Despite all the flirting and crying and stressing and quitting from the contenders on this week’s “Glee Project,” the most traumatized person was clearly choreographer Zach.
“It was almost as if everyone got amnesia at the same time,” he confessed to the camera, dumbstruck and dismayed.
After watching Lily repeatedly do her “wedding-dance boobie-shaker thing,” Dani and Nellie fail at any semblance of choreography, and everyone forget to sing or appear to be having fun during the video shoot, Captain Adorable seemed to be less inspired by his dancelings than ever. And considering the week’s theme was “Dance-ability,” that was particularly awful.
But let’s back up to the less bad part. Sort of.
Things got tense as soon as the theme and homework song of “We Got the Beat” were announced. Dani was freaked because dancing isn’t her thing. Then there was the Battle of Line 13, in which Mario was bullied out of singing what he wanted so that Ali could do a special wheelie thing instead. And Taryn decided she wasn’t ready for combat and left the show. This early in the game, it doesn’t feel like a shocking loss.
Still waiting for the less bad part? Well the gang managed to get it together enough to pull off what Robert deemed the best homework performance in the show’s history. I tend to bag on the quality of these assignments, but I actually agree that the result this week was about as entertaining as it could have been, all things considered.
Returning champ and guest mentor Samuel Larsen picked Abraham “Rufio” Lim as the winner based on his “extra intensity,” which is something Samuel is quite familiar with (if furrowed brows equal intensity, that is). I would have picked Aylin, but whatevs.
Sidebar: I wrote in my notes, “HE DID NOT JUST SKIDOOSH,” because I imagine if Hannah McIalwain was watching, she said the same thing aloud to her television. Have you no shame, Teen Jesus?
Anyway, the win meant a couple of unfortunate things for Abe. For one, he had to dance for Sam alone in the choir room, which was at least super awkward for me if not for them. Also, the extra time in the spotlight caused his crackerjack mind (he deferred law school to be here) to overthink his every move, which was exactly the opposite of all the advice he kept getting.
His resulting performance in the ‘Party Rock Anthem” video appeared uncomfortably calculated and led him to narrowly escape the Last Chance Rounds.
To me, Zach’s hope that video director Erik White could scrape together some decent shots for the video came true. It wasn’t very entertaining compared to past “GP” videos, nor was it remotely on the level of a “Glee” musical number. But if I’d only seen the end result and not the disastrous filming process, I probably would have thought those kids were semi-talented and having a vaguely good time.
Speaking of good times, it didn’t take long for the producers to whip out an Eff-You-Cameron episode. I lost track of all the different kissing combos in the video, but the powers that be had no qualms about putting the contenders through a seemingly lengthy game of spin the bottle. And you know what none of said contenders did? Call their mom to cry about it.
Actually, Aylin kind of did the opposite by not only making out with boys and girls for the video shoot, but also laying one on Charlie off-set just because he felt left out. That was a helluva way to let your religious mom know you’re not a kissing virgin.
So the announcement of who got called back was more about “who sucked least,” as Zach put it. Nellie and Abraham squeaked through, but Dani, Tyler, and Lily were sent to sing for Ryan.
Lily was particularly confused because she didn’t feel she’d been given notes to do anything differently, and she didn’t totally get the continuity-on-camera process. That’s fair, considering this show’s tendency to expect people with virtually no film experience to know how to act on camera.
Still, she quickly learned to shut up and nod as if she got it. Ryan seemed nervous about her argumentative nature, but her ballsy performance of “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” saved her this time.
PS, does Ryan Murphy ever not wear a hat? Until he shows up without one, he cannot prove he’s not hiding Voldemort’s face under there. Just saying.
It was Tyler’s second week in the bottom, leading me to wonder if he’s this year’s Damian. Are early congrats in order? He got slammed—again—for being safe and not letting loose in his body. But his Last Chance Performance of “Daniel” was so much better than last week’s that they had to keep him.
That means Dani got the boot, making me 0-2 on my predicted favorites. She just couldn’t shake that hyper-chill persona in the video, no matter how awesome her vocal stylings are.
This is why the casting process should include more monologues and acting challenges! Of course the coffee-house singers are struggling. They need to be seeking record contracts, not television ones.
Next week is the expose-your-weaknesses extravaganza that is Vulnerability Week. Bring your hanky.