‘Jersey Shore’ Premiere: Invasion of the Mother Land

Jersey Shore (MTV)

Jersey Shore (MTV)

Bring out the blow outs, bronzers, and bidets—”Jersey Shore” has taken over Italiaaah!

Aside from trying to figure out how to say “DTF” in Italian, the gang made efforts to make some physical and emotional changes to prepare for their trip to Florence. So what were they, you furiously ask with your hands?

Answer: Vinny grew a “beard,” Snooki found another boyfriend to cheat on, JWoww became a member of the celebrity bobble head club with her apparent hunger strike, and Single Ronnie got resurrected (we’re guessing for…oh, five minutes). Speaking of single, it appeared The Situatione was devising a plan for one of his “taken” housemates to be his smush buddy since his junk was jingling in his man thong!

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After hours of traveling that leave them completely constipated, the Tangerine Team finally reach their swanky pad, and let’s just say it’s a mad crazy upgrade from their clogged toilet condo in Seaside Heights, yo!

Once midnight hits, Pauly gathers everyone around to gulp a couple shots of limoncello before they explore the city, straddle plastic horses on a Ferris wheel (the only action they get that night), and get mobbed by curious locals. The next morning, Mr. Pomade Iceberg Head rounds up the jet-lagged crew for their daily ritual of GTL.

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While the guys successfully drive through the narrow streets and use their GTL radar to locate the gym, the girls get lost and return to the house to find themselves attacked by hungry, rabid pigeons.

Determined to keep the chunka monka off her new svelte bod, Snooki decides to work out around the house—running up and down the stairs and doing pelvic thrusts in the air, along with manic ab crunches on the floor. Out of nowhere, Vinny runs over to her with just a towel around his waist, quickly stands over her head, and flashes his dinosaur-sized Italian manhood. She screams and burns 1,000 calories.

Meanwhile, The Sitch, with a disheveled crimped faux hawk in tow, decides to let Boulder Boy Ron in on a smush secret: He hooked up with Snook’ems multiple times in L.A., even while she was seeing her boyfriend! What the FFFF?!? On hearing this, Ron tries to keep the Xenadrine pills he downed earlier from exploding out of his mouth, but his trouble-making homeboy doesn’t take any notice. “I’m not gonna lie,” Sitchie says. “I think I’m starting to like her a little bit.”

When night time rolls around and the girls finish pushing up their fun bags and frying their weaves with flat irons, the gang head out to their first discotheque! They fist pump and do ‘The Running Man” like they’re on crack, but The Sitch has got some Oompa Loompa action on his mind! He squats to the ground to hug and kiss Snooki…over and over again. “I love you, baby,” he coos with his questionably heterosexual voice. (The rest of the crew contort their faces in disgust and confusion as if someone dropped a post-burrito bomb from their posteriore.)

But the good times can’t stop because a Pretty Boy and a Dwarf Hamster are playing with fire, playahhs! Thanks to Deena, the level of grossness goes up a few notches. Switching her lecherous leanings from beefcake Koopa Troopas (a.k.a. Ron) to thinner concrete-haired D.J.’s (a.k.a. Pauly), the Gloria-Estefan look-alike decides to tongue it out with the latter! While she’s having the time of her life exchanging alcohol-drenched halitosis with the new object of her affection, Pauly looks as if he sucking on a lemon.

With that visual in mind, you better believe it’s gonna get more sour this season, home slices! Viva Supercafoni!

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