Last night’s “Jersey Shore” Quadruple Love-Suck between Snooki, Jionni, Sitchie, and now Vinny reminded us of the whole Sam and Ron craptastrophe—only this time, the exhausting saga was thankfully laced with some hilar piggie-snort worthy moments.
Snooki’s constant denial and prepubescent paradigm of love started getting on everyone’s last nerve—even threatening her friendship with her biggest supporter, signora bobblehead JWoww.
As for The Snitch-u-ation, The Little One had enough of his snake-like “smossip” (a.k.a. smush gossip) about the two of them and decided the only natural course of action was to try to kill him.
Watch Snooki Literally Throw Everything But The Kitchen Sink At Mike:
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Check out how the violence began and ended right here:
Vodka = Memory Loss
“What the f–k just happened?” asks a freshly smushed Snooki as she leaves Vinny’s bed. When she returns to her room and wakes up a swollen fro-headed JWoww, the latter tells her that Sitch told everyone the night before that she went to town on his dangly parts. Snooki starts immediately screaming at Sitch, but this time, he refuses to placate her. “Talk to me first!” he yells angrily.
‘Gym, Tan, Who’s the Rat?’
Fed up with Snooki always listening to second-hand info and blasting his badonka donk for it—not to mention his frustration with being called a liar about their smush orgy—Sitch decides to “teach her a lesson.” He starts spreading a lie that he gave Jionni’s number to his friend The Unit (the guy who was with Sitch the night he and the Little Squirrel Monkey pumped pasties).
Sitchie claims he’s doing this to see who ends up ratting on him, but we know he’s creating these near-homicidal shenanigans to remind MTV that he’s worth his G’s per episode. Sammi ends up telling Snooki about the lie (thinking it’s the truth), and needless to say, the Pint-Size Guidette starts flipping out on the Troublemaker, throwing bottles of champagne and any other sharp object lying around that can damage his ostrich egg-shaped biceps.
“It’s a joke!” Situation screams. “Don’t listen from the peanut gallery! Ask people first! No phone call was ever made!” She screams at him when he comes near her and seconds later, explodes into tears.
Whining While Wining
While the guys go off to Sicily to visit Vinny’s relatives, the girls decide to go on a Tuscan winery tour to drink their tensions away. As they taste test exquisite bubbly that has its origins in rich history—or “geography” as Snooki calls it—the Little Orange Nub starts whining about her situation with Jionni.
Sick of her best friend’s state of denial, JWoww calls her out and says she’s got to man up on smushing Vinny and realize Jionni will never take her back when he finds out. Eventually, Snooki screams at the scratchy-voiced brunette, saying she’s not being a true friend, but the two end up hugging and making up between massive wine burps.
A Second Chance at Fudging Things Up
After discovering Jionni’s changed his Facebook status to “single,” Snooki calls him freaking out. “Why do you want to talk?! You broke up with me. You broke my f–king heart!” he barks.
“I said I wanted a break!” she yelps, correcting him. Downing a bottle of booze, Snooki confesses she and Vinny’s private parts played a few rounds of hide-and-seek but no legit smushing occurred. In response Jionni tells her they’re over and that Vinny’s abdomen is dead (since that’s as high up as his fists can reach). He hangs up. She wahhs some more.
The next day, Snook ’ems calls him back, and he tells her he’ll give her another chance. Her rotund body springs up for joy, but because she wants a clean conscience, she later asks Vinny to clarify what level of nasty they achieved the night before. Surprised she was that trashed—or what he calls, “a glitch in the Matrix”—the Vinmeister tells her they paid each other’s pipers til the sun stopped shining.
With her nerves rattled and her secret place burning with who-knows-what, Snooki calls Jionni again to confess her inebriated sins. “We had sex,” she tells Jionni about her night with Vin.
Dead silence accompanies the receiving end. Dom da da dom!
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