‘The Bachelor’: Call Of The Wild

The Bachelor (ABC)

The Bachelor (ABC)

Last night’s “Bachelor” was a “Nat Geo Wild” extravaganza as Brad took his three remaining minxes to South Africa! “I have no clue what I’m doing!” he exclaimed, and from the looks of it, we couldn’t agree more!

And to make things worse, he managed to have less game in the fantasy suite department than the wild monkeys picking at each other’s fleas!

Check out Brad-on-cu-lous’ misadventures here:

Hungry Hungry Hippos
Brad picks up Chantal to go on safari! Lions sleep, oh my! Giraffes bat their enviable long eyelashes! Zebras sniff each other in their chunky striped badonka donks! Bored and hoping for some action, the tour expert takes the two to the most susceptible area where baboons and hippos attack romantic couples. As they eat their lunch, Chantal stares at the hippo lounging in the nearby waters and feels empathy for its bloated stomach.

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Ready to jump his bones and show him she’s wilder than a wildebeest in bed, Miss Sells-Cars-A-Lot suggests that she and Brad get married at dinner! Ignoring her request because he wants to share his manhood with the other two ladies later on, he hands her the fantasy suite card. She eagerly accepts, and he takes her to a roofless tree house. As she climbs up, the tree house creaks and becomes unhinged. Down below, Chris Harrison quietly unleashes a swarm of mosquitoes, hoping that they’d bite the crap out of them as they attempt to do the humpty hump.

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Elephant Man
Brad surprises Emily by showing her that there actually is something that has whiter tusks than her—an elephant! He takes her on a ride on the giant gentle creature, and they both end up smelling like elephant sweat. As they eat their picnic meal of fried caterpillars, Brad lies to her and says he misses ‘lil Ricki. The Blond Baby Mama asks if he’s ready for a five-year-old to be in his life. With the greatest hesitation, he says “yes,” and they kiss amid kissing baby elephants.

At dinner time, Brad gets a case of the jitters because he really wants to do dirty things with his Southern Barbie. He hands her the fantasy suite card like an eager beaver, but she says she “wants to set a good example” for her daughter, so there won’t be any bow chicka wow wow! tonight. As they chat in the fantasy suite and play a little bit of innocent tonsil hockey, the Hendricks Family sneaks into Emily’s lodge and sadistically leaves a NASCAR toy car on her pillow.

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Lost in Translation
Freaking Ashley H. out, Brad takes the ole lady on a helicopter ride! To try to help calm her nerves, she downs a full glass of Ovaltine but screams the whole ride over! Once they land at a place that resembles Easter Island, Ash tells the Texan her ambitious plan to take over the world, one rotten tooth at a time. She doesn’t mention moving to Austin at all and then commences to yap like a neurotic freak about her future and not their future. To shut her up, he gently tells her she needs a balance of love and ambition. She ignores him and looks off in the distance as she inhales a bag of Lays potato chips and jellybeans.

The miscommunication continues and both start getting frustrated at dinner. “Why are we spending so much time reassuring ourselves instead of just going with it?” Brad-dilda asks. For the heck of it, he decides to offer her the fantasy suite card, and although she immediately accepts, sparks don’t fly. No Action Jackson here!

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Goodbye Tooth Fairy
Before he kicks Ash off at the rose ceremony, Brad takes her aside and apologizes for backing her into a corner. However, he says he doesn’t understand how their communication went so awry. “I don’t know if I fit into your life,” he says. She cries, but he says he’s “confident” in his decision. She jumps into the Jeep Of Rejection, and to comfort herself, she pulls out her laughing gas mask, cackling like a hyena amid streaming tears.

After hours of roasting in the African sun, Emily and Chantal end up getting massive farmer’s tans. Brad finally walks over to the girls and offers them roses as hippos watch and create questionable bubbles in the water.

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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