On Thursday night’s season finale of “Real Housewives of NYC,” we had to ponder some serious questions that frightened the bejesus out of us, such as: 1) Could Ramona be preggers and possibly pass along her genetic code of Crazy Eyes to her unborn child? 2) Would we be able to survive another season hearing Alex’s dork laugh that sounds like she’s choking on air? 3) Did LuAnn’s infantile-toothed producer hypnotize Natalie Cole to get her to sing with his favorite She-Man? And finally: 4) Would LuAnn ever realize that the only people who actually dig her music is the tranny community?
If you want to attempt to find the answers to these difficult questions, check out the cat-clawing highlights below:
Best Frenemies Forevah
After producers shove Prozac down Sonja and Cindy’s throats, the two decide to meet at a plant store to make amends for the umpteenth time. Without wasting a moment, the ladies dive into the hellish breakfast date ordeal that left Sonja fuming over Cindy taking a business call (and stringing her uninvited assistant along) amid her lovely display of crumpets and “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spread.
Sonja tells the Downtown Gal that things would’ve been as smooth as Cindy’s self-proclaimed hairless va-jay-jay if she just simply excused herself. “Maybe you want me in the call as a business woman,” suggests Sonja haughtily. “I didn’t get where I am because I fell off a potato truck, okay?” Getting sick of her shenanigans, Cindy tersely replies, “Stay focused.” The Blondie continues her tirade until Cindy’s veneers fall out and her hair begins to recede.
To shoot back, the Vajeweling Queen tells Miss Bankruptcy that perhaps she can learn a thing or two from that business call and that it’s bad manners to have disrespected her assistant. After some more squawking from both sides, Cindy gets fed up and walks off in a huff. “I’m done with you…this is bullsh*t.”
To accentuate the possibility that she’s carrying a zygote in her Benjamin Button womb, Ramona struts into Sonja’s apartment sans makeup and acts really woozy. Suddenly, she busts open her jacket to show off her swollen melons and insinuates she’s got that fertilized feeling again! “Are you pregnant?” asks Sonja. “Holy sh*t!” she adds when Ramotional confides she thinks she might be indeed!
Could Ramona Be Pregnant?
LuAnn and French lover Jacques celebrate their one-year anniversary with a yacht party, and the ladies come dressed to impress! While Alex prances around in blinding hot pink shorts that should only belong in a Jem and the Holograms cartoon, Sonja and Ramona saunter in together both wearing long, slinky leopard gowns that scream more “Cougar” than anything.
To steal The Countess’ thunder, Ramona decides to tell Mario at the party that she might be preggers! Mario freaks out with incredulous laughter, as sweat beads begin to trickle down into his underoos. He repeatedly exclaims that it can’t be possible (especially since he secretly recalls giving all of his love juice to a number of ladies on the Upper West Side in the past month).
But for the Leopard Twins, anything is possible! They scurry off into a bathroom, and Sonja pulls out a preggie stick. Waiting in line for nature’s call, Jill gets annoyed that the blondies are being secretive and giggly, but she starts picking up what’s going on since Ramona’s been downing Pellegrino.
“At this age—mid 50s—when you miss your period, it’s not because you’re pregnant, it’s because menopause is knocking at the door,” says Jill to the camera. (And in the end, the Lawwng Islander was right. Ramona was entering the new world of impending hot flashes and unruly chin hair.)
Out of Tune, Better Auto-Tuned
To surprise Jacques and show off how classy she is, LuLu brings out Natalie Cole, whom we believe she most likely drugged in order to get the legend to sing with her. They begin to belt out the ever-famous Nat King Cole “L-O-V-E” song, and no shocker, Lulubell’s scratchy testosterone chords are way off-key. But Jacques doesn’t notice. With adoration for his one and only She-Man, he sways dreamily, letting his amazing Tony Danza hair shine in the light, along with his eager dachshund face.
The night closes with LuAnn making a toast to her lady friends in front of the Statue of Liberty. With a glass of champagne in her hand, she professes that even though some of them may have been late for Moroccan dinner, refused to be in her embarrassing music video, and that Alex McCord exists—hey, they’re all still “like family” to her!
And with that, the ladies tack a toothy smile onto their faces as they slowly begin to wrap their heads around memorizing their scripts for the dog-eat-dog reunion—with the exception of Kelly. Cause, ya know, she’s more of an improv actor.
Catch ‘Part 1’ of the reunion on Monday, July 25 at 10pm EST. ‘Part 2’ airs Monday, August 1 at 10pm EST.