‘Bachelorette’ Recap: Arie Keeps a ‘Secret,’ Chris Begs to Be Included in Emily’s Heart

Emily Maynard on The Bachelorette (ABC)

On Monday night’s “Bachelorette,” Emily took her six remaining boys to Prague and showed off her narrating skills by speaking in choppy, simple sentences! Although her three planned one-on-one dates had no roses attached, she did end up giving a rose on her group date and surprised us all by making out with one Nordic gentleman profusely and slaughtering one man’s orphaned heart before the rose ceremony!

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Let’s see what adventures her overbite brought this time….

The Whole Truth & Nothing But the Truth
After shaving his entire face, legs, and in between dark cracks that we will not speak of, Arie takes off with Emily as the first one-on-one date. The seething blonde acts like it’s just another make-out opportunity with Arie, but she secretly knows something about him that he hasn’t told her: He dated one of the producers of the show years ago for like, five seconds!

“What the f*ck else is he hiding? He’s a good actor,” Emily angrily confesses to the actual producer Arie dated, who tells Em the few dates they had been on were so long ago and meant absolutely nothing. But Emily refuses to listen and tells the producer she feels like an “idiot.”

Watch Emily Confront the Producer:

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As she and Arie drink brewskies, Emily asks him sneakily if he’s a trustworthy person and belabors the point of needing a man who’s open about EVERYTHING. She stares at him intensely, and beads of sweat trickle down his crooked schnoz. As his mind races on what to confess, images flash through his mind of his most embarrassing secrets: that he enjoys smelling used floss, that he cries profusely every time he watches “The Notebook,” and that he sometimes wishes he was John Travolta’s masseuse. But alas! He simply blurts out that he has a tattoo of a former girlfriend’s name surrounding his areola!

Although we don’t get to see the ultimate standoff, according to Chris Harrison, Emily confronts him about his 1.5 dates with the producer, and the three of them—Emily, Arie, and the producer—hash it out together. In the end, Emily realizes she’s being a drama queen over nothing and goes off to dinner with Arie. He tells her he loves her, and they exchange halitosis. Because the ABC crew has run out of ideas, fireworks fill the night sky for the thousandth time, and the ozone depletes just a little more.

Hitting a Wall
In the mood to go on a one-on-one date with someone who sounds like a castrated choir boy, Emily takes John “Wolf” out for the day. He wears his fave L.L. Bean sweater that makes him look like a grandpa, and they visit lots of walls as a symbol of where their relationship is heading.

At dinner the two walk into a dungeon and John reveals his last girlfriend cheated on him, which in turn, contributed to his receding hairline. Feeling more sorry for him than she did before, Emily makes out with him as he whimpers like a girl.

John returns and tells the guys the date was a “10.” This compels Sean to run outside and search for Emily to hit her up with some lip-locking Mortal Kombat! The Texan albino screams her name in the empty, quiet cobblestone streets, and suddenly, cabbage is thrown at his head. The camera crew cracks up as he goes nuts trying to find her. Once he sees her playing hopscotch by herself, he starts talking to her in a way that makes it sound like he has a lot of saliva in his mouth. They inhale each other’s faces ferociously. “I think he would be a great husband,” Emily says with a twinkle in her eyes as she rubs her lonely, screaming womb.

Castle of Doom
Sean, Doug, and Chris go on the undesirable, lame group date. They hop into a horse carriage with Emily, and Sean and Doug’s biceps almost breaks the wooden cart they’re riding in. They clop over to the top of a hill to a 13th century castle. Em and Doug-licious go off by themselves, and it’s clear that Doug is acting like an uptight geek. As the rain falls on them, she tells him he’s a slow mover. He dives in for a kiss to prove her wrong, but she is unfazed and continues her rejection speech. She tells him it’s a no go, and he hops into a car and ugly cries all the way back home.

Watch Doug’s Swan Song:

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At dinner Chris and Sean nervously sit around, as now the three-on-one date has become an odious two-on-one date with a rose up for grabs. Sean takes her aside into a dark room, and the couple’s tongues immediately whip around in delight. Back upstairs Chris fidgets around and is about to explode into a tantrum because he doesn’t feel he’s getting the attention he deserves. When Em-jemima meets up with him, she compliments him profusely so he doesn’t bash his head into a wall. But once she ultimately decides to give the rose to Sean, Chris’ bobbleheads break inside his jacket, and he considers getting another tight eyelift to ease his insecurities.

Literary Orgy
For her last one-on-one date, Emily takes Jef into a puppet store, and he buys a princess, a lil princess, and a prince puppet to represent their possible new family life together. They walk into a breathtaking library, and Emily is shocked to realize there are so many books and thinking people in this world. To distract her from this reality, they play with their puppets and reveal truths about how they feel about each other through them. The lovebirds kiss, but thankfully, the puppets create a barrier between their secret places, so nothing inappropriate can go further. They proceed to lie on the floor of the library and talk about how many crumb snatchers they’ll be able to produce together. They make out, and the books fall on top of them and almost kill them.

Watch Emily and Jef Play with Puppets:

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At the cocktail party, Emily tells Chris Harrison she doesn’t want to go through a mix ‘n’ mingle because she knows exactly whom she will de-bud. When the host with the questionably smooth forehead makes the announcement to the guys, Bobblehead Chris freaks out, his eyes go bloodshot, and he shakes profusely.

At the rose ceremony, Emily hands out roses to Jef and Arie. Chris has standing seizures and can’t take it anymore as he sees the final rose sitting there, waiting to be devoured! He interrupts her before she hands it out and pulls her aside, saying he was an immature jerk on their last date and that he’s falling in love with her. She gives the final rose to him, which makes John “Wolf” howl with sorrow. Unfortunately, his high-frequency pitched howling can only be heard by dogs in a 10-mile radius.

Highlights From Next Episode
Lot of Sears soft lighting! Emily meets the guys’ Fockers! Bouffant hair! Crocodile tears!

Watch Monday’s Full Episode of “The Bachelorette”:

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