Heart palpitations! Heart palpitations! Ramona Singer wasn’t the only one in need of an aortic valve replacement when she donned her “Crazy Eyes” and attacked Jill Zarin on Thursday night’s “Real Housewives of NYC“—we did, too! (And that’s even without mentioning Sonja Morgan’s cottage cheese-laden J-Lo booty flash earlier in the episode…but that’s another story).
So what the heckety heck happened? Here’s the short of it:
Jennifer, the Hamptons Bride—who’s sportin’ a young Candy Spelling look—decides to tattle-tale to Ramona that Jill had kinda ruined her once-in-a-lifetime moment on two fronts: 1) By complaining about Alex and Simon being at the wedding 2) And asking how she could ever be friends with Ramona. Ruh-roh.
Needless to say, at hearing this, Ramona flips out and immediately commits self-mutilation by letting her bangs stab her Crazy Eyes and self-medicates by gulping down her Pinot, which she keeps faithfully in one hand.
At her bubbly launch, the blond business woman, looking heinously possessed by fermented white grapes, nervously pulls Jill aside and goes on the attack! Her jumpy eyelashes, neck jerking, and lips-sticking-to-her-teeth do the emoting.
So what does the redheaded Lawwng Islander do? She chooses a “reformed” approach in dealing with conflict: She immediately denies Ramona’s accusations and throws the blame on some unidentified drunk arse wife who was also at the wedding.
“Oh my gosh!” Ramona screams at Jill in disbelief. “[Jennifer] told me you almost made her cry!”
By now Jill is ticked off beyond belief, and as if in slo-mo, we watch her thin out her lips in preparation to say her favorite line: “Just cuz you say it, it doesn’t make it true!” She continues her Lawwng Island fury: “You always put your foot in your mouth at the wrong time! You have no class—at your own party you attack me!” Damn, where’s the Oscar for this woman?
Catch Up: The Housewives Have a “Pecking Order,’ Don’t You Know…
After confronting Jennifer and basically telling her that she’s a liar, Jill returns to the party and confronts Ramona again, who continues her neck-jerking, hair-swishing, and yodel-screaming — all the while managing not to spill one lick of her special glass of Juicy Juice. As her animated eyes look aimlessly about, the inebriated blond confesses she’s been suppressing three years worth of anger over Jill talking smack behind her back!
“Ramona, you’re outta control,” Jill tells her calmly, implying she’s got a major Pinot-Polar problem. “You need help.” She walks out like a hero.
But heroes breakdown, too. Having felt “ambushed” yet again by the psycho blond, Jill flees to her car where the Countess is waiting to comfort her like a proper lady friend would do. “She did it to me again!” ugly cries Jill. “I can’t do this anymore! She’s such an evil b-tch!” She begins to pluck out gifts from her purse and tells the Countess to return them to Ramona. (We can’t clearly see what the gifts are, but to us, they look like a packaged donut and a prickly massage ball.) “I’m never talking to her again—I’m done!” screams the redhead with tears streaming down her newly juiced-up face.
Meanwhile, Ramona’s going ballistic recounting Jill’s gossipy ways to Jennifer, who’s secretly thinking how thankful she is for not regularly associating with these mid-life reality TV freaks.
“It’s wrong, it’s evil, it’s toxic—and now I’m never gonna be friends with her anymore! How bout that?!” asserts the Ramona Coaster, reminding us that there’s a haughty middle schooler still burning inside all of us.
Lesson from last night? Recovering Mean Girl Fibber + Pinot-Polar-Induced Paranoia = All Kinds of Crazy.
Don’t ever go there, ladies. It ain’t pretty.