Last night’s “Jersey Shore” episode should’ve been called “Snooki and Deena Gone Wild—and Bi.”
Considering both girls felt incredibly lonely and smush-deprived in their foreign adventures (Snooki being so far from Jionni and Deena discovering her Italian crush apparently gets hickeys from his sister), the Mini Meatballs decided to turn to the bottle and unleash their kooka’d desires onto each other while on a weekend beach vacay.
However, if inebriated face-sucking weren’t bad enough already, the girls end up “banging” someone else and wind up in the back seat of a cop car!
Check out the pornographic and illegal highlights here:
Smashed at the Beach
After returning from their ridiculous pizzeria day job, Snooki calls Jionni, and like a manic bipolar guinea pig being electrocuted, he immediately lashes out at her, claiming she was rude the day before. Snooki charges back saying he was the rude one and that the rest of the house thinks he’s a jerkoff, too! At hearing this, he flips out and threatens not to come to Italy.
In need of a getaway, the gang takes off to a local beach, and the girls decide to get trashed. Unfortunately, for Sammi and JWoww, Kooka #1 and #2 (Snooki and Deen-er) gulp down too many milky neon blue shots and start getting crazy sloppy.
The Guidette Dwarfs go off on their own and (literally) stumble upon an outside dancing venue. They go bonkers on the floor, and acting like a charging bull, Snooki accidentally runs straight into the bushes. (Fire ants crawl into her secret place and immediately die.) Meanwhile, Deena is feeling the rhythm of the Conga Beat and shakes her groove thang so hard that her bikini bottom falls off! Let’s just say it was like watching the before shot of an anti-cellulite cream commercial.
Watch Deena Discuss Hooking Up With Snooki On The Post Show:
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Escapade Turns Into Les-capades
When nighttime rolls around, the crew goes clubbing and tries to pretend that “Team Meatball” aren’t as jacked as they know them to be. Dancing near the pool, Deena spreads her legs wide and dips low to reveal the most horrific scene ever—her “Gloria Estefan” is showing sans undies! JWoww screams as if she’s seen a cockroach (but really, it’s more like a kookaroach)!
But Deena isn’t done offending. She grabs a willing Snooki, and they spank and rub up against each other on the dance floor. Like two hamsters in heat, they suddenly start making out—exchanging halitosis and fever blister viruses with great passion—and causing Pauly and Vin’s brains to come up with major “lesbiana” jokes for the next morning.
As if “digesting each other’s tongues” isn’t enough, Deena begins to straddle Snooki for even more action, and it becomes a sign to the rest of crew: Time to freakin’ go home. The lil lesbiana duo trips into the cab and continue making out. They get back to the hotel and commence their session in the bedroom until one of them rips a big one and falls asleep.
Crashing Into Trouble
When the Munchkins wake up the next afternoon, they don’t remember a thing. JWoww and Sammi give them a rendition of their girl-on-girl oral acrobatics, and the two are totally grossed out and confused.
When the gang returns to their Florence pad, Snooki braces herself and confesses her sin to Jionni on the phone. “So that’s all you did, was like, make out with Deena? Alright,” he says coolly.
To get back into the routine of GTL, Snooks and Deens drive off to the gym, twisting and turning in the crazy traffic. Then BAM! They hit a po-po’s car! Because Snooki left her driver’s license at the house, Deena quickly calls the dudes for help. A paramedic arrives and places the officer whose car they hit onto a stretcher! A different po-po gives Snooks a breathalizer test. “Let’s go!” he commands. Whining and weeping, Snooki gets into the backseat of his car and Deena climbs in with her, secretly hoping they’ll continue their bow chicka wow wow!—this time in handcuffs!
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