‘The Bachelor’: Tales From The Crypt

The Bachelor (ABC)

The Bachelor (ABC)

Things were getting really familiar on last night’s “Bachelor” when Brad took on his biggest adventure yet—hometown dates!

With Chantal O., Ashley H., Shawntel N., and Emily opening their hearts even more by introducing their loved ones, the Texan got a taste of what it’d be like to share his life with the variety of Fockers (and one Little Focker) that lay before him.

Check out if the ties did indeed bind…

Slapless in Seattle
It’s Chantal O. time in Seattle, Washington! Wearing dark clothes and a pair of spanx to hide her extra stuffin, Chantal greets Brad and shows off her ginormous home and family of pets. Brad is impressed and can smell the dolla dollas. She then takes him four streets down to what looks like a Disney Land castle but is actually her parents’ mansion! Mom, Dad, and little bro greet him with joy as their laughter and small talk echo for miles and miles in the foyer. At dinner they sit down and scream across the long table so they could hear each other speak.

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When dad and Brad have a man-to-man talk, the two realize they’re both “self-made” men and had craptastic pappies. On the subject of Chantal, Brad asks Mr. O’Brien if he thinks his little slap-happy princess is ready for a serious relationship, (even though what he really wants to know is if she’d be open to not signing a pre-nup). Daddy confirms she’s ready, and they embrace for as long as is appropriate for two heterosexual, self-made men are able without things looking suspicious.

After Chantal kisses Brad-Diddy and sends him home, she races back into the house and eats his leftovers.

Rendezvous in Maine? Si. Oui.
It’s happy time in Madawaska, Maine! Ashley H. takes Braddy-cakes to a French restaurant where he decides to speak his best Spanish when ordering food. (Blond. Moment.)

“I think I could live here,” he tells Ash—just like he told Chantal the day before.

Vroom! Vroom! Ash takes Mr. B to meet her fam. She opens the front door and screams with delight! A huge fro of raven hair emerges shaking with excitement, and we discover underneath all that Nice ‘N Easy, is her mom screaming, too! Brad enters the house and his ear drums explode as a cacophony of deafening cackles smack him in the face as he meets her mom, dad, her inked-out sister (who’s a cross between Amy Winehouse and the Progressive Car Insurance Gal), and her brother, who looks like he could possibly be a candidate for A&E’s “Intervention.”

After everyone finishes a bout of Mariah Carey high-octave range laughter, Brad helps clean up all the broken glass on the floor and sits down to have a pleasant Red Lobster dinner.

After complimenting each other on their plaid shirts, Brad and Daddy-o sit down to talk about Ashley’s ambitions to rid the world of gingivitis, and in that moment, Brad becomes frightened. “Can I keep up with Ashley? I don’t know,” he says to the camera with a facial expression that looks as if he squeaked one out.

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Tales From the Crypt
Chico, California, has got Brad in da house! After watching Shawntel N.’s funeral home commercial a hundred times and laughing his J-Lo off, Brad enters The Death Chamber and is greeted by the cutesy embalmer. “I want him to come here not being afraid of death,” she says as she high-fives one of her cadavers.

She gives him a tour, shows him the crematory, and then takes him down into the basement to illustrate how she slices and dices and pumps chemicals into the dead. Guppy-eyed and speechless, Brad tries to go with the flow, even lying down on the prep room table, but he freezes up in fear—and so does his libido!

“We have fun,” her monotone father says unconvincingly over a macaroni and cheese dinner. Brad smiles politely as Mr. Death says that his eldest daughter is supposed to take over the family business. On hearing her father’s speech, Shawntel downs her wine and says she might move for the sake of love.

“Our plans of succession will fail if you leave!” pleads her father trying to make her feel guilty. She tells Pops to chill, and the thought of splashing formaldehyde in Brad’s drink crosses his mind. Nonetheless, Mr. Death gives Brad and Shawntel his blessing in front of his tight-lipped wife and his Sweet Valley High younger daughters.

Before Brad can flee to his car, Shawntel tells him she’s in love. He smiles…and then shivers.

Stepdaddy Braddy?
Charlotte, North Cackey-lackey, here we come! When Brad meets Emily’s lil’ one, Ricki, things don’t go as he had initially planned. After hours of trying to get her to smile or even give him eye contact, Brad starts getting the sneaking suspicion that Ricki could indeed be The Omen. But wait! Hallelujah! The overly shy crumb snatcher finally giggles as Brad-dilda traipses in the wind with a butterfly kite he bought for her!

After playing board games with the little blond and pretending to enjoy every minute of it, Brad tucks her in for nighty night. Trying to respect the mother-daughter bond, he tells Emily he will not make-out with her on the couch. Miss Barbie wasn’t feeling any of that.

“If this thing works out, she’ll always be upstairs sleeping,” she says, making him feel like a doofus.

To make up for the awkward moment, the ivory-toothed Southern belle grabs him and smothers his face with one, long juicy kiss…the next day, the Hendricks family leaves a pile of dog poop at her front door.

Death Need Not Enter
In the end, Brad decides to send Shawntel N. back to her life of death! (Hey, at least she got the shopping spree in Vegas.)

Highlights from Next Episode
South Africa! Sexy safaris! Fantasy suite! (Oooh, are you ready for some boom shaka laka?!)

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.


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