Did that really happen? And that? “True Blood” delivered one hell of a season finale. It was alternately heartbreaking and hilarious. It racked up a huge body count of significant characters. It’s Halloween in Bon Temps, and boy is it an unhappy holiday.
Sweet Jesus (Kevin Alejandro), lived up to his name. The episode begins with Marnie, who took control of Lafayette’s (Nelsan Ellis) body last week, stabbing Jesus in the hand with a fork. Marnie/Lafayette then tapes Jesus to a chair and demands that he give all his magic to her. When he refuses, Marnie slashes Lafayette’s chest with a knife. Jesus recites an incantation that makes the candles blow out. Jesus turns into his family’s signature demon. Marnie stabs him in the chest. Jesus utters his final words: “Lafayette I’m sorry.” No! Not sexy, smart, awesome Jesus. Why do Kevin Alejandro’s characters always get killed off? Why did Jesus have to die for Marnie’s sins? Tara (Rutina Wesley) finds a dead Jesus alone in the house and freaks out.
Watch The Finale Below:
Jason (Ryan Kwanten) tells Hoyt (Jim Parrack) that he had sex with Jessica, going into graphic detail about the experience. Hoyt beats the hell out of him and declares their friendship over. Forget the Eric/Sookie/Bill triangle. The finale is all about the Hoyson bromance! Later, Jessica shows up at Jason’s place dressed as Slutty Red Riding Hood. They have pornographic sex. Jessica tells Jason, mid thrust, that she’s not ready for another relationship. They have a tender scene where Jessica assures ordinary, non-magic Jason there is nothing wrong with him. There’s a knock the door. It’s vampire Reverend Newlin!
Now that Jason and Jessica have been covered, it’s time to talk about everyone’s favorite “True Blood” characters: Terry (Todd Lowe) and Arlene (Carrie Preston)! They get into the Halloween spirit by dressing like zombies, in what turns out to be foreshadowing. One of Terry’s old military buddies, Patrick (Scott Foley), drops by Merlotte’s. Foley looks a lot hotter than he did when he was playing a dying guy on “Grey’s”. Later, Arlene has a vision of Rene, who warns her that Patrick will bring danger to Terry and the baby.
Wait, isn’t the protagonist a waitress named Sookie (Anna Paquin)? She has a vision of her Gran lying on the floor bleeding, then tells Tara she dreams of having a drama free life and a bunch of grandchildren. Finally, she shows up at Merlotte’s for the scene everybody’s been dying to see: Sookie tells Sam (Sam Tramell) she’s sorry that Tommy is dead. Sam figures out that Tommy fired Sookie when he shapeshifted into Sam and rehires her.
Finally, about halfway through the episode, we see Sookie with one of the men in her life: Alcide (Joe Manganiello). He tells Sookie that he and Debbie (Britt Morgan) are through. He makes a play for Sookie, suggesting they live the drama free existence she dreamed of earlier. How is someone as hot as Alcide the boring, safe guy? Sookie proves she’s as stupid as Pam thinks she is by rejecting him. Tara tells Sookie and Holly that Marnie has possessed Lafayette, which was some good off-screen detective work. The three women search for Eric.
In what may be the show’s most homeerotic moment ever, they find Bill and Eric chained together, shirtless, on top of an unlit pyre in the cemetery. Lafayette/Marnie announces,“What goes around, comes around bitches.” Holly sprinkles salt around the area. Marnie sets the pyre on fire with her magic powers. Sookie uses her fairy lightburst to throw Marnie to the ground. When Marnie gets up she has the demon head. The dead rise from their graves as Bill and Eric burn. Finally, “True Blood” has found a way to add zombies to the mix. The spirit of Antonia blows out the fire. Gram pulls Marnie’s spirit out of Lafayette. Marnie (Fiona Shaw) delivers what is a touching speech, all things considered, about how she always felt like a freak because of her powers, before she agrees to accept her death. Sookie asks Gran to stay, saying she doesn’t know what to do with her life. In a foreshadowing filled moment, Gran tells her not to fear being alone. Eric finally says, “Excuse me. We’re feeling a little crispy up here,” because everyone forgot about the chained vampires.
Lafayette is horrified that “he” killed Jesus. He has a vision of Jesus who tells him not to worry, everything’s temporary. He points out that since Lafayette is a medium, he’ll always be with him. In other words, Jesus may still be on the show next season.
Eric and Bill, wearing matching bathrobes, both drink from Sookie’s wrists simultaneously. She seems to take a great deal of pleasure in her threesome fantasy sort of coming to life. She claims loving both of them makes her feel like she’s being ripped in half. Bill magnanimously gives Sookie and Eric his blessing. Eric is ready to have non-amnesiac sex with Sookie. Instead, after telling Bill she forgives him for lying to her and admitting that she loved the real vicious Eric, not just the sappy amnesiac, she pulls a Kelly Taylor and dumps them both.
Then the show goes into end one of the biggest season cliffhangers of all time. After Sam says goodnight to Luna, he is confronted by a wolf. Alcide, on a construction job, finds Russell’s empty grave site under a parking garage. Yes! Long live the King.
Nan (Jessica Tuck), accompanied by what Eric awesomely describes as “gay stormtroopers,” tells the new vampire odd couple Bill and Eric that she quit the Authority – and that she was supposed to deliver the true death to both of them. She wants them to join her revolt because she knows they will die for Sookie. Instead, Eric beheads the troopers and Bill kills Nan! Everyone will be after them next year.
Debbie, distraught that Alcide dumped her, points a gun at Sookie, again. Tara steps in front of her and takes the bullet. This time, Sookie gets the gun away from Debbie and actually pulls the trigger. Debbie dies. But, Tara has been shot in the head, and seems pretty thoroughly dead, too. Sookie begs for help. The total body count: four major characters! Fade to black.
“People always tell you to follow your heart. What if your heart keeps telling you to do the same stupid s–t all over again?” – Alcide to Sookie.
“If you really want to know, missionary, then doggie, then her on top.” – Jason answering Hoyt’s question about how he could bring himself to sleep with Jessica.
“You can’t trade magic like f—-ing Pokemon cards” – Jesus to Marnie.
“Do you want a bag of empty Coors cans and Food Stamps or do you want candy?” Arlene on the virtues of trick or treating at a trailer park.