Thanks to ABC’s ratings ploy, Jake’s anti-climactic farewell was broadcast on last night’s “Bachelor Pad,” but considering we’ve been enduring his and Kienna’s (i.e. Kasey + Vienna’s) prepubescent kerfuffle for a few weeks now, we’re just plain ovah it.
However, the Tickle-Me-Texan’s exit didn’t deprive us of cracked-out love triangles. Thanks to the serpentine moves of glowing-toothed Blake, Holly’s teenage heart was split between him and Michael…and then there’s the case of Skinny Melissa’s bi-polarity, which exploded like a baby’s diaper after too much Gerber split peas.
Check out how the love tantrums unraveled…
Chuck Norris Jr.’s Eulogy
The verdict is in: Kasey is saved! Accepting defeat with humility (as any disciple of Chuck Norris would), Jake decides to let the unstrategic gang know—in his ever-so polite Howdy Doody way—that they’re imbeciles for voting him off and that they need to destroy Kermit and Vienna Voodoo asap. “Guys, although we had a chance to do something really big…you’re sending the wrong guy home,” he says. “If you want a shot to win, you’ll need to start taking out the power couples, and you know which ones to start with.”
A Ragu-skinned Kasey spitefully mutters something, but unfortunately, there are no subtitles on the screen and no mobile language decoder app to translate.
Watch Part One:
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Smooch a Pooch
In hopes that the gang will exchange incurable fever blisters, Chris Harrison announces that the second annual “Bachie Pad” kissing contest will be the next challenge! Let the halitosis begin!
The girls are blindfolded, and the first victim is Holly. Since all the guys are mindful of Michael’s propensity to have love-muffin anxiety attacks, they innocently peck her and scurry off like frightful squirrels. But not big-toothed Blake. He gives Holly Hobby some major tongue action, and in turn, Michael loses more hair. Feeling confident because he used a tongue scraper laced with Dentyne Ice, the Invisalign Model also gets smoochilicious with the rest of the ladies. The only exception is Vienna because he’s just not into kissing dudes.
Now the guys are blindfolded! Because Ella has got hubba bubba blubber lips, she knows she’s got an advantage! She uses her special technique of sucking her victims’ mouths, tugging a little, and tonguing a little, and voila! The guys are in big-lippy heaven! But wait! She may have competition! Although hers is made from a chemist’s lab, Erica’s juiced-up twosomes dive in for the kill! As for Holly, she returns some dental-tastic lust and eats Blake’s face off with passion! However, no one wants to even brush Kasey’s slits for lips because of his eternal Fido breath! Help!
In the end, with landslide votes, Ella and Blake win immunity and romantic one-on-one dates with immunity roses up for grabs.
Up in the Air
Ella picks Captain Kirk as her date, and they zoom off to a fancy Papa John’s pizza and smores dinner. The Southern Babe asks the Nordic King what he’d do with the $250K if he won it, and he tells her about his mold illness and how he’d like to pay his parents back for taking care of him. She says she’d like to buy a house for her and her son and start an organization for battered women since her mom died from domestic abuse. Because of their night of sharing and caring, she gives him the rose, and they walk outside for a ride on a hot air balloon! (For a moment, Kirk mistakes it for one of Erica’s utters.) The duo shares a platonic kiss as they float up into the night sky, but Kirk keeps his eyes open and quietly searches the basket for mold spores.
Trying to find a partner to latch onto, Erica takes Blake aside and gives him a sensual massage with some canola oil she finds in the kitchen cabinet. “I just want to take you away from that crazy girl,” she purrs, referring to featherlight Melissa. “I feel like you and I together could really have a chance against everyone else.” Smiling dreamily, Blake looks intently into her mountainous puppies and goes cross-eyed.
Watch Part Two:
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Blake Follows His Willy Wonka
Although Melissa eagerly and expectantly waits for Blake to take her on the one-on-one and Erica hopes he’ll take her up on her offer, Mr. Choppers shocks everyone by choosing Holly. “That’s f–ked up,” Melissa spews out. She proceeds to attack him in front of everyone, and then suddenly, flees the scene with Michelle running after her. “I need someone to have my back!” she heaves. Determined to vote Blake off, the Hunger Strike Queen goes straight to Vienna and Michael and tries to convince them that Tooth Boy and Holly Hobby are going to join forces.
Romancing the Snow
Blake takes Holly on a private jet ride to the snowy mountains of Tahoe! Dressed like a boho chick in plaid Easter pastels, the long-legged gal clumsily falls on the bunny slopes and giggles her freckles off! Heehee! The two roll around on the ground, and Holly mistakes Blake’s teeth for a mouthful of snow. “The sad thing about this date is that I haven’t thought of Michael at all, and if Michael finds out that I have had so much fun with Blake, it’s going to break his heart,” she whines to the camera.
They walk to their fire-lit dinner in the snow, and Blake asks where she stands with Michael. She tells him she’s confused, and to confuse her even more, he gives her the rose. They decide to stay overnight, and they slobber over each other’s thin lips.
Feeling the Heat
Meanwhile, Michael lets the harmful UV rays burn his face during the day as a form of self-punishment, agonizing over the possibility that his one true love is exchanging crabs with a weasel. Later that night, he continues to burn his face in front of the fireplace in hopes it’ll melt off to reveal his sexy bone structure and make Blake jealous.
By the next day—with no sight of Holly—Michael is bald. He glues his fallen hair back on, eagerly waiting for her to come through the door. When she finally arrives, he runs to her and professes his love and says she’s “irreplaceable.” He leans his head near her neck and smells a faint hint of cologne on her called ‘Dentists Do It Best.’ She confesses that they kissed. “I can’t believe you’d do that to me,” Michael cries. She goes off into a corner and pummels food in her mouth but quickly loses her appetite when Vienna comes by to comfort her. “There’s a huge part of me that Michael broke, and I don’t know if that can be fixed,” she declares to the camera.
The Psychotic Preying Mantis Must Go
Cocktail time! Because they already have too many blond male look-alikes in the house, Team Kienna decide they want William out. Team Erk (i.e. Ella + Kirk) decide to aim their target on Vienna Sausage. However, that plan goes down the toilet when they realize Bag-o-Bones Melissa is too much of a liability. As she gets wind that the guys plan to take her out, the Unstable Blond openly and aggressively confronts them, but they all lie to her—in fear for their packages. “I felt I had to lie to Melissa because I thought she was going to cut my nuts off,” Kasey exclaims.
When all the votes are in: William and Melissa are the rosebud-less losahs! In need of a strait jacket, Melissa crawls into the limo and transforms her face into a wet prune. She turns away from the cameras and begins to have a conversation with the leather seat.
Highlights From Next Episode
Everyone hates Blake! Holly and Blake kiss again! Michael wants to punch out Blake’s Stonehenge teeth! Erica tries to entice Blake with lingerie that can’t possibly fit her hooters!
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