Could this possibly be the end of hearing the lovelorn phrase “dot dot dot” and the diabolical name “Bentley”? The former, perhaps. The latter—don’t bet your pinky toes on it.
On last night’s “Bachelorette,” the ever-gullible Ash realized a few life lessons during her stay in Hong Kong: 1) She’s a fool. 2) Bentley likes free trips to Asia. 3) The rest of the dudes weren’t about to give her a trophy for playing them.
Check out how the bitterness went down:
Connecting the Dots—and Finding a Period
Knock, knock, knock! Chris Harrison tells Ashley that Bentley’s chillin’ at the hotel. “Shut. Up!” she says in disbelief.
As she approaches Satan’s room, her nose and ears mysteriously start to bleed. She begins to hear evil whispers and powerful flashing lights seeping through his door! (Unbeknownst to her, Bentley’s going through his morning Exorcist-style head-spinning ritual.) When she knocks, the noise and lights immediately cease! He opens the door looking completely normal and gives her a kiss and a hug. They proceed to sit on the couch, and he observes her big swollen bug bites, which makes him even more unattracted to her.
Watch Part One:
But Ashley isn’t there to talk about her welts, biatches! She cuts to the chase, asking if he feels anything for her. Trying to dance around her growing anger, he tells her she’s welcome to come to Salt Lake if it doesn’t work out with any of the dudes. She tells him the “dot dot dot” deal on their relationship doesn’t work for her.
“I think you know where I’m at,” lies Demon Boy. “You’re here for a purpose. Knowing that I’m home, it doesn’t look good for me and you. I implore you to do all you can to see what you have here, I guess,” he says. But she ain’t buying into his dark spell this time! No more of this “dot dot dot” business—she demands a period, dammit! She tells him to man-the-freak-up and to give her some respect “as a human being.” Distracted by all the fun activities he’s planning on his free ride to Hong Kong, he finally tells her that maybe they should end their relationship with a period. Ash walks out in a huff.
“He’s such a player,” she says, finally letting her brain cells do the talking. “He disrespected me to the core.” She adds (to the camera): “Bentley, if you’re watching this—f–k you, I’m done with you.” Hallelujah! Praise da lawd! She finally sees the light!
Spurring on the Texas Cowboy
Ash takes Lucas out for dinner! Yee haw! They gleefully watch furry dragons dance around in the streets and nibble on food that looks like ginormous Oscar Meyer wieners made for dinosaurs! They jump onto a sailboat, and she asks the Texan what’s been the hardest thing he’s had to deal with in life so far. He mentions divorce, and with that confession, she gives him the rose and a kiss. He goes in for a second tongue expedition, and we are forced to watch his eyes roll back like a zombie as he sucks her face off and imagines he’s eating Texas barbecue. They dance the night away, and in the distance, we see Bentley backstroking in the black waters with a blow-up doll of Emily Maynard.
The Non-Amazing Race
Ash takes Ryan P., Mickey, Constantine, Ben F., Ames, and Blake on a dragon boat race for their group date! The guys are separated into three two-man teams, but since the boats need more man-power, they must find random people to help them! Upon seeing these scary American boys looking desperate and needy, the Chinese people in the area pretend they don’t know a lick of English.
In the end, Ames and Mickey’s team wins! And guess what?! Nobody gives a dang!
When dinner rolls around, Ames makes the first move and takes Ash into an elevator for some hot saliva exchange! Spanky spanky time! After adequately making out with Concussion Boy, Ash moves onto Ben F., who is dressed in a vulnerable Pooh Bear-colored sweater. Flaring his nostrils to the beat of his own heart, he leans in for a lip-lock and tastes Ames’ saliva on her mouth…suddenly, he feels a fever blister popping up onto his lip and whimpers.
In the end, though, Ash decides to give Ryan P. the rose (because of his lovely five o’clock shadow), and the guys verp (i.e. vomit burp).
Watch Part Two:
Confession Time With Mr. Clean’s Brother
Ash has dinner with J.P. in the middle of a park. After Baldy Boy tells her about his devastating past break-up, Ash feels so strongly for him that she decides to reveal her Bentley sins. Food falls out of J.P.’s mouth and his non-existent eyebrows arch in surprise, but after digesting her confession, he thanks her for her honesty. She offers him the rose, and he accepts. After a brief train ride, they end up on a rooftop and eat each other’s mouths for dessert like tasty fortune cookies. Forced to dress in traditional Chinese attire, an old Chinese man is nearby playing his Chinese musical instrument…and feeling completely objectified.
Grumpy Young Men
Having decided to confess to all the guys about Bentley, Ash wears a cleavage-bearing dress in hopes they’d be more willing to forgive her. At the cocktail party, she sits down with them and reveals she “completely fell” for Mr. Perms-A-Lot and that he had flown to Hong Kong to see her. At hearing this, Mickey’s ginormous chin droops, Ryan P. does blow cheeks, and naturally, Ames looks around confused. The guys’ egos are deflated, and they go in for the kill!
After Constantine insinuates Ash is a hypocrite, Lucas jumps in for more arse-whoopin! “Why didn’t you do this earlier?” he asks her annoyed. “It’s weird to me. I’m glad you got closure, but we’re putting a lot on the line as well,” he continues.
“I’m sorry that…umm…excuse me,” she says, walking away in tears. (Guess the cleavage trick didn’t work.) J.P. tries to speak up for her, and surprise, surprise—Solar Boy Ryan P. runs off to reassure her. But Lucas is ticked. “My biggest pet peeve is wasting my time…she’s wasting my f–king time,” he complains. “I don’t want to play second fiddle to anyone,” adds chubby-toothed Blake. “I’m done,” replies Constantine. Mutiny! Mutiny!
The Smartest Move Evah
“I felt like you lied to us,” Mickey says to a defensive Ash. “I just don’t see what the hell you saw in that guy,” he continues, referring to Bentley Beast. “If your gut is that that’s what you’re looking for, please send me home.” Angry at feeling unwanted, Ash gives him some ‘tude. “If you feel that strongly that you want to leave, then I want you to take the initiative and leave,” she says. He thinks for a millisecond and then jets out of the room. Envying him from afar, the guys wave goodbye to Mickey like little pageant girls. However, they quietly decide that traveling to exotic places and drinking free bubbly is worth riding out.
With a suspenseful Bruce Lee-like score playing in the background, Ash rejects Blake at the rose ceremony like a rotten tooth! Offering his best embittered Keven Bacon-smirk, he walks out and vows never to spend so much money on Crest White Strips for a girl ever again!
Highlights From Future Episodes!
Taiwan! Tai Chi! Wearing Asian outfits! Flying lanterns! Fiji! Mud bodies! Ash regrets sending someone home! One of the rejects flies to Fiji for her! Ash cries at the podium of love and pulls on her bangs like a cray cray woman—again!