True Love and Fatal Attraction were in the air on last night’s “Bachelor Pad.” While Kasey and Vienna were celebrating their man-to-man partnership and trying to destroy Jake’s chances of staying in the game, other couples were emerging and threatening the singletons’ game play—Old loves Michael and Holly! Nerds-A-Lot Ames and Jackie! And Odd Balls Blake and Melissa?!
In the end, despite some couples crashing and burning, true love prevailed, and single women all over America would never see red pants the same way again.
Check out how the lovebirds and psychos fared…
Being Egged On
For the second challenge of the season, Chris Harrison explains the “Target on Your Back” game: Answer difficult questions by throwing paint-filled eggs at the backs of the opposite sex! Also, very important: Everyone is forced to wear crisp white beachwear as uniforms (since producers hope to detect any leaky pipe issues from the previous night’s Indian curry dinner fest).
When the paint finally dries on everyone’s bacne (i.e. back acne), Jake learns everyone wants him out, while Erica realizes she’s a butterface.
As for the winners, Slim-Fast Melissa and Michael Stagliano win themselves immunity roses and group dates! And Chris Harrison announces that on each group date, an additional immunity rose is up for grabs! Yeehawww!
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For his group date, Michael chooses Erica (out of guilt for throwing an 80 mph egg torpedo at her), Michelle, and Holly (no surprise) for a night out on the town. Little does he know, though, that the producers take them to a famous haunted hospital! Oh no, GHOSTIES!
As they hold onto each other for dear life, the foursome walk down to the boiler room. While Michael and Erica try to conjure the spirit of a patient named Vanderbloom, Michelle and Holly chat about the latter’s awkward situation with Michael. “I know we have a lot to talk about, but I’m not ready to just be friends with Michael,” Holly says as Ghostie Vanderbloom listens and tries to die all over again.
Michael ultimately gives Holly the immunity rose and then takes her to the rooftop. “This is very vulnerable, but I want to hang out with you all the time now that we’re here,” the Vanilla Ice look-alike says with tears welling up in his eyes. Holly frowns and with great sadness declares, “The timing was off…when you loved me it was hard for me to love you back, and then when I finally loved you, you didn’t love me.” She tries to end things by saying perhaps they were always BFFs at heart and nothing else. The B-Boy disagrees and charges that he always had intentions to put a ring on it, impregnate her, and make hyper babies together.
“Yeah, I’d fall back in love with Holly,” he cries to the camera. “That’s worth more than $250K.”
For her group date, Melissa chooses Kasey, Kirk, and Kirk’s identical twin, Blake. (From her pickings, we discover she loves the Nordic look.)
Before she goes on the date, the Emaciated One pulls Kasey aside and tells him that as long as he guarantees her safety for next week, she will give him the rose. While they scheme, Blake’s got a few tricks up his sleeve, too. Hearing that Melissa’s into him, the Chubby-Toothed Dentist decides to play her. In preparation to look irresistible, he does the only thing he knows how to do: He gurgles a bottle of White Out and gets his choppers Casper white!
As the gang enjoys their time on a yacht, Blake pulls Melissa into a room and says he wants her to remember him by this: Slurp! He gives her some major tongue action! Sookie sookie! Because she’s refused to eat all month, tufts of hair fall out as he runs his fingers along her dandruffed scalp. “I have to pacify her…it’s akin to a prostitute, I hate it!” says Blake.
Because Melissa’s love loins are thankful that a man has finally responded favorably to her, she changes her mind and gives Blake the rose! Kasey and his 80s Duran Duran jacket are enraged by the betrayal!
Power Lips Want the Power Couples Out
Because she thinks she’s on the chopping block, Gia takes Graham aside and as a last ditch effort, tries to convince him that he must aim to destroy the coupledom of Kasey and Vienna Sausage! He totally agrees. Five minutes later, he reports her intentions to Kermit.
