It was a battle between Her Highness and Her Nerddom on last night’s “Real Housewives of NYC.” The question is, dahrrrlings—whoever did win? Was it The Countess, with her new-found spite? (We blame the growing testosterone raging in her system—don’t judge—you don’t know what it feels like to turn masculine with age!) Or was it Alex, with her new-found “voice” (i.e. desperation to stay relevant)? We’re not sure if there was a more stress-inducing moment than watching these two squawking over each other (although the scene where Simon squeezes Alex’s lingerie-laden fleshless glutes was a close second).
Check out how the broads got to brawling:
Elitists Have No Respect for Dorks
The Countess agrees to meet up with Alex over cappuccinos, believing that the latter is planing to apologize for causing Henna-Gate in Morocco. But before Alex can open her mouth to reveal her chubby teeth, LuAnn’s aggression ignites!
“I can’t possibly guess what you might want to discuss with me that makes you unhappy,” Her Highness says with Sasha Fierceness glinting in her tiny eyes.
Ignoring the adam’s apple that’s popping out of her frenemy’s dwarfed neck, Alex tells her she was legitimately concerned about how she was treating Ramona on the trip. LuAnn simply replies that Alex doesn’t need to be Ramotional’s “watchdog” and that she really needs to “get a life.”
“You’re doing it right now, you’re not even listening to me…if we’re going to be friends, you need to listen,” demands Alex, who’s starting to squint her eyes with equal divaliciousness. After Lady She-Man tells the blond to stay out of her business, calls her a “bully,” and wonders why she just won’t apologize, the Brooklynite bites back saying she’s “delusional.” What the ffff?! How dare she say that to Royalty! The Countess hunkers down and slimes Vaseline on her face—oh, she’s ready to play drrrty! Time to insult girlfriend’s shoes!
LuAnn: “You come after me in the house…in your Herman Muenster shoes…”
Alex [lips tighten and disappear]: “They’re Louis Vuitton shoes…”
LuAnn [throws her head back]: “Well, even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.”
Alex [mwah-ha-ha-ing sarcastically]: “Wow, that is so rude. This is why I’ve never approached you before.”
LuAnn [getting ready to leave]: “Don’t take this literally, but don’t forget what happens to the messenger, okay? Get a life.”
LuAnn triumphantly struts out of the restaurant, leaving Alex staring into her empty cup—with abhorrent cappuccino breath.
Our advice to Alex: If you want to fight with Delusionals, then you have to be delusional (and not just with your modeling career).
Our advice to LuAnn: Take your own advice—elegance is learned, ya habibi! And it looks like you haven’t learned it, Miss Thang.