Too many months have passed since we last heard the nasally, slow-talking upward inflections of our favorite controversial reality family, so Sunday night’s premiere of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” offered us a lovely reminder of where we left off and how much has changed since then.
Aside from Kim’s big “heart fart” with her impending divorce from The Humphinator, we learn that Kourt is preggars and having a girl, Rob is using up his “Dancing With the Stars” money to buy a new house and embark on a schnazztastic sock line (?!), Bruce is feeling even more neglected than usual, and Scott is looking like a semi-pedophile with what we think is his attempt at a five o’clock shadow.
But the biggest whammy is momager Kris’ obsession that Khloe take a paternity test to quell the tabloid attacks that question whether the late Robert Kardashian is really her biological father. (We won’t focus too much on the fact that Kris wants to clear her reputation as well—we’ll let Khloe do that)…
When Kris calls Khlo and broaches the subject on taking a DNA test, Khloe hangs up on her. But that doesn’t stop Kris from calling a DNA specialist. When she tells the rest of the fam (sans Khloe) her determination to swab their cheeks and put a kibosh on the paternity ordeal, Kourt hesitates to participate, and Bruce spits out bits of his burger in protest.
A few days later, after their big family dinner, Kris tries to convince Khloe about getting the saliva swabbed out of her—and even has Mr. DNA Specialist at the door—but she disses Kris and marches straight over to the kitchen to stuff her face with dessert. “It’s not about me. It’s about mom,” Khloe says to Kim and Kourt. At hearing this, Kris cries, while the DNA specialist starts seething with anger that he brought his best Q-tips with him in vain.
“I wish Khloe could let me prove to her that Robert Kardashian is her biological father, not only for her, but for me, too, because it really feels lousy when your children might doubt you,” Kris reveals to the camera in tears.
In an effort to avoid Khloe from dissing her like she usually does, Kris pleas one last time through a letter she wrote and hand delivers it. But Khloe just smirks and tosses it aside. “Just read the damn letter!” Kris screams as she darts to the bar to down some wine. Khloe eventually reads the letter, and despite Kris asking her to take the test, she refuses—but in the nicest way possible, which is a miracle.
“Let’s just let bygones be bygones,” she said smiling to Kris. “I’m an Odom anyway; I’m not a Kardashian anymore, so let’s move on.”
“I’m over it, too…the whole thing is making me tired,” says Kris sighing.
“I don’t have a doubt about who my family is,” Khloe later tells the camera (wearing hideous fuschia lipstick). “I have had a blessing of having two phenomenal fathers, and I don’t need a DNA test to prove that to me.”
And the bad publicity continues…
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