Jealousy! Neglect! Betrayal! Violence! And diminutive husbands! On last night’s explosive season premiere of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” we discover that Teresa Giudice isn’t just bankrupt financially—she’s also bankrupt familially!
While Caroline Manzo and Jacqueline Laurita are shown dealing with the pangs of impending empty nest syndrome, we realize that their stories are merely boring filler compared to the dysfunctional sibling drama between Teresa and her younger brother, Joe Gorga.
Watch The Brawl Go Down:
So what caused the main rift between sister and brother? Answer: newbie cast member, Melissa, who is Teresa’s bro’s wife. Looking like a “Jerseylicious” version of Celine Dion, Melissa tells the cameras that ‘her heart can’t go on’ with all this bad blood and competition between her and her sister-in-law.
Unfortunately, the massive tension turns fugly really fast at Melissa and Joe’s youngest son’s christening. Not only does Joe’s constant round of shots contribute to the massive WWF showdown that occurs—with a Godfather-like goobery cry scene at the end—but the secret fact that Teresa’s hubby, Joe Giudice, has a major case of the runs is also to blame! If only his bowels were well enough, he could’ve accepted Gorga’s invitation to having shots and all would’ve ended up swell! Screw you, Pepto!
Here’s how the craptastrophe went down:
Teresa [walking up to Melissa and bro Joe, attempting to be civil]: “Hi guys, I know I said congratulations at the church, and I just wanted to say it again.” [Air kisses an embittered-face Melissa]
Joe Gorga [drinking his 10th round of Grey Goose]: “Why are you sayin’ it now? Just walk away, go.”
Teresa [looking angrily constipated]: “Are you kidding me?”
Joe Gorga: “Just do what you do everyday. Just walk the f–k away…take a f–kin’ walk. You’re garbage.”
Oh no, he di-int. And that’s exactly the expression Teresa gives him. Once she gets into a verbal tussle with Lysa, Melissa’s older sister, about whose side she’s really on, bro Joe begins to lose it! He has a small boy tantrum and slams the table, making spaghetti and meatballs fly everywhere! Mama Mia!
Like a calculating male hamster ready to attack another male hamster, Joe Giudice watches and seethes with diarrhea fury! He jumps in for the kill, and both Joes soar towards each other for the ultimate Oompa Loompa battle—Italian-style! Cameras fall! Other Italian Stallions join in and randomly pummel each other to look like tough guys! “I’ll f–king kill everyone of yous!” screams one of the Joes, which one—we don’t know!
Meanwhile, Teresa and Joe Gorga’s ailing father flees to another room to save his weak heart from breaking into a million pieces. After his bad son finishes yelping like a beat-up chihuahua and promises revenge on his brother-in-law, he runs around looking for his padre.
“You’re my father! You’re my f–king father!’ he pleads with his disappointed pops in tears, hoping he’ll side with him instead of Teresa and Joe, whom he blames for turning him against him.
Somebody cue up the “Godfather” score already!