Mommies. The word alone makes you think of sunshine, Campbell’s Soup, and Snuggle fabric softener, doesn’t it? Now insert “Reality TV” before “mommies” and what thoughts come up then? Wait a minute—don’t tell us. It’s probably better that way.
We all know moms come in different shapes and sizes and sanity levels, so for Mother’s Day, we thought you’d like to be taken to the wild side and celebrate the most outrageous Reality TV Mamas on The Tube today.
Check out the maternal lessons we’ve learned from these lovely ladies:
Bethenny Frankel – “Bethenny Ever After”
Being a late bloomer in motherhood and professional success gives you license to juggle a lot of balls—and say the word “balls” a lot. When you become a NY Times Bestselling author, land a multi-million dollar deal selling a low-calorie girly margarita mix, and snag a cheesy gig to ice skate on TV all in a span of a few years, massive breakdowns are inevitable. That’s okay, though, you have enough money to pay for therapy and even have your sessions broadcast on cable TV, too.
NeNe Leakes – “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” “Celebrity Apprentice”
The name of the game is tough love, son. If your deadbeat child is seemingly taking advantage of all the hard-earned money you’ve worked for, kick him out and lash him with endless verbal grenades! That’ll teach him! Other ways to show you’re in charge and in control: Shout insults before thinking! Flash your plastic surgery badge with pride! And always carry around your “street game” because you never know when you might need to whoop somebody’s ass! Gotta protect Numero Uno, biatches!
Christina Aguilera – “The Voice”
Getting a divorce, fluctuating in weight, and having the po-po stop you for being an inebriated zombie with your new boy toy—well, since those are all kind of prereqs for being a true diva—you’re forgiven. And when your next gig entails 15 million pairs of eyes watch you pick yourself back up, jump into the judge’s seat to help people follow their dreams, and give a network a much-needed prime-time hit, you’ve hit a high note! Everybody loves a comeback story, right?
Joan Rivers – “Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?”
Being a comedic legend (and a walking ad for extreme plastic surgery) can be a curse sometimes, especially when it makes your only child feel so talentless and insecure. Awww. So how do you remedy such a power-struggle of a relationship? Be your normal overbearing self and move in with your daughter, tell her whom she should marry, how she should raise her kid, and try to get her to pose for a porn video for kicks. That’ll really help her get over her mommy issues.
Cindy Barshop – “Real Housewives of New York City”
You can have it all and keep your secrets, thank you very much. For the tough, downtown business woman who’s so over waiting for Mr. Right, go ahead and pull out your cash for that in-vitro, pop out twins in your 40s, and keep the baby daddy’s identity a secret! Why the hell not? It’s your life and you play by your own rules.
Alexis Bellino – “Real Housewives of Orange County”
Giving props to the Man Upstairs while busily worshiping your husband, running after your children (so they don’t disturb daddy), embarking on a clothing line venture because you have nothing better to do, and acting ferociously entitled make for the best co-dependent Mommy ever!
Kris Jenner – “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”
When you have a lot of children and they all happen to look dark and mysterious, then it’s time to sell them off to Hollywood, become their “Momager,” and make millions! Just about any endorsement will do, and the key is to take advantage of your daughters’ junk—upstairs and downstairs! It’s a great way to live vicariously through their fame and to party and act their age. Yippie!!!