Oh, we’ve never heard this before: On last night’s “Men Tell All” Special,” Chris Harrison described this season’s “Bachelorette” as the “most controversial” and “most talked about”—but we thought he was referring to the fresh perm on top of his head.
But let’s just keep it real, my lecherous lemmings. The night was filled with overall boring civility—no one went bonkers like they did on Brad Woe-Is-Me-Womack’s “Women Tell All.” The only thing that kept things raw and interestingly real was when 1) Ashley walked on stage in all her girly fragility and 2) the fact there was a Grandpa Joe giddily cheering in the audience.
Before the debt-ceiling gets voted on and we still get downgraded to a double A rating, check out the yawn-worthy events right here:
The Tattle Tales of P-Willy. In his eyes, William felt compelled to rat on Ben C. and “protect Ashley” because he thought the latter was making plans to throw his junk around on eHarmony. With his cheeks blown up in fury as if storing nuts for the winter, Ben fights back! “It was purely designed as some undercut!” he retorts with a slight haughty British accent. Nonetheless, Will unapologetically states he’d tattle tale all over again because he was convinced Hamster Cheeks was planning on some major digital get-down. In Ben’s defense, Constantine jumps in saying he knew that Willykins was acting out of desperation because he grew out his yellow fro like a full-on Chia Pet.
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William Makes a Genuine Funny. As Chris plays the montage of William dissing Ash at the roast and then eventually getting kicked off the show, the cell phone salesman contorts his face as if needing a dose of Gas-X. “It was a really rough time; I really made an a** of myself.” He admits his way of roasting was a mistake, but apparently, that’s not enough for trainer Nick, who took an extra injection of roids for the show, as indicated by his need to interject and jump out of his seat every five seconds. “Who did you want the Bachelorette to be?” he asks P-Willy. “Why are we here?” Dumbfounded that he’s being questioned by the man with rock-hard boobs, Will slowly replies, “Because none of us can find a girl to date.”
Researching for Love. “For gosh sakes!” giggles Ryan P., as he painfully looks back at his water heater convo with Ash. As he watches the montage that shows him having a break down when she dumps him, the Solar Boy squirms in his seat, jitters with mini-seizures, and begins to sweat like a piggie. Trying to convince bleached-toothed Blake that he was genuine in his pursuit of Ashen Face, Ry-Ry says he read books for love! Three to be exact—one on engagement, one on marriage, and one on just fabulous questions to ask. He claims he even got in touch with his inner-Oprah and kept a journal. As he speaks of his efforts, the guys totally check out, and drunk man Tim looks around desperately for a martini to down. Nevertheless, being the consummate optimist, Ryan ends on a sunny note: “I believe when you’re truly ready the law of attraction will take place and somehow, someway, it’s gonna happen.” By now, Chris Harrison has fallen asleep with his mouth open, saliva dripping onto his tie.
No Disassemble Ames. As Ames robotically adjusts himself on the hot seat, the ladies in the audience tear each other’s weaves out and scream outrageously for their love of nerds. To make them go even more amazeballs, the Harvardite shows off his gentlemanly ways. “My experience with [Ashley], though very, very painful to end, made me a better person. I just want her to be happy now.” Jealous of all the young gals and grannies cooing over him, Chris Harrison quickly changes the subject and tells Ames he sucks at boxing. The host smiles and gives him a gift: the hot pink concussion-inducing boxing gloves! “Those are not to be used—just keep them as a memento of what you gave up for love,” Chris says with a chuckle. “Or if you want, you can put them on and take one free shot at Ryan.” (As the cameras cut to commercial, the producers run over to Ames and oil his joints and make sure his circuits are a go.)
Going Bananas on Bentley. Although the producers begged him to come on the show, Bentley refused because his perm wasn’t camera ready. So what’s the next best thing to do? Bentley Bash! “To look at someone who people are really trying to create a connection with, and he completely trashes it and laughs at it and knowing that [Ashley’s] gonna watch this—it’s a terrible display of humanity,” preaches Blake, who looks like a jackhole himself on the upcoming season of “Bachelor Pad.” Still, he continues: “He’s a narcissist, a liar, and a coward.” The crowd goes wild with support! “Karma is a b*tch, my friend,” adds Mickey, whose lips are nowhere to be found. Being the tough guy that he is, Chris D. tosses in his own smackdown. “I can think of three words to say to him: ‘Go f*ck yourself.’ “ We have four words for Chris D.: Who are you again?
Waahh! Having hoped she could strut in naked, Ashley resorts to the next best option: a tight black, multi-slitted dress! As she saunters onto the stage, the guys salivate as they secretly imagine Emily Maynard wearing it. “What was the lowest part, the toughest part for you?” Chris asks her. Widening her eyes and enunciating and nodding really dramatically in order to fight back the tears, Ashby lets it out. “I think seeing how everybody reacted to everything with Bentley, it’s been really hard.” She adds that “being played on national television,” and “being called an ‘ugly duckling’ ” was more humiliating than the wind blowing her bangs to the side and revealing her globe-like forehead. “The hardest part was seeing how much time I wasted,” she concludes. And to reassure all you haters, Ashley tells Chris that regardless of what happened, she’ll never change her talent of having bad judgment!
The-Three-People-We-Pray-Will-Disappear-From-TV Segment. Ali “Alien Hidden In Her Hair” Fedotowsky, Jason “Eyes Too Close Together” Mesnick, and DeAnna “Bitachy, Sour Puss” Pappas get on stage and share their mutual support for Miss Gullible. Out of all the empathetic words they say to her, Ashley enthusiastically latches onto Ali’s comment about feeling like the everyday girl—not a sexy Bachelorette. (In other words, she’s letting America know she believes she’s homely.) Despite getting flack from the public and from some of the dudes, the Dancing Queen ends the show by launching into a hear-me-roar speech. “Everything that happened and how much criticism I got—it got me to where I’m at right now,” she declares. “And that is the best place I’ve ever been in my life, and I would do it all over again.” (The audience applauds maniacally as they quickly remove the pins from their Ashley voodoo dolls.)
The season finale of the “Bachelorette” airs tomorrow at 8pm EST on ABC.