The last act of “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” ended the way every Kardashian show ends: happily ever after! Yippie! But Kim and Kris’ road to “I Do”—ensconced with diamond headpieces and shaved mustaches—wasn’t a pretty one. There was infighting, resentment, last name considerations (would Kim change her name to Kim Humph-Kardash?), bittersweet daddy revelations, and million dollar decisions to be spent and made, baby!
Check out how Kim and Kris went from choking each other to nuptial-luscious kisses:
Khloé tells Mom Kris about her and Humph-Barf’s fight at the engagement party and that Kimmie disinvited her to the wedding. “I f–ked up by being too honest,” she says regretfully. “You can never be too honest, Khloe,” assures Mom Kris. “As long as you don’t tell me I’m fat.”
Regardless, the youngest Kardashian says she won’t be going to the bachelorette party and forces Mom and Bruce to go to a sex shop to buy a bunch of blow up dolls for Kim’s “penis party” in Vegas.
Meanwhile Kim takes a trip out to see Kris in his hometown in Minnesota. After they discuss how jealous Khloé must be over their engagement and elaborately endorsed wedding, the bride-to-be decides to clean out the green creatures growing in her man’s heinous discolored toe nails by giving him a pedi. As she massages his feet and hairy gorilla legs, he stares at her with intensity and squeaks a big one. She giggles and immediately faints from fart inhalation.
Watch Kim’s Walk Down The Aisle:
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After a quick return to L.A., the lovebirds get ready to hop back on a plane for their bachelorette and bachelor parties in Vegas. When the ladies get on their private jet, Kim tells Kourtney that she’s angry and offended that Khloé isn’t coming.
But surprise! When they get to the hotel, Khlo pops out in front of them and jiggles her sister’s udders as a way of making peace! With a snap of a finger, everything’s back to normal!
At the bridal party, Kim tells her A-list guests that she plans on changing her last name to Humphries, which makes Momager’s freshly tightened jowls drop a few inches. She pulls her daughter into her office and tells her giving up her illustrious Kardashian name would be a ridonk business move. “Don’t do this to me at my shower…you are so selfish,” declares Kim. “Britney Spears didn’t change her name!” argues Mom Kris.
To prove her point, the elder Kardashian designs marketing posters, showing Kim what her brand would look like with Humphries as her new moniker: introducing the Hump Rope! Hump Perfume! And Hump Drinks!
Kim gets the point and decides not to change her name. However, she knows conservative Humphy-Dumphy won’t be happy with the news. “Me think you family make decisions for you!” he grunts when she spills the beans. He adds: “You’re 30 years old—grow up.”
Watch Kris and Kim Bicker:
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Taken aback by his silverback ways, Kim retaliates and calls him a Midwest hillbilly. He puts her in her place and says she better check herself, considering it was just four years ago that she was selling clothes at a boutique (yes, Kris, and a year or so before that, there was “The Tape” she made with her then-boyfriend Ray J)…but we won’t go there.
At the rehearsal dinner, tension between K-I and K-II is at an all-time high—so much so that the Jolly Green Giant decides to grow a pimp daddy mustache in defiance. “This is all I feel like I have left is my mustache,” he says. “I hate him,” she says to her friends with a frozen smile. However, the Bickersons’ anger subsides when Kris’ friend goes up on stage to share how the two started dating and falling in lust love.
In memory of her father, Kim decides to cut out hearts from one of his old shirts and sew them into her three wedding dresses. Bruce comes over and drops off her dad’s shirts, and she breaks out into tears and has a poignant epiphany that lasts for a few seconds. Amid major ugly cry, she realizes the materialism of her wedding is nothing compared to the immaterial—the memory and love of her father. Good-natured Bruce comforts her in his usual high-pitched voice, and the two hug it out.
Watch Kim’s Breakdown:
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“You were crying, baby. You’ve never done that around me,” Kris says after Bruce leaves. “You don’t know a whole half of my life,” Kimmie yelps as tears dissolve the pancake bronzer off her face. “I want my dad here!”
Realizing he doesn’t really know a lot about his future wife (and why would he, since he’s known her for, oh, 10 minutes), Humph-Cake lets go of his resentment about her not taking his name. “Maybe for now she should keep her last name and at least always have that part of him,” he says about the memory of her father. (He resolves not to bicker with her until he sees the restraining prenup conditions.)
The day of Kim and Kris’ wedding finally arrives! “This is more than I could have ever dreamed of,” Kim says as she looks around the Santa Barbara estate that has been transformed into an elaborate double-stuffed Oreo cookie.
As celeb guests begin to file in, The Humph-Groom sweats it out—his mustache twitching, his heart racing, and his legs exploding into mini-seizures.
Mom walks down the aisle and proudly shows off her obsession with bow ties by wearing a brontosaurus-sized bow on her white dress, along with her new tight neck. In the only unscripted moment of the show, ring-bearer Mason waddles towards Kourt, and she picks him up and almost falls flat on her face.
Now trumpets, please! Donning her diamond headpiece that makes her look like an Arabian princess, Kimmie traipses down the aisle with “Here Comes the Bride” playing in the background. Everyone claps. The couple exchanges vows, and the bride falls more in love with her younger man as she realizes he shaved his pimp’d-out mustachio after all! Once they exchange rings and are announced husband and wife, Cap’n Hump kneels 10 feet to the floor to kiss his bride!
“Baby, you’re my wife now!” he says as the new couple walks down the aisle and gets attacked by white rose petals hurled by Dina and Lindsay Lohan.
“How weird is that?” the new Mrs. Kris Humphries exclaims.
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