Last night’s “Bachelor” was full of emotional mountains and valleys as the gang took off to Park City, Utah, into the breathtaking great outdoors.
But the scenic landscape gave way to fuglified cat scratching as Courtney’s manipulative ways to snag Ben began to make eyeballs roll and jealous tempers boil—most notably from epidemiologist Emily. (And let’s just say she got enough angry material for a second gangsta rap to be well underway!)
Check out how things got dirty right quick:
For his first individual date, Ben takes Rachel on a canoe and picnic date in the mountains! He paddles across the river, and the two blankly smile at each other as the sun sets and the mosquitoes swarm around them in a throng of celebration. After Benjina dives in for an unnatural kiss, they end up on the other side of the lake staring at each other again with nothing to say; instead of conversation, Rachel lets her diamond nose ring twinkle in the sunlight to communicate how much she likes Ben.
At dinner, the two keep staring at each other in silence until Ben tries to force Rach to open up. To distract him but at the same pretending to be vulnerable, she talks about having a rough time opening up while not having to actually open up. Ben falls for it while admiring her bangs and then gives her the rose. They go outside and roast marshmallows and burn their tongues, which gives Rachel another excuse for not talking to him.
Watch Monday’s Episode:
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Something Smells Fishy
Jamie, Kasey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney are summoned by Sir Ben-ja-lot to accompany him on a group date.
Riding on a horse and letting the wind flow through his extra-conditioned hair, Ben reminds the girls of a hunk on the cover of a trashy romantic novel…while I think he simply looks like Melissa Rivers with shorter hair.
They all jump on horses and ride over to their next activity: fly fishing! The girls are forced to wear the appropriate baggy attire, albeit looking like long lost members of the 90s hip hop group Bell Biv Devoe.
As the rest of the girls dumbly focus on catching fish, strategizing Court shimmies her way into getting alone time with Ben. Lindzi notices the two going off together and decides to infiltrate their good time, which forces the lip-eating brunette to resort to Plan B.
When no one’s looking, Courtney gives a quick wink, and from a distance, we see Chris Harrison giving her a thumbs up while releasing fish in her vicinity. Moments later, she exclaims she’s caught a fishie! Lindzi looks on with disappointment and proceeds to hide her face in her hair like she always does. Ben frolics to help Court with her catch, while the girls decide how they might be able to smash the fish in her face later on.
Wittle Samantha Gets a Permanent Time Out
At dinner Ben wears flip flops. I repeat: Ben wears flip flops. And coincidentally, the girls lose their appetite at the same time.
Nicki tells Ben how thankful she is about being on group dates. Moments later, Samantha interrupts the two and complains about being on group dates and not on any one-on-ones. Turned off by her juvenile tantrum, Ben decides to talk to her like a baby since she’s acting like one. He tells her that she’s been super emotional on all the group outings and that he questions her motivations. As she sits there stunned (looking like SNL’s Cherry Oteri), he reams into her and says he continues putting her on group dates because her actions seem like she’s not taking the process seriously and that he’s watching her like a hawk. Suddenly, The Hawk decides she’s gotta go. He kicks her to the curb, and she’s forced to leave!
Ben takes Courtney aside, and she essentially reiterates Samantha’s message: She’s not feeling special. Immediately, Ben’s package droops in dismay, and instead of telling her to hit the road like he did with Sam-Sam, he quickly offers her the rose. The girls go cross-eyed in disbelief, and Blakeley’s teeth fall out.
Falling in the Deep
Ben asks Jennifer (a.k.a. The Best Kisser in Da House) to be his second one-on-one date. He takes her to a deep crater full of water and tells her they are going to drop into it in search of a shortcut to China.
Shivering, Jen repels down with Ben, and because he secretly needs to go to the bathroom, he decides to unhook the rope asap—SPLASH! They fall into the water. As they backstroke side by side, Jen feels something warm on the side of her body but tells herself it’s just a warm current. (Ben’s eyes nervously dart side to side.) As a distraction, he makes out with her, and they doggie paddle with joy.
At dinner their convo gets interrupted by a major downpour, and they reluctantly flee from their carnivorous plates of Filet Mignon. Regardless, Ben gives her the rose and then takes her to a Clay Walker concert. She laughs all night long, and Ben dances with her…wishing he were prancing around with Courtney…
Cocktail time! Among all the girls, Emily becomes most annoyed with Courtney’s hypocrisy and wants to warn Ben. Without thinking it through, Em tells Ben that Court is bad news. He flares his nostrils in denial and warns her not to focus on other people.
She goes back inside with her tail between her legs but continues to confide in the girls that Courtney is Satan with long-haired eyebrows.
Kasey S., who apparently is the only worshipper of the model, goes off and tells her about Emily’s gripes and how she talked to Ben about her fake ways. Courtney freaks out and shows her anger by contorting her mouth east and west and sucking on her own lips like a baby’s binkie.
“I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows in the middle of the night,” says Courtney to Kasey S.
Later on that night, Courtney decides to get under Em’s skin. She chuckles at her and then attacks her in front of the other girls. Emily shoots back saying she’s acting like a child, but Court retorts that she’s the child and that it was in bad taste to have talked smack about her to Ben. “Winning!” exclaims Courtney as she walks away. Emily runs off to cry out her inner nerd, fearing that Benji-vicious will wipe her out like antibacterial gel does to a germ!
Bi-licious Goes Home
In the end, Ben scares Emily by giving her the final rose but gives Monica the boot. The Peg Bundy look-alike kisses him goodbye but not before telling him to slap a wet one on Blakeley for her.
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Highlights From Next Episode
Puerto Rico! Emily and Courtney go at it again! Courtney takes Ben skinny-dipping in the middle of the night so they could compare who’s got the bigger manhood! Whaat?!!!
A FAREWELL NOTE:
I just wanted to send out a heartfelt thank you to those of you who’ve supported my crazy takes on various reality TV shows over the past couple years at XfinityTV. Your kind words and laughter have meant the world to me, and every sleep deprivation headache I’ve gotten was absolutely worth it!
Unfortunately, this will be my final recap of the “Bachelor” for XfinityTV since I’ve decided to take an editorial position at another company—but I’ll still be writing! Feel free to “like” me on Facebook so we can continue to ride on the same pop culture crazy train together. – eudie