It’s a Full, Dysfunctional House for Kim and Kris in ‘New York’ Premiere

Kourtney and Kim Take New York (E!)

Kourtney and Kim Take New York (E!)

If Kim was hoping Kris would be perceived as a chauvinistic, rude, and immature Neanderthal, last night’s season premiere of “Kourtney & Kim Take New York” was off to a great chest-thumping start!

But the newlyweds weren’t the only ones showing signs of relationship craptastrophe. Aside from their obvious mistake of moving into a two-story suite with Kourt, Scott, and lil Mason—things got extra cray-cray with Kourt and Scott barking at each other—not to mention Kourt’s new obsession with her kale-chip eating, naked-yoga embracing holistic lifestyle.

Before we jump into the highlights, guess there’s only one thing left to say: Oil enema, anyone?

Before Kim and Kris hop into their private plane and fly over to NYC, Kourtney gives Scott a tour of their new digs and shows him to his individual room—as in, separate from her and Prince Mason’s. At hearing this, Scott’s ascot-wearing cajones shrink, and he feels totally abandoned by his ice queen.

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When Kim and Kris arrive, Kris tells everyone he feels weirded out by the whole living situation but goes with it for the time being—so long as he doesn’t feel dominated by a munchie-faced toddler and his chemical-free toy blocks—or by his new wifey who’s already nagging him to pick up after himself.

Trying to feel he still has some power to loosen Kourt’s tight leash around his neck, Scott hangs out in the balcony and smokes artificial marshmallow ciggies. Barely enjoying his first drag, he feels a burning sensation on the back of his neck and turns around to see a disapproving Kourtney staring at him in disgust. He drops the cancer stick and grumpily submits to her commando glance, albeit quietly wishing they could return to their lewd PDA ways from years past.

The next day, Kourt convinces Kim to come with her to a holistic spa treatment. After the Ayurvedic spa therapists drowns Kim’s face and body with gallons of oil, Kim opens her eyes to find one of the ladies slapping on a pair of surgical gloves to give them a slippery cleanse—it’s oil enema time!

Refusing to let anyone but her hubby touch her luscious badonka donk, Kim refuses the treatment but Kourt happily oils up her secret place down south! When they get back home, Kris disses Kourt’s holistic kick and decides to offer her something a bit more organic: his gaseous contempt! She freaks out, and the aftermath of her oil enema peters out onto their bed!

Although reluctant to go, Kris concedes to accompany Kim to her and Kourt’s “Welcome to New York Party.” Once they get onto the red carpet, he quickly gets annoyed with all of the posing and walks off to be alone. He refuses to take part in the rest of the night’s festivities and asks Kim if they could bounce since he needs to get up early the next morning and train. Moments later, he apologizes for acting like a jerk (but continues being one for the rest of the eppy).

Meanwhile, Kourt feels Scott’s slipping back into his party boy ways and decides to leave him high and dry at the party. The next morning, they get into an argument, and he barks that he’s fed up with her treating him like a child and threatens to move out—but not before he gels his hair back and transforms into a poster child for a Brooks Brothers’ ad…

But never mind Scotty D. and his bucktoothed tantrums, Kourt is going to let go of all that negative energy with NAKED yoga! She forces Kim and their DASH employees to namaste with her, and luckily for them, they get a male yoga instructor!

Although most of the ladies don’t end up showing off their cottage cheese bottoms whilst practicing downward dog, the instructor gracefully reveals his birthday suit and proceeds to spread eagle with pride! As the ladies cry with laughter, unholistic Kris quickly joins them when he accidentally walks through the door! Not knowing how to channel how offended he is by such unabashed buck-nakedness, Kris resorts to his usual antics: He begins to insult the instructor immediately. Embarrassed by his trash talk, Kim screams at him and tells him to shut his immature mouth. He storms off to gather his thoughts and shake off the images of buoyant dangly parts floating in his conservative brain….

Once he returns, Kris tells Kim he can’t deal with the insanity and says he’s going back to Minnesota so he can properly train. Her bottom lip juts out with sadness, but since neither of them have thought through their relationship (like most normal people do), she consents. Her beloved Skyscraper packs his bags and leaves the next day…

Oh, if only he knew he’d be doing the same thing 72 days later…

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