that it was at this very speedway that his driving career ended.

“I feel like a jerk,” Brad says flaring his nostrils with worry and embarrassment.

But Brad musn’t worry! Emily is a brave Barbie! She jumps into a race car, albeit with tears in her eyes from all her memories, and drives off to show Brad that she wants to move on from her past. ZOOM! Off she goes, searching for the ABC producers and Chris Harrison to run over!

Oh, You’re Special
Dinner time! Brad and his group of ladies begin the night with champagne…and him whisking Emily away! Rage begins to set in some of the girls, especially the contestant with the most cush in her tush, Alli.

“Just because somebody has the saddest story, she get the most attention?!” she screams. Once she gets her time with Brad, she complains to him with raccoon eyes: “It’s hard to feel special.” Brad looks off into the distance and flexes his biceps with rage and confusion.

As for his time with Emily, Brad tells her he’s concerned about her Ricky baggage. “That’s a hard, hard, hard space for any man to fill,” he confesses. She tells him not to worry, and with that, he pulls her away again in front of all the envy-flushed ladies and awards her the rose.

Chris Harrison Defends ‘The Bachelor’s Controversial NASCAR Date

Jailhouse Rock (of Love)
Ashley H. and Ashley S., the two BFFs with the same name, must compete for Brad’s heart on the odious two-on-one date! As if we’ve never seen this before, the two munchkins are taken backstage to Vegas’ equivalent to a Broadway show, Viva Elvis Cirque du Soleil, and are told that one of them will be performing with Brad-dilda in front of a live audience! The trick is that he must choose the leading lady! Ashley S. is feeling mad insecure, even though her competition is, like, with a senior citizen.

At dinner, Brad follows his heart. “Ashley S., I think you’ll make an extraordinary wife, but I don’t think you (or your phenomenally small shoulders) will make an extraordinary wife for me,” he claims regretfully.

The senior Ashely H. wins, and together, she and Brad float on wires that give both of them horrendous wedgies. As they prance around in the air to Elvis’s “Are You Lonesome Tonight?,” Ashley S. is seen driving away in a limo shaking uncontrollably with tears streaming down her face. Probably one of the most insensitive montages the producers have put together—ever! Shame! Shame!

Playing Rough
Feeling empowered by his therapist preaching that “strength and vulnerability” can co-exist, Brad charges into the girl’s swanky pad and tells Chantal not to be such an annoying jack-wad and on a different note, makes Alli feel special by feeding the junk in her trunk some chocolate cake.

Sensing there’s some serious cognitive behavioral therapy action going on, Michelle pulls Brad into a room, shutting the door behind them.

Forcing him to sit in a chair, she lays down the law—dominatrix style! “You cannot speak in this room,” she directs him as she sits on his lap.

“I’m different than all of the girls, and so I want you to keep that in mind…and I think we should send some girls home now,” she says confidently. Their tongues bury into each other’s mouths, and B-Diddy is smitten!

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Buh-Bye, Strangers
In the end, two of the most unseen and seemingly uninteresting girls of the season get axed: Marissa and Lisa. (And yawn.)

Highlights From Future Episodes
Costa Rica! Big brown horses! Anguilla! French Kissing! South Africa! Michelle’s silicone smashing into Brad’s man breasts! Brad crying en route to the podium of love!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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