It’s come down to the final 10 featherweights on the “Bachelorette,” and last night, Emily and the gang flew off to London to experience love across the pond! But hold onto your jockstraps! There was a bad bloke among them—oh my! And he was the self-centered kind who didn’t like the idea of playing house with a child who didn’t carry his chromosomes! Once Emily found out about this contestant’s nasty comments about her honey chile, she was ready to go “West Virginia back country” on his “luxurious” arse!
See how Emily’s robotica rage unfolded in this exciting saga over foreign lands, ya’ll!
Towhead to Towhead
After getting dressed by a stylist to look sophisticated and being taught how to use the word “iconic,” Emily meets up with blond-eyelash’d Sean, and they hop on a double-decker bus. Secretly looking at scribble on her hand, she points out various historical landmarks that the ABC interns schooled her on hours prior. The two lovebirds finally reach the gates of Buckingham Palace and proceed to suck each other’s faces off. British Albinos everywhere cheer them on.
Later, they sit in a park, and Emily grills him about being ready to be a father. Although he tries to focus on what she’s saying, Sean has a small panic attack since he forgot to put SPF 150 on his face.
Watch Emily Confront Kalon:
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After seeing British teeth all day, Emily loses her voice from screaming in terror but decides to carry forth with dinner. She takes Sean to the Tower of London and they eat in a prison because it’s a metaphor for how any man will feel after being married to her. After Emmie tries to sound educated by spouting off more historical facts about the Tower, the cameras offer close-ups of Sean’s teeth, and we realize—to our disappointment—that he’s a grinder, due to his worn down choppers. Nonetheless, Emily doesn’t notice because her ovaries are too busy jumping for joy as he tells her he’s ready to replicate his DNA. She gives him the rose, and they gnaw on each other’s tongues.
A Shakespearean Tragedy
Chris, Arie, Ryan, Dougie-Poo, Alejandro, Travis, John “Wolf” (why is his last name quoted?), and Kalon go on a group date with Emily. They arrive at William Shakespeare’s birthplace, Stratford-upon-Avon, and are forced to act out Romeo and Juliet in front of a live audience. The guys have fun with it, but Kalon acts as if Martin Scorsese is watching behind the bushes. He tells Emily to shoo since he must concentrate on his lines, and she is more turned off by his comment than when he falls into the habit of showing off his skankles (skinny ankles) at cocktail parties.
After the performance, they all grab a beer, and Kalon gives off attitude about being on another group date. The guys start talking about him and some of his past negative remarks, like Emily having a lot of “baggage” (i.e. Ricki). Doug’s biceps bulge with self-righteous fury at hearing the b-word, and he confronts Kalon, who unapologetically admits he said it, although, according to him, “baggage” is another word for “responsibility.” Doug tells Emily, and she curses at Kalon-o-klops to “get the f*ck out!” He leaves and tells the excited production intern who’s filming him in the car that he and his huge overbite came to the conclusion that being a father to a non-spawn of his wasn’t his cup of tea. Freaked out that the other guys may think the same as Kalon, Emily angrily goes back to her hotel room and refuses to give a rose out.
Watch: Jef Finally Gets His One-on-One Date:
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Big Hair Makes a Move (Finally)
The next night Emily stays on the defensive and prepares to attack Jef with a flurry of questions when the time is right. They walk into a fancy house to have afternoon tea, and an etiquette teacher corrects their every move as they simply want to eat a daggum crumpet. When the teacher walks off to the loo (she gets indigestion when she’s around Americans), they scurry off to a pub and kick back a few brewskies. To look like the better man, Jef tells Emily he stood up to Kalon, and she decides not to stick a fork in his hair. They click over to the London Eye to have dessert, and he compliments her profusely in his native-tongue of “Inexperienced Nerd-dom.” She gives him the rose. They walk to a bridge, and he prepares for his first kiss ever. He winces as her tongue dances in his mouth since he knows she’s delivering her cold virus to him.
We Knew He’d Get Kicked Off
At the cocktail party, Emily grills everyone about their loyalty to her and Ricki, whom they’ve never met before. The guys promise her they’ll definitely tattletale on the next guy who doesn’t worship her daughter, so long as they can have the privilege of squishing mommy’s cushion.
As the bell tolls, Emily decides to kick off Alejandro, who begins to cry, knowing his paid-for whirlwind tour is over. Alas, the last minority is off the show. Bloody hell!
Highlights From the Season
Croatia! A bachelor admits he’s in it for the game! Kissing in libraries! Dogs sniffing picnic baskets! Emily cries teensie tears because she’s in love with more than one dude! (In the history of the “Bachelor” franchise, we never saw that one comin’!)
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