Last night’s “Jersey Shore” played out like a dirty, gorilla juicy graphic novel: The pages were filled with salacious “twinning,” the most unholy of reunions, a case of premeditated revenge, and Deena trying to pump the entire Italian peninsula.
Oh, if only life at the Italian pad could be filled with simpler, child-like moments—like watching Pauly and Vinny giddily playing munchkin foosball! Or admiring Sitch’s love for the Fitch, expressed via his Cookie Monster-colored Abercrombie jogging pants!
Unfortunately, though, it was not so. Check out how the season exploded into shadiness…
The Hunt for Authentic Sausage
With her secret place screaming for some international action, Deena hunts to find the most willing Italian sausage. She meets a “lean cuisine” local waiter named Ellis, and the two suck each other’s faces off later that night at the club as she sits on his lap (and flattens his quads like pancakes). When she lures him back to the pad and claims she just wants to cuddle, the X-rated mood is ruined by Vinny and Pauly, who poke fun at her and cackle like circus monkeys.
See Why Someone’s Sleeping On The Couch:
The next morning, The Situation’s DTFer Brittany—who introduced her twin, Erica, the night before—repeatedly calls the house to try to hang with her man and ergo, exudes the first signs of stalker disease. As a prank, Ronnie disguises his voice as Sitchie’s and tells them to show up in an hour.
As The Sitch slathers on some Clinque foundation on his swollen prosciutto-eating face, Brittany and her twin Erica strut into his room. “I don’t remember inviting them…” he says discombobulated as Ron hops around, trying to keep himself from weeing in his Huggies.
Regardless, Mikey goes with the flow and tries to woo them for future smushing purposes. “A threesome isn’t an easy test to accomplish, but then again, The Situation does the impossible and ‘I think I can get it done,’ ” he says.
Is This What Hell Feels Like?
Knowing they’ve been needing to “conversate,” Don Ron takes Sappy Sam to a romantic rooftop cafe. Desperately wanting his stubby body in her arms again, Sam says she’s a changed person and would never hurt him. “I obviously love you,” Ron blurts out, as we all choke on our puke and try to find a window to jump out of.
The Chunky Cheeseballers get up from their table and embrace each other to solidify their reunited coupledom. “Do you have an Altoid?” asks Ron. “Because you need one.” Great start. Stanktastic breath. Bad sign.
Jamming out at another club, the Crew take over the dance floor! Short and long motion fist pumping goes ballistic! Vinny gets B-Boy on us and does the Caterpillar! JWoww busts-a-move with her kettle bell-heavy mammaries! And then suddenly, full-fledged stalker time—twins Brittany and Erica crash the scene!
Because Deena is digging Erica, she robs her from Sitch, and the two gals start going to town on each other’s tastebuds! Seeing this “lesbionic” exchange, Pauly’s mouth pops open, and a Maraschino cherry tumbles out.
“I wouldn’t say I’m a lesbian, but I guess bi-curious,” Deena tells the camera. “I don’t think I’d ever date a girl because I really, really love penis, but I have fun!”
Back at home, Deena directs Erica to her bed but scurries off to pummel some energizing pasta in preparation for their big lesbian experiment! While she’s slamming her head into a bowl of penne, Erica hops on over to Vinny and goes to town on his Redwood. When Deena comes back, she breaks them up, commences with the girl-on-girl make out session, and then suddenly, freaks out. Why? Because her true self really just wants to jump into a tub full of Oscar Meyer Weiners. She lends Erica to Vinny and passes out.
Ron Gets His Revenge
As Ron, Sam, and JWoww stuff their faces with pasta, the Xenadrine Popper decides to payback The Snitch-u-ation for all the times he’s stirred up trouble. He tells the ladies that Sitch claimed he hooked up with Snooki a couple months back while she was dating Jionni. Thankful to have a diversion from eating, Slim-Fast JWoww runs over to her Lil BFF and relays the smush gossip. “Mike is a big fat liar! I’ve never hooked up with him!’ Snook ‘ems claims. She runs over to the Abercrombie-lovin playa and vows she’ll never be friends with him again! “We hooked up two months ago! I don’t lie!” defends Mike. “You’re psychoooo!” she howls back.
Disappointed that Ron turned into a Gossip Girl, Sitch starts scolding him but cuts the unpleasant exchange short because Brittany’s been waiting in bed for him for hours. He flees to the room and gives her his Vienna Sausage.
Meanwhile, Snooki explodes into tears as JWoww and Ron try to placate her, the latter remaining skeptical about whether or not the Little Nub is telling the truth. “If I lose Jionni, I’m gonna end up killing Mike!” she cries.
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