‘True Blood’: The Five Sexiest Twists of Episode Three

True Blood (HBO)

Sunday night’s episode of “True Blood” was the onewhere everyone has sex. No, wait that’s every episode of “True Blood.” This week the sex has deep, psychological meaning that propels the plot. This is  awesome when the sex involves Eric and considerably less appealing when Andy is the one making sweet, sweet love.

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Bill and Eric’s Sexy Interrogation

Roman (Chris Meloni) consults with his chancellors about whether he should accept Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Eric’s (Alexander Skarsgard) offer to track down Russell or sentence them to the True Death. There wouldn’t be much of a series without Bill and Eric, so there’s little suspense in this situation. Fortunately, there is a lot of nudity. First, Bill and Eric must take off their shirts so they can be fitted with what looks like an S&M harness that is actually a monitor that will allow the Authority to instantly stake them via an app if they step out of line. Then Salome (Valentina Cervi)  investigates whether Bill and Eric are sincere or undercover Sanguinistas. Her methods involve seducing both of them. She is the actual Salome from the Bible, though she presents a revisionist spin on her temptress reputation, claiming to Bill that, “The human Bible is little better than Us Weekly.” She reveals to Eric that she knows he is Nora’s brother before they get naked. Meanwhile, Nora (Lucy Griffiths)  is tortured by Rosalyn (Carolyn Hennesy) until she falsely claims to be a Sanguinista so she can protect Eric. Salome, who really hates wearing clothes, tells Roman that neither Bill nor Eric is a Sanguinista while the guys come to the uncomfortable realization that they have once again slept with the same woman.  At this point, they might as well have sex with each other, since they’re swapping so many germs.

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Bill and Eric and Pam Have A Sexy Backstory

Pam (Kristin Bauer)  has more flashbacks to 1905. Eric visits her brothel and insists on having sex with her, not one of her prostitutes. The man has always had good taste. Pam’s asking price is that he stop the vampires who have been draining her girls. Holy plot twist, it’s Bill and Lorena. This is how Bill and Eric met. Eric decides to spare young Bill’s life since it was not his fault that his maker has not properly trained him. This explains so much about Bill, Eric and Pam’s relationships. It is the definite highlight of the episode. There should be a spin off about Pam’s Pleasure Palace. A grateful Pam has sex with Eric and enjoys it so much that she asks him to turn her. He refuses, citing the responsibilities of being a maker. Pam shares that her life as an aging madam would be worse than death, then slits her wrists so he has to turn her to save her.

Jason Decides He Hates Casual Sex, While Hoyt Seeks It Out on Crazy, Opposite Day

Jason (Ryan Kwanten) runs into his former high school teacher at the grocery store. They had a Mary Kay Le Tourneau type relationship, which she feels guilty about, but he remembers fondly. They have sex again, and Jason freaks out and realizes that their relationship was abusive and created a void within him that he has been trying to fill with sex ever since. In other words, she turned him just like  Eric turned Pam. It’s an interesting, timely twist, but a show with vampire hookers may not be the best venue for a realistic exploration of how an abusive relationship as a teen impacts a man’s adult life. Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll)  smells Claude the fairy and is instantly hot for him, but when he disappears into fairyland , she decides to visit her friend with benefits, Jason. He no longer wants to have sex with her because of his epiphany about his teacher. She offers a platonic friendship, but he isn’t sure he is capable of being friends with a woman, Meanwhile Hoyt (Jim Parrack) buys out the Bon Temps mall’s Hot Topic and goes to Fangtasia in search of some vampire action.

Alcide Temporarily(?) Loses His Desire to Have Sex With Sookie

When Andy (Chris Bauer) tells Ma and Pa Pelt that Debbie’s car turned up, they confront Alcide (Joe Manganiello)  who reveals that he broke up with her and has not seen her since. Sookie (Anna Paquin)  lies to Andy that she has not seen her in a week. Alcide drops by Merlotte’s to tell Sookie that Debbie disappeared and realizes she is hiding something from him. Their conversation is interrupted by vampire Tara (Rutina Wesley) screaming from the refrigerator. Sookie has no choice but to admit to Alcide that she killed Debbie. He is justifiably furious that she planned to keep it for him forever, after all the times he has gone out on a limb for her. Sookie is going to regret treating him as an afterthought when she goes to see “Magic Mike.”

Andy Has An Internet Sex Scandal. No, Really

Holly’s kids upload a naked photo of Andy to Facebook. He feels as violated as Jason, as does the audience who has to look at a photo of his butt. He is able to laugh it off and asks Holly to be his girlfriend. She accepts because a mom with such awful kids has few dating options.

Non-Sex News: Steve Gets a New Job, Tara Tans, Terry Travels, Lafayette Creates a New Recipe

Roman hires Steve Newlin as the Authority’s new spokesperson because of ties to the religious right. Tara attempts to off herself by lying in a tanning bed, which triggers Pam’s maker instincts. Terry tells Arlene that he is leaving town for an indefinite length of time with Patrick. When Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis)  get annoyed with Arlene, his bruja face comes out and he pours bleach into a pot of gumbo. Fortunately, he snaps out of it and pours the Clorox soup down the drain before anyone eats it.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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