“I’m ready to walk away with my husband,” Ashley creepily said as she put an end to her six-week love muffin journey in Fiji on the “Bachelorette” season finale. Comparing her two dudes, Miss Anti-Gingivitis described her conundrum as a choice between Effortlessness (Ben F.) vs. Passion (J.P.). Surprisingly, she decided to go with the hot ‘n’ heavy and hairless by choosing the latter, but even more shocking was Benbo’s bitter reaction.
The journey to her happy ending wasn’t without tears and bang-pulling, however, thanks to Ash’s polar opposite—her “rational” Kat Von D look-alike sis Chrystie. The older divorcee brought on the terror with her interrogation and unflinching verdicts, inflaming Ash and J.P. more than the South Pacific rays!
Sip on that pina colada and check out the concise highlights right here:
No Laughing? No Ashley For You!
As Ashley’s family boils in the sun, J.P. arrives and has lunch with the clan. Among her many questions, big sis Chrystie asks Ash if J.P. makes her laugh. The latter replies, “I make myself laugh!” Miss Tats looks unamused and before even talking to J.P., tells her sis that she doesn’t think he’s the one. She adds that Bradonka-donk Womack even brought out Ashby’s goofy side more than this here Baldy from New York. Ashley immediately begins to pull on her hair like a loon and cries out of sorrow.
Watch Part One:
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Keeping It Real
After watching some “L.A. Ink,” Chrystie takes J.P. aside and tells him straight up he’s not right for Ash because he’s an old dawg and probably set in his ways. He feels like a pedophile and gets extra irked when she mentions how happy-go-lucky Ash was with Bradilda.
“So you’re saying if I proposed you’d be unhappy about it?” he asks. She nods. Trying to keep his teeth from sinking into her face, he tells her he’d like her support because she’s a big influence on Ashen Face. “I gotta turn this around quickly,” he says. “I don’t know if there’s anything for you to turn around, though,” she retorts coldly.
Emo vs Rationality
Ash takes Chrystie to a nearby pond so they can dip their pinky toes in the pool, but really, it’s an opportunity for little sis to drown her sister if she doesn’t chill out on the heartless comments.
“It pisses me off because you’re saying everything that’s in my head, and I’m trying to figure it out, but you just come across like you’re being such a b*tch!” cries Ash. She continues: “Why can’t you feel for me for a second? You’re not being my sister and feeling for me—and I feel alone!” Wishing she had a ciggie to ease the pain of hearing her sister’s high-pitched whines, Chrystie tells her to quit being an emotional toddler and to get over herself. “I’m trying to protect you from yourself,” she instructs Ash. Before Little Sis can push her head into the water, the Evil Messenger jumps up and flees to her bungalow.
Ash warns Ben that her sister is possessed by a demon, so he tries to be extra saintly to win them over. Because Ash is hyper aware of what Chrystie wants, she starts flailing her body like a monkey and does puppy talk to seem like her normal goofball self. After much prodding, she gets Benbo to join her, and he wins the entire family over—including Big Sis—by mimicking a Gremlin.
On their last date, Ben dresses like rainbow sherbert ice cream. Ash surprises him by taking him to a healing mud bath. They strip and dive into the thick water and rub each other down as bullfrogs jump on and off their heads. Ash goes X-rated and slabs mud onto her jujubes and tells Benji she’d like to reach down south on him. A smile spreads onto his face, and we see his skyscraper teeth.
“I am in love with you,” he finally reveals to her in the evening. They exchange post-dinner saliva, and Ben looks as if he’s sucking on a Flintstone’s Push-Up Pop.
I Hate Your Sister
Dressed in an itsy bitsy bikini that pushes up her lil girls, Ash talks to J.P. on a patio deck overlooking the beach as he nicely implies he wants her sister to choke on a coconut. To help solidify things, he promises to be flexible like a young person and finally confesses that he’s madly in love with her. She latches onto his tongue with joy and then leads him to the shore to get more sun poisoning.
“I get lost in J.P. I get completely infatuated with him,” she coos.
Watch Part Two:
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“Today is the day I’m gonna propose to Ashley, and she is gonna say ‘yes,’ ” Ben says confidently to the cameras. Before she can speak, he gets down on one knee and proposes. She says ‘peace out.’ “Wow,” Ben blurts out and walks away. She clickety clacks after him and says he’s wonderful.
“What I don’t need you to do is sugarcoat it,” he says. “You can’t leave this on good terms. Good things don’t end unless they end badly. J.P.’s a wonderful guy. I hope you guys have a nice life together,” he states with a tinge of sarcasm in his voice.
In the distance, Chris Harrison is making sand angels and laughing at the clouds as he waits for the winner to arrive.
No Eyebrows, No Problem
Hair is so overrated, and Ashley-cakes proves it by falling for and choosing J.P.!
“I know I told you my biggest fear is falling in love with you and having my heart broken again— and I’m still afraid,” Mr. Clean admits at the podium of love. “But I also know to overcome that fear, I have to take a leap of faith. This is my leap of faith,” he says as his family jewels bounce with terror and joy. Down on one knee, he asks for her hand in matrimonial bliss. She says “Yes!”
He sucks what remains of her upper lip, and they twirl around until they puke themselves. (Somewhere in the dark recesses of the jungle, Chrystie is getting a tattoo of J.P.’s face on her middle finger.)
And they all lived happily ever after!
Thanks, lovebuds, for going on this “most controversial” and “most talked about” season with me. If you’d like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my new Facebook page!