‘RHOBH’: Brandi Over Medicates in Hawaii, Taylor Leaves Russell

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo)

Last night’s return of  “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” continued where the latest drama ended: at Kyle’s marshmallow land white party. Despite all of the hubbub that Taylor and Russell’s epic dis-invite stirred up, our hearts did feel some peace at knowing that Kyle and Mauricio invited Fatburger back to their annual event.

But the party didn’t end there! Days later, the filthy rich gang decided to take off to Hawaii for one last lavish hurrah for Maurcio’s birthday. From there it ended up being Brandi’s Xanax and bikini party, which as a whole involved lots of tipsiness, cleavage, flirting, “truck driver’s mouth,” and a barely-there bikini.

But at long last, Taylor stole the show right at the final moment with her big announcement via Lisa’s Blackberry that she was leaving Russell.

Check out the sequence of events that made this episode a major case of Paradise Lost:

Let’s start out by saying: Awkward limo ride home. As Russell and Taylor leave the white party, Russell tries to turn the sour mood into honeymoon bliss when he suggests he and Tay-Tay party it up in Vegas; she just pooches her lips. Soon after, she tells him that he shouldn’t have sent the threatening email to Camille but still claims her cement-faced friend exaggerated. Russell takes it even further by saying Camille outright lied, but Taylor tells the cameras her true feelings by raising her eyebrows. “It was not a lie,” she says in a voice over.

Meanwhile, the ladies are back at the party scream-talking about what just went down, reiterating their confusion, and secretly enjoying hearing themselves talk. “We all want to support Taylor; we all want to believe she’s telling the truth, but nobody in this room knows that! And I’m not defending Russell because God forbid he did do something, but what if God forbid he didn’t?!” howls Kyle. Dana defends Taylor saying she believes she’s telling the truth…but nobody cares about her opinion.

Although the Taylor-Russell saga was a nice distraction, the attention turns back to fumbling Kim and her new beau Ken, who’s desperately hunting for her on the dance floor while shoving his entire fist in his mouth in search of something stuck in his teeth. So sexy. When he finally finds her, the two bust-a-move under the pink lights, and Kyle looks over while her face turns green. “I think she’s full of it,” says Kyle to the cameras.

Days later, the gang—sans Tay-Tay and Russell and Dana—are all at the airport waiting for a plane to fly out to Hawaii. Of course, Kim is also a no-show but not for the usual self-medicated reasons, but rather, her license is expired and she can’t seem to find her passport. Kyle considers adopting Brandi as her new sis.

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Taylor goes to her therapist alone and tells him the fiasco that went down at Kyle’s white party. Annoyed that the couple didn’t discuss their problems but instead avoided talking about it for the rest of the night, the therapist seems to encourage her to leave Russell so much so that we almost envision him with pom poms. Tay admits that Russell’s email to Camille was bullying on his part, and she gets teary-eyed realizing what she must do.

Back in Paradise, Brandi’s fear of flying causes her to down some Xanax, and she’s high on life for the rest of the day—and that includes her naughty mouth. On the bus ride over to their hotel, she starts blurting out that Ken and Lisa don’t seem to get any action and then proceeds to talk about “c–ks” and “douchebags.” She adds that although she’s trying to set Camille up with this hot guy she knows, he unfortunately wants to buy a red Ferrari, which to her translates as him having a small package. Adrienne interjects, saying that her brother has a red Ferrari and he’s in no way small…and we just try to pretend we didn’t hear that last part since we’re not sure why Adrienne would have the 4-1-1 on her grown bro’s endowments.

Later that night, the crew all meet up in Kyle’s suite and tipsy Brandi (along with her set of bulging twins) decide to flirt with Lisa’s hubby Ken since his hair and low buttoned-down shirt remind her of her Duran Duran days. “Bloody hell, I’m gonna have to put out tonight,” laughs a half-annoyed Lisa. Brandi ends the night by saying that the other Ken (Kim’s boyfriend) looks like a “gay bull mastiff.” The ladies scoff at her, thinking her comment is totally inappropriate and offensive to gay bull mastiffs.

The next morning, after Brandi and Camille finish their porn poses as they lay out on the sun and get sprayed with cold water by a Hawaiian attendee, Lisa and Ken meet up with them and are shocked by how teensie Brandi’s bikini is. Lisa simply calls it “butt floss.”

As everyone waddles out to the beach where Kyle and Mauricio are lounging about, Kyle confides to Lisa that Kim’s continued delay is just ridiculous. But before they can continue ragging on the loopy gal and her gay bull mastiff boyfriend, ring! ring! ring! Tay calls her lordship Lisa, and the Brit puts her on speakerphone for all to hear. “My marriage is over,” Taylor declares. Lisa’s false eyelashes almost fall out. “There will be no fighting; the locks will be changed,” the skinny blond continues. “Honest to God…I feel so at peace.”

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