‘Bachelor’ Premiere: A Grandma and a Horse Capture Ben’s Heart

The Bachelor (ABC)

Hair fetishists, lesbians, and Grandma Sheryls everywhere were overjoyed when the season premiere of the “Bachelor” finally arrived last night.

Looking perfectly coiffed and reserved, Ben was introduced to his 25 potential juicy lollipops and discovered that even in the show’s 16th season, there were still a few surprises up the producers and the contestants’ sleeves—namely in the form of a senior citizen, a grand My Little Pony entrance, two “lesbian cream puffs,” and a PhD student who tapped into her inner 50 cent.

But while the novelties piqued our interest (and then made us swallow our barf seconds later), the conventional contestant stereotypes dominated more than all the weaves, spray tans, and teeth whitening systems you could imagine combined!

Check out how Ben-bo recovered post-Ashley and laugh your heinys off at the old and new contestant categories we uncovered:

The Grapes of Wrath
After Ben gets the emotional beat down from bang-pulling Ashley in Fiji, he decides to flee to his beloved San Fran to focus his wounded angry heart on producing superior polyphenols, letting Jennifer Love Hewitt drool over him to boost his ego, and to work on his tan and medium-sized biceps.

As his lovely montage commences, we discover his ardent love for multi-colored plaid shirts and not smiling for the camera, as well as the shocking reality that his forehead is smaller than we remembered.

And now we turn over to the ladies….

The Conventional Types
Category Hillbilly: There’s usually some country in the bunch, but Amber T. takes it to another level of podunk. She not only rifles it up in Nebraska but is determined to get Ben to eat cow testicles with her. We hope Benji  is in the habit of carrying Tabasco in his man purse.

Category Cray-Cray: Move over Michelle Kujawa and Slim Fast Melissa Schreiber, Jenna the Blogger is in da mansion! “The Overanalyst” wastes no time in expressing her emo instability and paranoia to Ben, and quickly finds an arch enemy in Monica, who is a questionable lesbianiac Peg Bundy look-alike.

Category Divorcée: Texas Nicki fits the naive peppy wittle girl who gets married at a super young age, gets divorced, thinks it’s a big deal in revealing it, and is looking to have another wedding of her dreams! Yeehaww! Sucker for love!

Category She-Man: Interesting and full of zest, Lyndsie J. is an international, cultured lady who likes to wear kimonos and show off her multi-lingual capabilities. Unfortunately, she looks like a dude…and her butt chin doesn’t help her chances. But we give her a thumbs up for her spirit and her British accent!

Category Narcissist: Courtney the Model knows she’s gorge but doesn’t realize her ego and her incessant need to tilt her head to the side as if posing bring her down a few notches…but Ben and his package are entranced..for the time being.

Category Single Mom: And you wonder where this story is gonna go. Shawn is a single mom and will keep her kid a secret for the time being. Once she makes the big reveal to Ben, we figure he’ll most likely reject her—judging the fact that single mommies don’t fare well on this show, and Benji’s gravitating toward the brunettes anyway. Plus, he just doesn’t seem like he’s looking for complicated love. The end.

Notable New Types
Category Gotcha(!): Out of desperation to toss in a surprise (and perhaps having received secret payments from Poligrip ad execs), producers mislead us to believe 72-year-old granny Sheryl wants Ben’s young, virile cajones. But nope—GOTCHA, girlfriends! She’s actually there on behalf of her hamster-cheeked granddaughter Brittney.

Category Nerd-Gangsta Rapper: Although Ben-jina looks on awkwardly as epidemiologist Emily squeezes hand sanitizer in her hands to greet her potential sperm donor, she redeems herself (slightly) when she raps about her PhD studies on diseases, vitamins, quarantine, and cleanliness. We give her bonus points for offering hand movements with lots of flava.

Category Neigh-Neigh: Equestrian Lindzi C. rides in as the final girl—on a horse, of course! Avoiding the animal’s behind just in case of hay plops, Ben quickly brings his lady down to the cobblestone and the two embrace. He secretly forgives her for smelling like her four-legged friend.

Watch Lindzi’s Grand Entrance:

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Category (Faux?) Bi or Lesbian: Maybe it’s just an act, but Monica puts the moves on Blakeley, and the two are coined “lesbian cream puffs.” Me thinks it’s just another ploy of the producers to spice things up this season. Womp womp.

Quote of the Night
“I love grandmas.” – Ben

Ben’s Degradation
Once the cocktail party’s in full swing, the ladies compromise Ben’s integrity in the following ways: They force him to wear floral Kentucky derby hats, play soccer, do manic push-ups, and pummel his mouth with candy while blindfolded. He voluntarily joins in on a honky-tonk dance with them but only because it gives him an opportunity to check out any potential dragon feet.

Crazy, Meet “Lesbian”
Jenna has beef with free-wheeling Monica, who apparently likes to mess with the nervous, crazy types. The blogger aggressively confronts the hearty blond on why she’s there if she claims she’s not into Ben. Monica cackles in her face and then shortly thereafter cuddles with skyscraper-toothed Blakeley. The two “lovers” lay on the couch in their pageant dresses, and Monica proceeds to whisper sweet-nothings in Blakeley’s ear. “You are in my life forever…you’re beautiful…and you know that,” she coos.

Later on, Jenna confronts Monica again and demands to know why the blond doesn’t like her. “I don’t know you,” Monica says with a mocking smile. She continues: “Don’t make it something that it’s not…you’re a girl, you’re here. We’re on the same terms.”

But instead of chillaxing, Jenna ups the ante by going Tampax on her. “Yeah, maybe we can share a tampon some time,” she bites back. Astounded by her remark, Monica chuckles and simply walks away. Jenna cries and runs to the bathroom to have a massive freak-fest meltdown. Before she gets there, Chris Harrison dives in like an invisible ninja and removes all the razor blades from the medicine cabinet…

First Impression Rose Goes to…
Horse-lady Lindzi C. for her memorable entrance and her genuine good-natured self. Gravel voices are kinda cool.

Best Effort of the Night
Trying his darndest not to behave like his sappy, earnest Bachelor predecessors, Ben wins a Pabst Blue Ribbon for going the anti-cheeseball route. But he still reminds us of the Geico Caveman…and he totally acts like he’s a Canuck.

And the Roses Go to:
Jamie, Rachel, Blakeley, Emily, Kacie B., Casey S., Brittney, Erika, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elise, Samantha, Courtney, Jaclyn, Monica, and Jenna(?!).

Highlights From This Season
Mountains! Beaches! Molesting sharks! Frenching! Stripper straddling! Girl fights! Mystery ex-gf walks in with killer Stair Climber legs! Mega perms! Buck-naked swimming! Panic attacks in pageant gowns! A girl having second thoughts?!

If you’re enjoying my “Bachelor” coverage and would like to follow my other musings, please feel free to like my new Facebook page!

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