The epic season finale of the “Jersey Shore” was epically catatonic. I slept through half the show, and the only reason I was shaken out of my slumber was because I was having a nightmare of a salivating Deena coming after me with a fork and knife in hand.
But let’s not dwell on her cannibalism. Let’s talk about the main jerk of the season—The Snitch-u-ation. After giving the gang much grief with his self-induced head-banging concussion, his Snooki-inhaled-my-sausage confession, and his need to pick fights at the club with guys who come up to his nipples, Sitch decided to wave his white flag and apologize.
But he didn’t do it without a fight…check out the season finale wrap-up below.
Only the Lonely
Sitchie is all alone, and it’s driving him bananas. For entertainment, he begins talking to himself in his gay voice, kicking the wall, and eating sandwiches with his pinky soaring high in the air. Ron decides to knock some sense into him by letting him know that he’s a drama queen and will be dropped if he doesn’t apologize to everyone. Sitch shrugs his shoulders and spits on the ground to show how dismissive he is of Turtle Dwarf’s warnings.
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Quick Trip Down South
But Turtle Dwarf has a panting Sam-Sam on his hands, and she’s hungry for some sugar, baby. She takes him to the smush room so they can get it on til da break of dawn—while everyone’s home. In a flash, their dirty, itchy deed is done and they scurry out to do the “walk of shame.”
“The whole house knows it takes five minutes [for them] to get their smush on; no wonder why Sam never smiles,” cackles Pauly, whose face looks even more stretched out when he’s happy.
The Three Meatball-teers
At the club, Snooki and Deena become bored real fast and the latter complains about her “boob, kooka, and a–hole sweat.” Team Meatball hops to another club and finds a third Meatball just as crazy as they are. She even does a robot dance! Unfortunately, Snooks and Dee’s fascination with their new local find disappears once they realize her secret place is humping Snooks’ clutch.
For their last dinner, the guys decide to scratch Italian food and go for an all-American barbecue. They grill many weiners, and the girls eat them voraciously with delight. They all agree that they can’t wait to get back to the Shore, and Pauly fantasizes about going to the tanning salon so he can blend in with his wooden floors again.
As the gang prepares to go sightseeing, Sitch tells Snooki in a vulnerable whimper that he’ll miss her since he won’t be coming back to Seaside Heights. Although he had hoped she’d plead for him to return, she adjusts her udders and quietly walks away.
When they go on their walking tour, they come upon the Statue of David, and the girls salivate as they look at his plump and perfect badonka donk. Deena says she’d tap that, but Snooki isn’t happy with his small package.
After sulking and trying to isolate himself from the group all day to get a reaction, Sitchie decides the best thing to do is to apologize to everyone. Sporting his gay voice that constitutes not finishing syllables at the end of his sentences, he says he’s sorry and presents roses to the girls. The gals contort their faces but accept his apology, even though they know it’s as worthless as baboon dookie.
Return of the Crap
The next day Sitch makes breakfast for the house to make everyone think he’s a repentant guido. As they finish up eating the scrambled eggs that he secretly spit in, Sitch announces he’s going to Jersey after all! The room turns quiet. Deena swallows her bacon belch. To avoid another potential Snitch-u-ation tantrum, the gang claps with fake joy, even though they want to smash their heads against a concrete wall and get concussions. Clueless to their quiet desperation, Sitch decides to pulls up his shirt as a close-out to their familial celebration, revealing phenomenal breasts abs.
But as always, he has a few tricks up his sleeve…”I will take down the whole house…say hello to the bad guy!” he cackles to the camera.
Looks like the villain isn’t done yet. Season 5 here we come—[cue Pauly’s voice]—”Yeah, buddy!”
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