‘Bachelorette’: Hometown Dates End In Heartbreak For One

The Bachelorette (ABC)

The Bachelorette (ABC)

“I’m ready to find my husband,” Ashley passionately asserted on last night’s “Bachelorette.” But first, it was time to fock it up with The Fockers! The hometown dates gave Ash a sneak peek into the family lives of her four remaining sperm donors and more importantly, a great opportunity to see if any of them were indulgent, thumb-sucking mama’s boys.

Check out how she fared with the Mamas and the Papas right here:

Going Greek
Forgoing volumizing gel spray because he wants her to see him in his most natural state, Constantine greets Ash in his hometown of Cumming, GA! He takes her to his family’s Italian restaurant where they make pizzas and disrespect the prep process by refusing to wear hairnets. “There’s dah-fan-ite chemistry between him and I,” chirps Ash.

They hop over to his house and meet his jolly Grecian father, mother, and lovely sister—who apparently made a wig of Ash’s hair and placed it on her own head. After a dinner full of lamb chops, Constantine’s mother asks if Ash is ready to relocate to Cumming since there’s no way in hell she’d let her baby boy leave the nest. Sensing she’d be killed if she doesn’t comply, Ash tells her she’d move in a heartbeat!

While Constantine’s mother continues her indirect threats masked in Southern charm, father and son have a man-to-man chat. The elder says he doesn’t want Constantine “to be rushed into anything” but that he’d give him his blessing if his son thinks she’s the right person. They exchange more words of encouragement as we quietly compare the gaps in their teeth. Suddenly, the doorbell rings! Whoever could it beee?! The entire Greek nation! Aunties, uncles, elder folk, and ankle biters pour into Constantine’s home and begin to dance around his hideous sunburnt leather couch and tiny cross-dressing poodle! When it’s time for Ash to say goodbye, the whole family watches from the doorway while munching on kebabs and grape leaves as the Gentle Giant and Diminutive One lay their smackers on each other. Opa!

Watch Her Day With Constantine:

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A Heady Romance
Ames welcomes Ashley-Boo to his sprawling ranch estate in Chadds Ford, PA. She meets his mother, as well as his older sister and brother, who, like Ames, carry the genetic facial features of a pug.

When Ames’ sis takes Ash aside to an indoor pool area, she asks the Little Girl what she really feels for her nerderific brother. Ashley admits that their relationship has developed more slowly but that she’s absolutely intrigued by him and wants to know more. However, she also admits that whatever happens, she’s determined to be engaged at the end of the show. Big Sis quietly acknowledges the Dancing Queen’s statement and considers shoving her head in the pool.

Ames takes Ashley-cakes to his favorite place—a garden where magnolias are in bloom! As they enjoy their picnic, he compliments her and allows the sun to beam cancerous rays on his unusually orange forehead. After admitting he was dangerously dorky in grade school, he woos her by telling her about an Italian Renaissance way of being romantic, which asks one “to be romantic as possible but through your ordinary life.” He adds: “There is so much more magic in the ordinary…if you can have romantic things come from inside you.” They kiss like 5th graders, and the magnolia tree shrivels up and dies. Immediately after, Ames brings on more of the poetic charm by treating her to a horse-drawn carriage ride, fitted with drivers who are dressed like extras from The Great Gatsby. “This could be a storybook romance,” lies Ashley.

Ben Gets So Emotional, Baby!
With all the emotional courage that his hair can muster, Ben F. opens his heart up to Ashley in Sonoma, CA. He takes her to his winery, and he lets her sample his pesticide, GMO-filled fermented creations. As raindrops plop onto their J. Crew wardrobe, the two sit down and shiver their J. Lo’s off on a front porch. He tells her he doesn’t bring a lot of women home and that in fact, she’s only the second girl he’s introduced to his mom. (What he doesn’t tell her is that the first girl he brought home was when he was in the 3rd grade.) “It’s serious, and [my sister and mom] have to like you…it needs to work…otherwise, it just doesn’t work for me,” he gently threatens. “Now I’m really nervaas,” Ashley giggles.

The Neanderthal introduces her to the two main ladies in his life, but we become greatly distracted and agitated by his younger sister’s pearls. Little Sis takes bro aside and asks if he can see himself getting engaged to Ashen-Face. He confides to Pearls that being with the dental queen is “effortless” and he has “no problem proposing.”

However, the real emotions come out when Benji talks to his mama. “I think [dad] would be proud of you,” she tells her son. Tears well up in his eyeballs. His curls droop. Oh, the catharsis!

Rink A-Dink-Dink
J.P. builds up a sweat when he takes Ashley to a roller rink in Roslyn, NY! As they chortle and slip on the old, crusty rent-a-skates, the two unknowingly catch a bad case of toe fungus. But who cares?! They’re having the time of their lives! The disco balls starts rotating, and REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling” permeates the air!

As they hold hands and skate in circles, J.P. secretly passes gas and falls to the floor. The DJ keels over and the music stops. While the producers attend to the DJ, the lovely couple eat in the center of the rink, and Baldy Boy tells her that his mother, father, and brother are his world. He also adds that she’d be the fifth girl he’s brought home. “How are you so sure about us?” Ashley asks. “I’m on such a high with you!” he replies and says he’s willing to risk getting his heart broken. As they gaze romantically into each other’s eyes, a distant figure that turns out to be Chris Harrison is doing figure eights in the background.

Over a splendid carb-filled dinner of lasagna, Ash gets acquainted with J.P.’s family and observes that his brother was the lucky one to receive the full-on eyebrow hair gene. While the brothers go off and talk about J.P.’s fears and willingness to propose, Ash and Mom chat it up. The latter confesses she’s “so scared” that her son’s heart will be broken again. “I’m smitten by your son,” Ashley tells his mom to get her hopes up.

More embarrassing than her treacherous white-button sweater, Mom pulls out her son’s bar mitzvah picture, which looks more like a Big Bopper teen poster. The photo is a testament to Kirk Cameron hair and the fact that J.P. is most likely related to actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Watch Her Day With J.P.:

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Nerd Out
Back in L.A., Ash easily decides whose heart she’ll de-bud. With not a tear in her eye, she banishes Ames’ love circuitry! As usual, the Harvardite looks bewildered and cocks his head to the side as if he cannot compute that he’s become extinct. “I’ve fallen in love with somebody who clearly didn’t fall in love with me,” he says in the limo. “I was really excited to see what was going to happen between the two of us, and that’s something I’ll never get to know.” And we’ll never get to know if he truly had a set of bottom teeth.

Highlights From Upcoming Episodes
Fiji! Matching beach outfits! Ben F’s new haircut! A Mystery Man returns! Ash’s inked-out sister disapproves! Ash cries and calls her a bizatch! Things are getting real fo reals!

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