On Sunday night’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” Melissa and Joe decided to throw a $50K party for “Jesus’ Birthday” to raise money for charity and show off how new money they could be. But what’s a party without some threat of violence and ego-driven chest-thumping from a handful of unsavory chimps?
Over the course of two episodes, we were able to see families torn apart, families sticking together, and Kim G. viciously speaking on behalf of her sagging bandonka donk’s reputation. (You can pole dance all you want, woman—but gravity has taken its toll!)
Check out how the holiday hysterics went down:
Blood Is Thinner Than Water
Decked out in heavy black eye make-up and a teased-out beehive to look like an extra from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, Kathy tries to extend an olive branch to Teresa, but the latter ain’t feeling any love for her cousin.
“It’s nice to see you,” Kathy says. “Now it’s nice to see me?” Teresa sarcastically retorts.
Trying to keep her cool after being rejected for a second time, Miss Bulging Eyes dashes into the bathroom—with hubby Rich following suit—and cries out bloody curses on her small-foreheaded cousin.
“She’s such a f**king b*tch!” she screams.“F**k that b*tch.”
“You f**king rip her a new a**hole!,” eggs on hubby Rich as he sits on the crapper and uses the last roll of Charmin.
Vowing to get her revenge for Teresa’s “old lady butt crack” jokes, Kim G. brings along Monica Chacon—the lawyer suing the Giudices—to create Danielle Staubgoblin-like drama.
When Teresa sees her legal enemy prancing about with Old Lady Butt Crack, her lip liner turns darker with rage, and she demands Melissa and Joe to kick Monica to the curb! Trying to keep their expensive tables unflipped, sis-in-law and bro politely ask the uninvited guest to leave, but Kim G. puts up a fuss—but thankfully, to no avail. Eventually, Monica takes a hike.
In search of more trouble, Kim G. continues to talk smack about Teresa, while the latter is busy making fun of her enemy’s inflatable “duck lips.”
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The Manzo Mafia
Sick of hearing the Ole Gossip spew her venom, Caroline’s daughter tells her to stop being pathetic, which makes Kim freak out on her, which makes Caroline jump in to protect her chickadee.
Mother Hen blasts the shiny-faced geriatric meddler—who’s apparently addicted to Groupon deals for chemical peels—for coming to Jesus’ Birthday party with the intention of stirring up Armageddon. As Kim-bo screams all crazy-like denying she has bad motives, Caroline’s son Christopher rushes in to save the foolish woman from getting devoured by his clan (his reason for playing nice only due to the fact he’s BFFs with her son Johnny).
As he escorts her outside, Kim G.’s “bodyguard,” who’s busy cleaning his dentures in a backroom, looks around bewildered. Before the younger Manzo bro can respectfully ask Kimmie-kins to leave for her own sake, big bro Albie angrily intervenes, telling her she’s not welcome back into this house that’s not his! Likewise, Mama Manzo charges out the door, along with her hubby, and exclaims she better take her high school shenanigans elsewhere—or they might just have Old Lady Butt Crack burgers for dinner!
As Kim G. furiously stomps into her limo, Teresa and hubby Joe delightfully watch the scene from a distance and decide to celebrate by doing what they do best: bumping into each other’s dangly parts all night until Joe gets hungry and wants to eat a “sangwich.” Tis the season to be Jersey!