Sandwiched Between Crazy and Confused
As Blake tries to shake off the nightmare of seeing Melissa’s face under a flashlight, he lays in bed with Holly and cuddles under the sheets. Irritable because she’s only eaten air for breakfast, Melissa runs around hungry for Blake. Once she finds him with Holly, she crawls on one end and sandwiches him in the middle. “That’s not really the threesome I had in mind,” he says to the camera. Once Holly leaves, Melissa flips out on Blake, saying she doesn’t know if she can trust him and then suddenly brings up how she hated looking so unstable last season! Two seconds later, she whispers she just wants to go home! Feeling so foolish for trying to align forces with Crazy, Blake clenches down wishing he still had his wisdom teeth.
Jake Pleas With the Muppets
Knowing he’s on the chopping block, Jake walks over to Vienna and Kasey as a last ditch effort to be saved. “Do you think you deserve to be here?” says Kasey, reveling in his perceived power. His shorter counterpart says he does, and that if he were to win, he plans on donating all the money to charity. “I know you’re in debt, Jake, you can’t play me for a fool,” says Vienna in her helium voice. “You’re so messed up in the head you don’t know who you are!” exclaims Kermit, proudly showing off the pubic hair growing from his face. He continues: “You don’t deserve to be here! Go home!”
Slowly getting up and feeling defeated, Jake takes a bow: “Good luck, you guys, and I wish you the best.” Feeling the testosterone surging in his veins, Kasey slurps on Vienna’s T-Rex teeth. He later goes to the camera, pulls his sleeve up, and pulsates his famous tattoo. “It’s guard and protect time. You ready?” he says with his overly stretched face.
Game Changer, Biatches
Chris Harrison shows up and asks why there’s tension in the room—never mind the questionable smell. Jake fesses up that it’s because he and Vienna are around each other, but the She-Man takes it a step further, as she always does. She slams ABC for not only “forcing” the starcrossed lovers to detail their odious breakup on national television but that she also never got the memo Jakey would be on “Bachie Pad 2″! Cracking his knuckles and adjusting his neck, the host tells Miss Thang she can leave and in fact, he’ll call a cab right now to drive her complaining arse back to the Florida highway to sell peanuts with her mama! She quickly shuts up.
“Everything is about to change here tonight,” Chris announces. He proceeds to tell them the shocking news that the two people who’ll be going home will be solely from the vajayjay lot! At the thought of enduring Jake for yet another week, Vienna’s eyeballs pop out and move in different directions!
See Ya Next Summer!
After Kasey condescendingly tells Gia that Graham told him of her scheming ways to break the Power Couples up, she runs over to the latter to confront him but ends up sounding like a sobbing Elmer Fudd. “I’ve never met such devious people in my life!” she bawls. She decides to pack up her bags and take herself out of the game. “I don’t want to be part of it anymore—until next season!” she relays to Chris.
Crazy = The Deciding Vote
As the House secretly deliberates between kicking Ella or Jackie off, Melissa is having crazy-person seizures in a dark corner as she watches Blake’s low-hanging fruit fall for Holly. “I’ve been winning competitions for us!” the Gaunt One screams shaking with rage. Two seconds later, she explodes into tears. Unfortunately for Blake, who wants Jackie to stay for his bud Ames, Melissa is the deciding vote. No surprise, she votes Jackie off.
The Cutest Ending Ever
As Jackie says goodbye to her fellow backstabbing SOBs, Ames and his recycled red pants walk their Beloved to the limo. “I fell in love with her the way I’ve never fallen in love with anybody before,” he confides. Once he closes the door and the car slowly pulls away, the Charming Robot takes a few steps toward the group…and then pauses. With both hands up in the air waving farewell, he turns around and runs toward the limo after his Mistress Underbite! “That is a man!” the ladies coo as they admiringly look on.
He hops into the seat with Miss J and embraces her. “I think it’s safe to say we won ‘Bachelor Pad 2,’ ” he says in that charismatic velvety voice. What a mighty mighty good man!
Highlights From Next Episode
Gaydars up: Male synchronized swimming! Jake’s got a big package?! Vienna with wet hair–nooo! Jake frenches Erica?! Melissa breaks down again!
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