Hope you’re ready for some Wrestlemania leftovers! We are live and in high definition from Tampa, Florida. Our hosts for the evening are Josh Matthews, Jerry Lawler, and Booker T.
Last Man Standing Match: CM Punk wasn’t able to answer the ten count after Randy Orton and his five o’clock shadow gave him an RKO off of the top rope.
Wait, is Orton’s five o’clock shadow ripping off Kurt Angle? Uh oh…
Before the match, the anonymous Raw General Manager banned the New (and not terribly improved) Nexus from ringside, thus robbing Randy of the opportunity to single-handedly wipe them all out again. Kendo sticks were the flavor of the match with both guys taking some violent shots. Other highlights included Punk side-Russian leg sweeping Orton onto a steel chair, Orton RKOing Punk onto the announcer’s table (which didn’t break), and Punk giving Orton the GTS onto the steel ring steps. Overall a decent match, but the crowd didn’t seem that into it.
Afterward, Teddy Long, (Holla!) told Sheamus that he’d be defending (and I assume losing) his U.S. championship against Kofi Kingston in a table match. Sheamus isn’t cool with this as he doesn’t think Kofi is from the United States. He wants to see Kofi’s birth certificate. Well, Sheamus’s hair is as ridiculous as Donald Trump’s.
Table Match for the United States Championship: Kofi won the United States championship after putting Sheamus through a table with a boom drop off of the top rope. It felt something was off with the color on my TV as I’m not used to seeing Sheamus wearing red, white, and blue, and Kofi looked like a pack of Hubba Bubba with his hot pink/florescent green attire.
Wait, are Sheamus’s USA colors ripping off Kurt Angle? Uh oh…
Some cool stuff included Kofi doing a double foot stomp onto Sheamus’s chest, Kofi managing to keep himself from going through a table by straddling it, and the final boom drop off of the top rope to the floor was pretty awesome. But again, a decent match with a silent crowd. Weird.
After the match, R-Truth visited Todd Grisham to let him (and us) know how he feels about being pushed out of the main event. As you’d imagine, he’s not happy about it. He thinks it’s a conspiracy. He tries to spell conspiracy, but only gets halfway through before deciding to move on.
Tag Team Country Whipping Match: Michael Cole and Jack Swagger won after Cole was able to schoolboy Jim Ross. Michael Cole wore bubble wrap at the beginning of the match in an obvious nod to The Cat. (Yes, I’m aware that that joke dates me.) That didn’t last long though as Jerry Lawler quickly ripped it off of him. The story of the match revolved around Lawler and Ross trying to get their hands on Cole, but Swagger kept cutting them off. When Ross was eventually able to get ahold of Cole, what followed was pretty brutal.
Oh, that’s brutal as in sloppy, not as in violent.
This whole match was a bit of a trainwreck, and with Cole winning, sadly I think we’re in for more of this feud.
Note: WWE has a history of making matches with non-wrestlers entertaining, this just isn’t one of those times.
Next up Jonathan Cena had some interview time. He let us know that his long 10-month title drought ends tonight.
Falls Count Anywhere Match: Rey Mysterio defeated Cody Rhodes with a springboard splash after a 619. Before the match, Cody Rhodes had his representatives hand out paper bags to the uglier members of the audience. This bout went everywhere like an old-school Hardcore match. At one point they even ended up in a concession stand. Cool moments included Rey dropping the dime off of the rampway, Cody wheelbarrowing Mysterio onto the steel steps, and Mysterio spraying Cody with a Great Muta-esque mist. Pretty good match and the crowd seemed into it. One odd thing though, what’s the point of a falls-count-anywhere match where the fall takes place in the ring?
Afterward, Layla apologized to the other Divas for being rude to them. The Divas forgave her because for as much as they don’t like Layla, they like Michelle McCool much less.
Loser Leaves WWE Match: Lay-Cool explodes, brother! Why isn’t this the main event? It was the main event when Shawn Michaels retired!
Anywho, Layla won the match after reversing a pin out of the Faith Breaker. Not much to call attention to here. I guess the best thing I can say about it is it was way better than any match involving Michael Cole and Jim Ross.
When it was over, Kharma (who for those of you who are unfamiliar with the former Awesome Kong should know is HUGE) destroyed McCool with a double-underhook face breaker.
Next up, Alberto Del Rio is giving his personal ring announcer some tips on how to announce him as the new champion.
Ladder Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Christian claimed his first World title after Edge drove into the arena in a jeep and distracted Alberto Del Rio. At one point it looked like Christian was on his way to victory, but Brodus Clay snuck in and swiped the ladder out from under him. Big moments included Christian being pushed off of the top rope, landing on a standing ladder on the outside and hitting Del Rio with a crossbody, Del Rio hitting an armbreaker off of a tiny Hornswoggle-esque ladder, Christian hitting a spear in honor of his buddy Edge, and Del Rio nearly killing himself by missing a legdrop off of the top rope and through a ladder. Really good match, and the crowd really heated up toward the end.
After that we meet up with The Miz and Alex Riley. Alex is annoyed that the numbers are against The Miz in his Triple Threat Cage Match. The Miz isn’t interested in what Riley has to say. That makes two of us.
Lumberjack Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Kane and the Big Show defeated Wade Barrett and Ezekiel Jackson after Wade Barrett tagged himself into the match and ate a Show chokeslam. Not much to call home about here in this very short match, but it was impressive to see Ezekiel Jackson bodyslam the Big Show.
Triple Threat Steel Cage Match for the WWE Championship: John Cena won his 53rd World Championship by pinning The Miz after an Attitude Adjustment off of the top rope. At one point R-Truth interjected himself into the match, keeping John Morrison from escaping the cage. He also hit Cena with an axe kick. Memorable moments included Morrison and Cena (Johnx2) suplexing Miz off of the cage, Morrison hitting a C4 on Cena, and Morrison hitting a Starship Pain from off of the top of the cage. Decent match here, but I’m sorry if seeing Cena with the belt for the 10th time doesn’t inspire much interest from me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Cena hater, but after he lost it the last time, he didn’t seem that concerned. So, why should I care when he gets it back?
Final Thoughts: The show boasted some really solid matches that may have been held back by a quiet crowd. And, what was bad was relatively short. Worth checking it out on a replay if you get the chance.
Any Questions? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes