There wasn’t any heart-pounding drama on last night’s “Jersey Shore,” but rather, a huge foreshadowing of craptastrophe to come. While Deena tried to figure out how to get Pauly to do the Conga Beat with her in bed, Sitchie was stirring up trouble by getting his flirt on with Snooki, who he knows already had her heart set on her stubby gorilla juice head back home.
However, out of all the dreaded potential couplings, the most horrific was showing signs of re-birth: Like a fly laying larvae in a steaming pile of dung, Ron and Sam’s vile and violent chunky romance was incubating all over again!
Check out the nightmarish highlights right here:
After having tongue escapades with Deena, Pauly contemplates on smushing her but expresses his hesitation to Snooki. “Never in my life have I met a girl that could just hook up and have no feelings,” he says.
Later that night, while the drunk and sleepy gang collapse on their beds (and choke a little on their vomit), Deen-er and her hungry thighs lurch toward Pauly in hopes for some Action Jackson! But just like his hair, Pauly freezes over as if rigor mortis set in. She stomps away disappointed and unfortunately, moons us in the process.
With hideously chapped lips, Ronnie opens up his Notebook of Shag and calls his new “friend” Hannah. He invites her to come to Italy to keep him company, but what this really translates as is some guaranteed weave-pulling between her and Sam and a suicide watch for the rest of the Get-Along-Gang.
See What Snooki Told Jimmy Fallon About Italy:
The next night at the club, The Sitch meets a Floridian DTF-er named Britney. As he makes the moves on her and shows off his swagger with his rock-hard dwarfed arms, Ron is a few feet away dropping down shots and letting his roid-raged twinkle toes jam out on the dance floor! The Lush whisper-screams to JWoww, who now amounts to cheekbones and sagging skin, that he plans on bringing his new girl to the pad. He then runs to the little boys’ room and re-emerges with Charmin Extra Strong tissue on his eyebrow, which makes us wonder what his wiping techniques are on the crapper. Drunk out of his mind, he starts giving Sam some ‘tude and declares he’s been pumpin’ da pasties with four girls. She runs off and does the Ugly Cry.
Although The Situatione does the snap, crackle, and pop! with the Floridian chick in the smush room, he tells Snooki that his heart and manhood are totally fluttering for her. “There’s definitely something between me and you…I care for you more than a friend,” he says as he lays on the couch like a vulnerable embryo and begins to feel a mysterious itch in his naughty bits. She looks at him with some discomfort and tries to make clear she only sees him as a friend. “Whatever, I beg to differ,” he asserts.
After another night of heavy drinking at the club, Sammi’s true connection with Roid Ron comes out, as she, too, is victim of toilet tissue assault, but for her, the Charmin sticks to her Payless heels…
Swaying back and forth and holding onto her post-club sandwich for dear life, Miss Co-Dependent wobbles over to Ron and without breath mints, tells him she misses and loves him and wants to cuddle. As goobers runs down his nose, the tempted Koopa Troopa fights off his emotions, politely walks away from her, and hops into his 3-inch wide bed.
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