‘Bachelorette’ Recap: It’s Not All Paradise in Bermuda

The Bachelorette (ABC)

As the competition gets stiffer on the “Bachelorette,” the boys began to let their egos explode into tropical storms while in Bermuda! Ryan revealed he’s into Emily just for the love of the game, Doug showed that his temper is more ginormous than his torso, and Arie’s loquaciousness just made us feel he must have bad breath more often than not.

As for the other guys, it appears that Emily’s got a bad case of inexperienced, whiny crybabies, and she actually did a good job throughout the episode of weeding them out.

But let’s talk details, people…

Mommy and Daughter Time
It’s the start of Emily and Ricki’s international travel! The cameras document mother and daughter frolicking on the beach, playing golf, and Emily swinging Ricki round and round in circles until the little girl’s face turns green. As Ricki pukes into a conch in the distance, Emily rubs her belly in the hopes of being impregnated soon by one of her suitors.

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Perfectly Angry
Doug and his biceps get the first one-on-one date. As the boys sit around the luxury suite showing off their skankles (skinny ankles), some of the guys begin to poke fun at Doug’s nervousness. Quick to anger since he forgot to take his daily dose of ‘roids, Doug lashes out at them and almost maniacally eats Arie’s crooked nose as an afternoon snack. But thankfully, Emily enters the room just in time and whisks Dougie-doo away to do some shopping in town.

After getting high on perfumes at a local perfumery, the two sit down and let the turbulent Bermuda wind whip their hair up into mega fros, while Doug finds a great opportunity to brag yet again about being such a humble dad and human being.

At dinner Emily gets sick of Doug acting like he’s so perfect, so she pries into him and tries to confess her own faults, like how she’s actually a synthetic robot and can only express herself as if her face is more Botox’d than Dolly Parton’s. But because he won’t crack, she stays intrigued and gives him the rose.

Not For Sail
For the group date, the guys are split into two teams for some competitive sailing! The red team immediately begins talking smack at the yellow team, but karma gets the best of them, and the yellow team moves ahead! But you can’t count Ole Big Red out as they turn the corner and zoom in front! However, thanks to Jef’s massive bush of James Dean hair and Ryan’s porcupine mullet, the yellow team catches more wind power and wins! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! They get special time with Emily, while the losing red team is forced to return to the hotel and clean their dirty, sweaty man thongs.

At dinner, Emily and the yellow team snack on gourmet Ritz crackers for dinner. With a pride that only a fat-necked meathead can have, Ryan gives a toast and calls her a trophy wife, which makes Emmy-cakes seethe with rage. After she finishes making out with John Travolta Arie, Jef takes her to the beach and surrounds her with citronella candles. He offers her the most romantic nerd-speak he can think of, and she salivates for his tongue. But! Because he’s an epic nerd, he shies away and doesn’t make the first move.

At the end of the get together, though, Em still gives the rose to Jef due to her gratitude of him not being Ryan. Fireworks explode in the night sky as a symbol of what’s exploding in the guys’ pants.

John and Nate, two bachelors we didn’t know exist but have the same-sized foreheads due to their receding hairlines, are chosen to be on the odious two-on-date. John makes a toast to his and Nate’s similar inability to loosen up.

At night the threesome walk into a cave to have dinner. The guys don’t appreciate the deafening silence of their natural setting since Emily will be guaranteed to hear their quiet post-dinner belches and nether-region belches. Because everyone’s so uncomfortable, they all down as many drinks as possible before she gets some one-on-one time with each guy.

To convince Emily he should stay, Nate talks about giving her beautiful recessive embryos but then quickly begins to cry like a girl when he mentions his wonderful family. When Emily talks to John, she becomes attracted to his confidence, which helps her overlook his helium voice.

Since she can’t deal with wusses, she ends up giving John the rose and walks Nate out of the cave. When they’re out of sight, John—who’s full of wine—celebrates his victory by unleashing his bladder in the watery cave as Chris Harrison plays tribal drums in the distance.

Egos Clash During Cocktail Time
At the cocktail party, the guys without roses are freaking out because they want to continue having free rides to travel the world. After Ryan demands Emily tell him why she’s worthy of him, he ends up telling one of the guys that if it doesn’t work out with her, he’s open to being the next bachelor and promoting his new protein shakes that guarantee thicker necks or your money back!

While Emily is making sand sculptures of Ricki and her unborn children on the beach, squinty-eyed Chris pulls Doug aside to slam him for saying he’s too young and immature for Emily…(which confirms that Doug is right). Doug looks at Chris in disbelief and cracks up in his face. “You don’t get my competitive juices going at all,” Mr. Biceps says and adds that Chris needs to get over his insecurities. In a huff, the latter storms off into a room to play with his bobbleheads and suck his thumb.

End of the Road
By the end of the night, Emily boots off Charlie for being an overly sensitive Snuggle bear and Michael for wearing a ponytail of superior quality than hers.

Highlights From Next Episode
London! Nice trench coats! Someone says Ricki’s baggage! Emily expresses her anger by trying to move her face!

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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