Patti Stanger and Bravo host Andy Cohen closed out last night’s final installment of “The Millionaire Matchmaker Reunion” with great wordplay, a few Patti Melts (i.e. meltdowns) via some crazy millionaires, and a surprise engagement! Of course, the night wouldn’t be complete without at least one gay generalization, which Patti provided with precision.
Among the many quickie revelations we learned in the one-hour segment, Patti claimed she doesn’t hate gingers (her millionaires just do) and that when it comes to knowing if they’re in love, “men are microwaves and women are crockpots”—the former know immediately, while the latter take a long time to figure things out.
As for the gay stereotype moment, Patti urged women who are looking to get their breasts enlarged to go to a gay male surgeon since gay men are the experts in aesthetics and will keep the medical jelly to a tasteful size…Now, that generalization wasn’t so bad, was it? Or was it?
Dying to know more of Patti’s best moments? Here are our top five:
1. Patti Speak. Andy’s montage of Patti’s Patt-isms made for a convincing case that girlfriend’s got her own language. Check out some of her verbal gems:
– “Penis does the picking.”
– “He’s got more issues than Playboy.”
– “With tequila you get babies.”
– “The secret is really blending the heart with the penis.”
– brag-o-saurus, squishy gishy, slip n’ slides, juicy goosy (and yeah, you can guess some of these are X-rated).
2. A case of GTL: Girlish Tanning Lawrence. Patti’s one-time party boy client Lawrence might still abide by her rules on spray tanning (at least on his face and hands), but he admitted that her rules on “no sex before monogamy” was kind of bogus. He also added that “Patty’s wounded; she’s hurt,” which was his attempt in explaining why she was still single. In response, the 50-year-old matchmaker said the reason why he’s still single is because “he’s internally feminine and a narcissist.” Needless to say, the whole girly-man comment didn’t sit right with him, but he didn’t lose his marbles for fear that she would reach out and kill him.
3. “Crack-crazy, crotch-showing” Stacy K. There was no love lost between the infamous self-indulgent fame whore Stacy and Patti-cakes. When Andy asked Patti why the “actress”/”hostess”/”model” can’t find love, she said it’s because Stacy leads with her “exhibitionist foot” and her love for fame supersedes her desire to be in a committed relationship. Of course, Stacy’s nostrils flared with fury, and she came prepared to hit below the belt.
“Everyone who watches the show knows you’re miserable,” said Stacy to Patti. “You’re never gonna get married. You’re probably online more than anyone in this room.”
To this, Patti had a Patti Melt. Screaming from her chair and pointing her finger, she blasted Stacy, saying she knows nothing of her personal life and besides, she can’t deal with talking to someone who shows their crotch on a first date. (Stacy had shown a lingerie reel of herself to a date who ended up totally being repulsed by her.) It was getting so ugly between the two that Andy stopped the barking before any body slamming occurred.
4. The DILF. Although by season’s end we saw Patti getting set up on her own date and feeling the chemistry with software salesman John Matthews, the two ended up realizing they only had “fremistry” (friend chemistry). But John did admit to Andy that she was a good kisser.
5. How Apropos-al! One of Patti’s successful matches, David Cruz and Ayla Webb, sat down with her and Andy to update them on their 5-plus month dating relationship. What Patti and Andy didn’t know was that David was ready to bring out the major bling! Shocking everyone, the millionaire got on one knee and proposed to his sweetheart, making everyone in the room teary-eyed. In between the smooching and “I love yous,” Ayla said she had “waited for a guy to be as nice as my father is.” Patti’s big lips shook with joy—finally, a romantic televised victory for all!
And to that, we all say “Mazel”!