‘Bachelor’: Mean Girls Stir Up Trouble in Whine Country

The Bachelor (ABC)

Boring Benji got a hair-raising jolt of excitement on last night’s “Bachelor” when he discovered girl-on-girl hatin’ was already in full effect!

Although he had assumed bringing 18 ladies to his hometown of Sonoma Valley would be a peaceful grape-plucking experience for all, a sexually aggressive set of horse dentures (a.k.a. Blakeley) and an unnerving two-faced narcissist (a.k.a. Courtney) began to unleash their negative energy and taint the rest of the princesses’ dreamy hopes of scoring wifey points with their beloved Prince Ben-ja-boo!

Twirling Around Town
Ben chooses giggly Kacie B. (and her killah bedroom eyeballs!) as his first date! They go to the local town and play the piano together and buy Kermit lunch boxes at a toy store. Kacie runs back to the store and purchases a mystery gift—tada!—it’s a rundown used baton! She tells Ben she used to be a baton twirler when she was a kid and shows him her twirling skills. Womp womp.

The duo go to dinner and discuss how they’re both hopeless romantics. As we observe more of Kacie B., the more we realize she has an uncanny ability to contort her mouth in interesting shapes, along with the unfortunate curse of sounding less and less intelligent. But Ben-diddy is whipped! At the sight of her snaggle tooth, he gives her the covetous rose.

They walk over to a theatre, and he surprises her with something way too intimate and cheesebally for a first date: home videos of the two of them when they were both babies. The two laugh when they see Ben’s baby bum—before it had hair—but when Ben sees and hears his father, he gets teary-eyed. To distract and cheer him up, Chris Harrison pops up a row behind them and whisper screams to Kacie to get-tuh twirlin’!

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Performances That Deserve the Slow Clap
Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nikki, and Jaclyn are summoned on a group date with Ben-ji-licious.

To show that he’s ready to copulate and be a good-natured family man, Ben forces the girls to perform with him in a play written by the local elementary and middle school kids. The lil playwrights get the ladies to audition and ask them to do really unsexy things like snort like a piggie, sneer like a weasel, and act like a knuckle-dragging orangutan.

Once the ladies hop into their ginormous animal costumes, locals enter the theatre to watch the performance, aptly entitled “Prince Pinot of Bachelorville.” In the middle of the play, Ben strips off his sheep costume to show his man breasts and six pack, and everyone—especially the husbands—scream with delight!

In the evening, Ben brings the gang back to their Sonoma mansion to drink, eat, and tittle-tattle, but the gals waste no time in vying for the rose! Blakeley vocalizes how much she wants it and puts enough white powder underneath her eyes to scare the girls so she can steal Ben for a spell! She takes him to the swimming pool, and they lasciviously exchange saliva: It becomes the ultimate skyscraper-to-skyscraper toothed showdown!

The rest of the ladies snarl in disgust and call Blakeley “Fakely Blakeley,” but apparently, Ben and Ben Jr. are believers! To the ladies’ horror, Ben hands Blakeley the rose!

Strike a Pose…More Like Strike a Poser
Right after Courtney unnerves some of the ladies with her underhanded I’m-hotter-than-you comments, Ben zooms off with her to the redwood forests for his second individual date.

But he’s not alone! He brings his Jack Russell Terrier named Scotch. As the trio walk through the forests, Scotch attempts to sniff Courtney’s crotch to see if she’s worthy of his master, but she’s too tall…and he’s too short. Nonetheless, he howls for help as he senses this chick’s a bad apple.

In the evening, the couple wade through Children of the Corn crops and arrive at a beautiful dinner setting. Ben delves into his yawn-worthy past, while she poses and eats her bottom lip. When he asks what her baggage is, she tells him something generic about not finding the right lover, along with being picky and having trust issues. They kiss, and she leaves her eyes open (sign of a maneater). After much smooching, Ben’s package pulsates with passion, and he gives her the rose. “Courtney does make me think big cajones big picture,” he says.

As they continue kissing on a tree swing, Chris Harrison can be seen from a distance going ballistic as Scotch is tearing up his J. Crew pants…

Nobody Puts Blakeley in a Corner (Sike!)
Cocktail party time! Samantha, who wishes she could shove Blakeley in horse manure, tries to get one-on-one time with Ben, but Blakeley starts the night off on the wrong boob (again) by stealing him away from her! Infuriated, Sammy stomps back down to the party and incites another Blakeley verbal smackdown among the women. But the hatin’ is just getting warmed up! The ladies’ get their thongs up in a bunch when they see the aggressive cocktail waitress repeatedly stealing Ben from other girls throughout the night!

While a tornado of doom encircles her, Ben grabs Jenna to examine the level of Fatal Attraction he’s dealing with…and his discovery makes him flare his sizable nostrils like excitable butterfly wings! As he lets her speak, all Jenna can manage to say is that she’s a lot like a man. Before she can change the transgender subject to livelier revelations—like she’s Alanis Morrisette’s long-lost twin sister—Mallard Duck Jaclyn steals Ben from her! Jenna walks straight into a bedroom, wraps herself under a Martha Stewart blanket, and chokes on her gushing tears.

Because the girls refuse to stop cursing Blakeley, the tall brunette quietly takes off into a room full of suitcases and squats in a corner pretending to cry…only, the cameramen know what she’s really doing: To cope with her anger, she’s secretly playing Angry Birds on her smartphone.

To his surprise, Ben discovers the drama and finds Blakeley in the corner. She quickly slips her phone in between her bazookas and pretends to look hurt and traumatized.

And the remaining roses go to: Jennifer, Emily, Elise, Jaclyn, Erica, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Kasey S., Samantha, Monica, Jamie, and Brittney.

As for the diaries of the departed? The notable Jenna walks up to the camera and sobs and hugs herself…the show’s psychologist sets his team in motion to charge at her with a strait jacket if she begins to shake her head and pull out her over-processed hair.

Highlights From Next Episode
San Fran! Brittney’s big announcement! Mystery ex-gf resurrects to mess with the ladies’ heads! A non-important contestant faints!

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