Even if we can’t heavily tax the rich in this dreadful economy, at least we can watch them get taxed in love by Patti Stanger in a brand new season of “Millionaire Matchmaker” (Mon. 9./8c).
After a less than ideal experience trying to match-make in New York City, along with her very public split from her fiance, the Stanger-Stinger returns to L.A., ready for new adventures both professionally and personally—we’ll even see her turn unbelievably demure on her own dates!
The Cupid Consul sat down with reporters to gab about what and who to look out for this season, her five dating rules that every singleton should swear by, and which male celebrities she thinks should be castrated.
Watch: Is This Guy Too Good To Be True?
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You weren’t too crazy about matchmaking in New York. What do you think is the difference between the daters in L.A. compared to those in NYC?
I think [L.A. daters] are appreciative, and I think it’s a really rough town to be single in as everyone’s beautiful here but nobody commits. We’re the land of anything goes. You can’t do that on Wall Street. If you did it on Wall Street, you’d be a flight risk to them. They were the bitterest people I had ever seen. And they’re dumb. They’re just dumb people. Smart in business, dumb in love, I say. I mean they won’t date outside their zip code.
Speaking of the West Coast, how do you feel about your fellow “Real Housewives” buds who’ve turned into singletons? Any dating advice for Brandi, Camille, or Taylor?
Camille and Taylor—they’re all my friends. I would love to see [Camille] with a guy who’s an entrepreneur off the carpet – like a Silicon Valley billionaire…Somebody who really appreciates her brain. Brandi Glanville is a really good friend of mine. I’m actually the one who brought her on, and I’m praying she becomes a ‘Real Housewife’ in Season 3 because she is adorable. [She got a ] Bad rap with the LeAnn Rimes thing and the Eddie [Cibrian] thing. I’d like to see Brandi with some ex-athlete, like maybe a coach of some team because her kids are really involved in sports. And as far as Taylor goes—Taylor needs to take a dating detox break. Abuse is abuse. She needs to clean herself off, get rid of the negative vibration, and find out who Taylor is before she steps off the curb with anybody else.
Aside from your fellow Bravolebrities, are there any celebrities you’d like to help out?
Well, I’d probably like to put George Clooney in boot camp with Tiger [Woods] and Jesse [James] and Arnold [Schwartzenegger]. Although George, I would say, he’s a serial monogamist. He dates for two years, you get a parting gift. He’s like Simon Cowell. You get cash and a car. So he’s not as bad as Jesse, Tiger and Arnold—they’re in a world of their own. They should be exiled to an island and castrated. But other than that, I’d probably want to do Sandra Bullock because I feel so bad for her. I feel she’s so wounded over Jesse that even though a kid is great, it doesn’t take the place of a man.
See What Lies Ahead This Season:
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Are we going to see more of your dating life this season?
Yes, the 13th episode I actually date. And I do the mixer process. It was the scariest time of my life. I am a double Gemini. You will see a totally different Patti. I’m like soft, subdued, and submissive when I date. I’m completely different. I’m quiet. I’m very quiet when I date.
Can you tell us a little about your guest stars Jenny McCarthy and Tori Spelling?
Jenny’s one of my closest friends. She comes on to help a guy who’s kind of a nerd from Silicon Valley find his sex appeal and what to say on a date. Tori comes on the second episode. We have a multimillionaire from Vancouver—probably one of our richest guys. And he believes that when you’re pregnant, you need to stop working and be barefoot and never work again. So I wanted to show him that Tori didn’t live off her family’s money. She built her own career. She didn’t marry rich. We know [Tori’s husband] Dean’s not rich.
As for your non-millionaires, we heard you have a site called PSXOXO.com.
Yes. PSXOXO.com is a dating site where you not only can get fixed up—gay, straight or whatever—but you also get advice. So my Twitter is my most important thing. @PattiStanger is where I give you advice 24/7. Any of you guys can e-mail me or actually tweet me your questions.
Are there any shockers this season we should look out for?
We only have one millionairess this season. I wanted more, but Bravo didn’t want it. They had a nightmare with them last season. And they are the suers in the matchmaking industry. So everyone should know that. That’s why I don’t take females on. I subcontract them out to another agency that only specializes in women. They’re very difficult. We have a woman this season who’s British who owns a stripping facility, and she makes [past millionairesses on the show like] Shauna and Plumpty-Dumpty look sane.
What are five dating rules that you think every single person should live by?
Well, first would be TMI. Too much information kills the cat. My second rule is two drink maximum. If you get to third, a woman cannot take that much alcohol, so they TMI. The third rule I would say is that let the man lead if you’re a woman. If you’re a man, lead. The worst thing that can happen is the guy talks at you and brags at you and then you lose interest. And if you over-talk it, he falls asleep. His penis goes limp. No sex before monogamy, my fourth rule. Obviously that’s a major rule because Oxytocin will kick in. You’ll feel like you’re in love even if he’s a loser. One good orgasm call swells this a bunch. And my last rule would probably be if there’s no one there and you’re dating and it’s not working—don’t fret. He or she is probably right around the corner. It’s usually those down times when you have to get into you. And once you get into you, the phone starts ringing.
“Millionaire Matchmaker” Season 5 airs tonight at 9pm EST on Bravo.