‘Bachelorette’ Recap: Kickbox’d in the Heart

'The Bachelorette' (Photo: ABC)

'The Bachelorette' (Photo: ABC)

On last season’s “The Bachelor,” we thought Ashley was the smart one out of the ditzy emotional bunch. But now that she’s the daggum “Bachelorette,” we pity the fool!

The ridonculous decisions she made in Chang Mai, Thailand, last night was proof that her insecurities and sick wishful longings for Bentley will come back to haunt her and blow-up in her grill like an advanced case of periodontitis.

And let’s not even mention the second worst WTF group date ever planned: Kickboxing?! It’s one thing to have dudes rolling in olive oil—totally another having them unleash their inner Van Damme for a chick they’re not even sure they’d bring home to mommy and daddy.

Check out the one-two punches right here:

The Heat Is On
Ashley takes Ben F. to the marketplace to see if his persona will move beyond the Living Dead. The two gorge on fecal-filled street food and point at old men playing instruments as if they’re looking at ancient exotic artifacts. A few hours later, they walk to a sacred temple, and because they’re so close to such holy-moly goodness, their sinful selves are tempted to do some nasty! However, since they fear the curse of the gods, the lovebirds respectfully resort to mental kisses. (Don’t nerds do that in junior high?) “There’s so much tension that’s built up in this moment, I just want to jump on him! Rawrr!” screams Ash.

Watch Monday Night’s “Bachelorette” Now:

[iframe http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/tv/The-Bachelorette/38/2016248340/Week-5%2C-Part-1/embed 420 382]

For dinner, Ash brings the Geico Caveman look-alike to an outdoor floral paradise! Thanks to Chris Harrison’s interns, the romantic setting is beaming with an endless array of candles, which are strategically placed in the hopes of one of them catching on fire. Ben opens up about his deceased father and how emotionally unavailable he became immediately after his passing. He ends the soul-bearing convo by saying he’s ready to open up again and have someone caress his fluffly dark curls. Ash delightfully offers him the rose, and suddenly, female Thai dancers appear holding huge candles in each hand whilst shaking their bon bons in sensual slo-mo. A fire breather also emerges and blows explosive flames, singing Ben F.’s split ends.

Another Really Jacked-Up Group Date
Like the horrific roast group date, Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., and Mickey are in for another hard-hitting experience—but this time, it’s aimed at the gut! THAI BOXING, MUTHA CHUCKAS! The guys walk into an outdoor gym where Thai boxers are ready to train their jet-lagged J. Lo’s! After a grueling three-hour session, the guys are forced to jump into a taxi and discover they’ll have to punch each other’s cajones off in an outdoor public boxing ring! Ding, ding ding, ding! Testosterony TKO!

Unfortunately, Ivy Leaguer Ames, who bravely wore the hot pink boxing get-up, is a lover not a fighter, baby. And that becomes evident when he goes up against Sunshine Boy Ryan P.! The latter bashes Ames’ head (boom! boom! boom!), trying to damage his high I.Q.! Needless to say, the Harvardite loses but in a shocking twist, ends up going to the emergency room with a mild concussion. “I didn’t know it was going to turn into such a bloody fight,” Ash whines stupidly.

Here’s Part 2 of This Week’s “Bachelorette” Episode:

[iframe http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/tv/The-Bachelorette/38/2016239610/Week-5%2C-Part-2/embed 420 382]

At dinner time, morale is low. The guys are achy, swollen, and strewn with bruises and cuts in places we cannot speak of. Everyone’s concerned about Ames—but no more worrying! The smart chappy humbly walks into the room looking all dapper! Yipppie! Ash pulls him aside, and he charmingly reassures her he’s okay—just dizzy. (Quietly, though, he wonders: ‘Who the hell is this Ole Lady?’ and ‘Where am I?’)…

Wisdom Teeth
Dentist to dentist, Ash chats it up with shy boy Blake. Trying to justify his reserved nature, Mr. Big Teeth tells her he doesn’t believe in fast, intense love because he thinks it just burns up quickly with no hope for the long term. Ash has a faux “Ah ha!” moment as his words remind her of her situation with Bentley-Boo, and she tries to convince herself their budding relationship was destined for doom! Blake asks for reassurance, and so she offers it to him in the form of a rose. They proceed to face suck, their tongues exploring each other’s teeth to see who has the better quality veneers.

The Elephants in the Room
Ben C. and William go on the dreaded two-on-one date with Ash. At their picnic spread, William pulls her aside and underhandedly tells her that Ben C. is ready to go home because he’s been telling the dudes that he’s ready to unleash his desperate hormones on eHarmony! “At this point, some people have you on their minds and some people don’t,” the non-funny guy bluntly states. Suddenly, the massive insecurities of not being cute enough paralyze Ash’s brain cells all over again, and without questioning William’s allegations, she kicks Ben C. off the two-on-one! WTF!!!

She confronts him as they walk to the car and he tells her it’s all a betrayal, dammit! “I’m in complete shock…that was totally unexpected!” he tells the cameras with his hamster cheeks swelling up in fury.

It’s Karma, Biatch
Sleazy William thinks he’s home free as he gobbles down Drunk Man Noodles with Ash and shows off his pre-pubescent teeth. Cold and skeptical, she watches him as he laughs and reaffirms his “30-year-old boy” status. (Psst, Earth to P-Willy: She wants a man.) Almost without notice, Ash declares she ain’t feeling any sparks and kicks his wannabe-comedic arse to the curb. “I’m the world’s biggest f-cking jack a–,” William howls with red eyes to the cameras. Tight-lipped and bitter, Ash burns the rose…and has a seance for Bentley to come back.

Insecurity Resurrection
Again thanks to William’s stupidity, Ash is imploding with fears that the boys aren’t really into her bow legs and bleached teeth. At the cocktail party, she pleads for them to be true to themselves. “I know you might not fall in love with me,” she says pathetically. Meanwhile, Ames looks around dazed, wondering how he got to Thailand and if J.P. is a monk.

“I’m still thinking about Bentley…I need to stop,” she sighs to the cameras. “I do need closure with [him] before I move on with the guys.”

Ash sits down with Chris Harrison—who by now is totally aware that Bentley is Lucifer’s son (and a ratings pull)—and gripes about how she just can’t get his jheri curls out of her heart. “This isn’t going to work,” Chris says about her half-commitment to the guys. “How do we lay this to rest for good?” Her solution: She must talk to her beloved! Chris comforts Ash by saying he’ll try to pull some strings. Later we discover he sends an email to Bentley with a photo of Emily Maynard in traditional Thai dress inviting him to come explore Asia with her.

Meat Head Goes Home
Not impressed with his Olympic-sized deltoids, Ash gives Trainer Man Nick the boot. As his final way of saying goodbye, he does an impressive set of lunges towards the car, as his muscles bust open his dress shirt, his soul patch falls off, and his lemon-bleached curls frizz into a fro.

Highlights From Next Episode
Hong Kong! Bentley is back (this time for reals)! Ash gets trashed by the guys when they find out about Bentley! Oh, it’s gonna be good times, my pigeons!

Watch Full Episodes:
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

, ,

Comments are closed.