Could anyone really keep up with the attempted exorcism on last night’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey”? Indeed, amid all of the “Hey, youse, tell me the truthies!” and “Youse a hypocrite!,” the broader lesson seemed to be: Never get too close to someone whose intellectual and emotional intelligence is in zygote form, while yours may be on the more advanced fetus level. (Depending if you’re on Team Tre or Team Jacqueline and Caroline, you designate who’s the zygote and who’s the fetus.)
Alas, super emotional Jacqueline invited the Bankruptcy Tabloid Queen over to get a double dose of whoop arse from her and Mother-Hen-and-Hater-of-All-Cookbooks Caroline, hoping that a smidge of clarity, honesty, and humanity might still be in her system. Fools! The result? It was like watching an infant throw up on herself and in her Louis Vuitton handbag.
Check out how all hell broke loose…
Not knowing what the truth is, Jacqueline confronts Teresa about the crazy tabloid allegations of her possibly going to jail. “There’s nothing going on!” exclaims Tre. Not satisfied, Jacqueline mentions how Teresa gets paid by the tabloids to spread lies, but the latter quickly denies she gets compensated for selling stories (even though she told Jacqueline in the past that she indeed does)!
As the sun goes down, Tre’s fangs pop out and so do her unrelenting brain farts, referring to Jacqueline’s emotional instability as “Hekyll and Jyde.”
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Apparently, Jacqueline’s “Jyde” was in top form tonight, baby! She angrily brings up the fact that Tre has been in contact with Danielle Staub in order to get back at Melissa, who allegedly told the Staubgoblin a couple years back that Tre didn’t come to see her and Joe’s little son Gino at the hospital when he was born. At hearing Melissa’s name being brought up, Tre ignites into meatball fury, howling that Melissa’s jealousy over Tre’s success was beyond her control!
“Why are you screaming?” calmly asks Caroline, who saunters onto the deck, claiming she came by “to drop off some clothes” (a.k.a. “I came to pull out the cannolis out of Teresa’s badonka donk and shove it in her pie hole.”)
“I feel ambushed,” says Tre.
And so the ambush commences: Caroline slams Tre for slandering her in the tabloids, as well as in her cookbook. “You’re holding a grudge from the cookbook!” accuses Tre, but Caroline counters she learned from the Master of Grudges. “I have been a friend to you, and you have never been a friend to me!” the Red-headed Cluckmeister shouts. The two begins to bark at each other viciously, and for once, Jacqueline—who’s trying to get a word in—screams for the two of them to shut up!
“For my health, I’m going to distance myself from you and your family,” Jacqueline concludes to Tre. Instead of tearing off her face with her mouth, Teresa decides to give Jacqueline the kiss of death and drags her knuckles quickly over to her SUV.
“There are evil people out there, and sometimes they come in the shape of your friends,” Teresa says to the camera.
Where’s a mirror when you need one?
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