Let’s get something (appropriately) straight: The Katy Perry song “I Kissed a Girl” is not an anthem for gay ladies. Hello, she’s not “in-love to-tonight.”
You want a bona fide lesbian, you go to k.d. lang. And the “Glee” folks did, for Santana’s big end number. Which leads me to my obligatory side bar…
Did Ryan Murphy, like me, spend a significant portion of the 80s and early 90s being carted back and forth to piano lessons by his mother, and if so, did she, like my mother, listen exclusively to “soft rock” in her car? It’d be weird if he did, because he was in his twenties at the time, but I can think of no other explanation for him developing the taste in music that he infuses into “Glee.” Last week with the Hall & Oates, now with the k.d. lang and the Melissa Etheridge? While I am SO on board with adult contemporary chart toppers of yesteryear, I have to wonder if today’s teens would be as eagerly belting them out as he’d have us believe.
Anyway, songs by Perry and lang were part of Lady Music Week in both WMHS glee clubs in order to support the newly out Santana because women are better at accepting themselves… I guess? I don’t know, it was Fetus Face—er, Finn’s idea, and he had to blackmail Santana to get her to participate.
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Kurt and Blaine went first with a Pink song that I think was good, but I can’t be sure because I was too distracted trying to figure out Kurt’s sweater. Was it a) a Snuggie’s failed suicide attempt or b) the newest addition to my Christmas list? (That rug with armholes he wore later in the episode was more clearly offensive.)
Puck’s lady song was “I’m the Only One,” which was fair. You know how when Melissa Etheridge sings, it sounds awesome but also like there could very likely be a restraining order in her future? Puck had the obsessive stare down, but I didn’t feel the crazy in his voice.
Finn led the rest of the boys in a sweet, slow version of “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” He took this forcing Santana out of the flannel closet thing really seriously, fearing that she would eventually harm herself if she kept up the public denial + private self-loathing combo.
Santana’s parents turned out to be supportive, but her abuelita pulled a Mike Chang, Sr., and kicked Santana to the curb for wanting to be out instead of closeted and miserable her whole life. Is this going to be another, “The hater is secretly gay!” thing? Because they already did that with Karofsky.
Is it possible that Naya Rivera could be stealthily inching toward a best supporting actress nom? Feel free to speculate wildly.
Remember, Santana’s outing was just a side effect of a larger campaign that claimed Congressional candidate Sue Sylvester was a raging homosexual. So Sue enlisted Coach Beiste’s crush Cooter the Recruiter to be her new public bf.
You could tell this was a particularly devastating blow to Beiste, not just because her super bright eyes were tear-filled, but because she was driven to sing, which is a sure sign of Serious Business on “Glee.” Her take on “Jolene” was simple, earnest, and effective.
By the episode’s end, Sue had lost the election to Burt Hummel, but she hadn’t quite lost Cooter. He confessed to essentially have feelings for both women, and Beiste declared a war for his heart.
Speaking of battle, Quinn may finally be armed with something that could help her get custody of baby Beth.
First she blatantly invited Puck over for sex while her mom was out drinking for Jesus. But he stone-cold rejected her offer. He was still hot for Shelby, who freaked when Beth cut her lip open and called Puck for support. Cut to Shuck post-roll in the hay. Despite the fact that Mark Salling looks 47, they didn’t show any kissing or whatnot, presumably because that would be icky.
Shelby told Puck he had to go and used the word “mistake” again, which prompted him to call her a coward and to run to Q for “angry sex.” Quinn’s disregard for using protection revealed her desire to make another baby. Puck kept it in his pants and instead told Q she had potential to reach before it would be baby time again.
BUT THEN, even though we didn’t see it, he obviously told Q about his romp with Shelby, and now Quinn is sure to run screaming to the cops, and Shelby will go to prison, where there will be no decent choreography, and everything will be ruined.
Okay, it’s possible no laws were broken, but Shelby is still likely on her way back out of town. And even though that’s probably best for the characters, it sucks for us because we won’t have Idina Menzel in our living rooms anymore.
Oh, and there’s the final business of Rachel being suspended from Sectionals. Yeah, she was scared of Kurt not getting into NYADA and therefore not being her gay mascot in college, so she stuffed the ballot box so he would win class president (he actually lost to Brit). Somehow, I’m sure New Directions will pull through to Regionals anyway.
Other good stuff:
Best musical number: “Constant Craving” from Santana with a little Shelby and even Kurt for good measure.
Best Sue-ism: “Better luck next time, David Boreanaz.” The revelation of Sue’s detailed little black book was icky and fantastic.
Snix’s shining moments: “Your hideous bowties are provoking me,” and “With all the horrible crap I’ve been through in my life, now I get to add that.”
And some not-so-good:
Worst musical number: Oh, they were all okay. “I Kissed a Girl” missed the point, but it didn’t hurt my ears.
Coldest insult in a night full of insults: Puck to Quinn, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.” I felt like a grandma for having to consult Urban Dictionary on this one, but my shame significantly decreased upon reading the definition. I’m a lesbian – why should I know that term?