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Llan(d)view of Psychos
The great Statesville prison break of 2012 is an awesome way to kick off the final nine episodes of “One Life To Live.” Only nine more episodes? Gosh, that’s got to be a mistake. How can a tense umbrella suspense storyline kick off as the show is winding down? Yes, a lot of characters already have their happy endings. Rex (John Paul Lavoisier) and Gigi (Farah Fath) are married. Clint (Jerry VerDorn) and Vicki (Erika Slezak) have reunited. Jack (Andrew Trischetta) was held legally accountable for his crimes, even as he was absolved of murder. But there are still so many shoes to drop: Blair (Kassie DePaiva) does not know that Todd (Roger Howarth) framed Tomas (Ted King). Todd is convinced he killed Victor, which better not be true. John (Michael Easton) and Natalie (Melissa Archer) need to have five free minutes to have a conversation and get back together. There needs to be some sort of farewell. How is it all going to happen? This feels like a show with decades of material left. I suspect I will need to check myself into St. Ann’s after the finale on January 13th.
The prison break was a chance for Llanview’s most notorious psychos and the objects of their obsessions to reunite. The writers cleverly gave each pairing a unique dynamic. Cole was desperate and needy as he pleaded with Starr to see their child. Van Hughes did a good job as a last minute replacement for Brandon Buddy, making him both sympathetic and a little creepy. Alderson was terrific as a young woman realizing she was really, truly over her first love. The twist that Cole’s true goal was to reunite with Patrick and Marty, not run away with Starr and Hope was poignant. I hope he succeeds. Ironically, had he not hidden from Todd and Blair when they entered the La Boule living room, Todd could have told him that he witnessed Marty and Patrick’s reunion, and that he was held in the Undisclosed Location with him. Todd is the last person who would turn in an escaped convict given how many times he has busted out of prison.
Troy (Ty Treadway) was delusional and still madly in love with Nora, (Hillary Smith) who wisely played along and pretended she was totally wiling to leave Bo for him, even as the “Bo and Nora 4eva” license plate in the background argued against that happening. (Nice touch, OLTL set decorators!) Nora has been held hostage by so many mad men that she could write a best selling book about surviving hostage situations.
Best of all was Mitch (Roscoe Born) facing down Natalie. This was a showdown of equals. OLTL’s most evil, most indestructible and scariest villain versus the toughest broad in Llanview (with the possible exceptions of Blair and Tea.) Natalie was not scared. She was angry. When Mitch dared to bring up his murder of her best (IMHO) love interest Jared, she grabbed him by the throat and jumped him. If he had not gotten his hands on a gun, I think Natalie would have won the fight. Having had the pleasure of meeting Roscoe Born, let’s just say the NBA was not one of his career options. Then Clint got to defend both of his daughter’s honor, not letting his transplanted heart stop him from cowboying up, telling him in no uncertain terms that neither DNA nor retcons will stop him from letting Mitch claim Jessica as his daughter. Though Mitch’s crack about it being the one accurate DNA test in the show’s history was hilarious. I’m betting on Vicki showing up to finally get the drop on Mitch.
Hope On The Rocks, No Salt
I spent New Year’s Eve at a Mexican restaurant that featured an open bar with a wide array of flavored margaritas. Oh, it was a good time. But when I watched Monday’s episode of “The Bold & the Beautiful” I felt shortchanged. The restaurant had pomegranate and almond margaritas, but I was not offered a glass of Hope. Yes, in one of the cheesiest special effects ever on a non-“Passions” soap, Liam (Scott Clifton) fantasized that a mini-Hope (Kim Matula) nwas floating in his margarita glass. Wow, now I am really rooting for the two of them to be together! Liam wants to swallow her! She is truly intoxicating!
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Wow,that was weird. I guess we’re supposed to now accept that Liam and Hope are meant to be and would be living happily ever after were they not cruelly separated by the scheming, evil Steffy (Jacqueline Wood) and Thomas (Adam Gregory). Never mind that Hope chose to break up with Liam without explaining that she saw him kissing Steffy — which was admittedly as a result of Steffy’s scheming, but she didn’t put a gun to his head, just took advantage of Hope’s frequent absences and pro-abstinence stance. Never mind that Thomas started pursuing Hope after Liam and Steffy hot married. That bastard, deciding he wanted to date his completely single step-sister! Which is not at all an issue on B&B! Thomas’s fiendish scheme: be nice to Hope, not pressure her for sex, propose to her after dating for approximately three weeks, be understanding when Hope rejects him, not stop Hope from drinking tequila of her own free will, resulting in her giggling and doing cartwheels on the beach. Steffy and Thomas’s whole evil scheme is to keep Liam and Hope from realizing they are all at the same resort. Because seeing each other in Mexico is completely different from seeing each other in Los Angeles — which they do pretty much every day. The hell?
However the pay off was every bit as funny as the Hopearita: everyone chasing each other down the beach on ATVs while a befuddled mariachi band leader reported the events to Bill. Why were they all chasing each other when Hope and Liam, having seen each other, could easily just get off the ATVs and wait for each other in the lobby or in each other’s rooms? It’s B&B. Stop thinking so much. Just accept that Hope and Liam ran into each other’s arms and kissed, so that now Hope the virgin is also Hope the mistress. It’s a beautiful love story, okay?