Poor Brandi. You’d think that a girl on crutches who’s going through a messy public divorce would’ve garnered some sympathy and avoided a Mean Girl Fiasco—but not in 90210, biznatches. (And that’s especially if you call yourself a “slut” and allow your child to have a wee-weeing celebration in your friend’s expensive backyard.)
On last night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” we realized two important things from the Game Fright Night brawl eppy: 1) Brandi and Dana are on opposite ends of the high school spectrum. The former is the tough new girl in the neighborhood who refuses to kiss anybody’s skinny J-Lo to be accepted. The latter is the awkward chubby chick who’s dying to be in the popular crowd and will kiss (and deep-tissue massage) everybody’s J-Lo but will never fully get the respect she craves. Losah! 2) Slurring Kim needs to stop dressing in those weird matador jackets and 80s blouses that make her look like she’s part of Prince and the Revolution.
And onto the conclusion of El Lamo Game-o Night and then some…
To get under Brandi’s juiced-up lips, Kyle attacks her for not disciplining her child for peeing on Adrienne’s lawn. “Don’t talk about my f–king children!” Brandi screams. Kyle digs in. “Kids don’t know any better—mothers do.” The flaring-nostril’d brunette—who looks a lot like Michael Douglas when she angrily juts out her bottom lip—continues to berate Brandi by saying she’s trailer trash. Not knowing which sister to attack next, Brandi resorts to Kim and says the jittery blond is “cracked out of her mind.”
Watch Their Game Night War Of Words Continue:
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“At least I don’t do crystal meth in the bathroom all night long, b–ch!” Brandi says, dipping her neck to the side with divalicious ‘tude. “Walk the f–k away—don’t talk about my baby! I! Will! F–king! Kill! You!!!” she says shaking. Suddenly, she bursts into tears, but her inner-cheetah is still ready to pounce!
And the next few ba-nay-nay moments go a little something like this:
Kyle springs up and and points her thick man finger at Brandi! A groggy Kim does the same but forgets whom she’s supposed to be mad at! Taylor jumps in between Kim and Brandi to prevent any weave pulling (and every vein and muscle fiber in her outstretched arms are clearly visible)! Brandi slams Kim’s Grim Reaper bony digits away from hers with a violent swoop! “You’re a slut pig!” yells Kim in her gravel voice. She shakily moonwalks towards the bathroom.
Obviously by now, the game night is dunzo, and the gang members ladies disperse to go home. “Now you know what you put us through last year!” Kyle says to Camille laughing. (The latter attempts to create a semblance of joyful amusement, but all we see is her mouth open, while her hollow eyes and gelatinous cheekbones stay in place.)
Dana takes Kyle aside to kiss up to her some more but only manages to mesmerize her with her sycophantic jibber-jabber. “Let’s go. We’re always forever; that’s what we do,” she says to the Brunette, who stares at her with a WTF expression.
As Kyle and Kim take their kids to Palm Desert, tensions quickly build as Kyle begins to mother her older sister again. Meanwhile, Lisa and daughter Pandora invite star wedding planner Kevin Lee to their house for ideas for the big day.
Acting like Martin Short’s outrageous character from “Father of the Bride,” Kevin scares Lisa a bit with his extravagant ideas, strong opinions, and high monetary demands—let alone his unnaturally tight face, grey foundation, and beaver tail mullet of a hair ‘do. “Beverly Hills, darling, shi shi shi shi!” he exclaims like a little Asian Tinkerbell sprinkling fairy dust around his nonexistent hips.
Watch Lisa Fight With The Wedding Planner:
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At Camille’s charity event luncheon, Kyle and Brandi are forced to sit at the same table, and the tense awkwardness leaves all the gals uncomfortable. To make her point that she’s not intimidated, Brandi openly declares that talking smack about someone else’s kids “should be off limits.” Being the ball buster that she is, Lisa wants to say something back on behalf of Kyle—who’s too busy smashing her face in dessert—but only manages to do small talk with the seething newbie.
Although she considers mentioning Winston Churchill as a jab since the blond confused him for a black man at game night, the Brit refrains after she thinks she sees Brandi making a West Coast gangsta sign with her fingers, pointing in their direction.
Can’t wait for next week’s beauty brawl facial meltdown—and this time it looks like it’ll be on Kim!
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