Monday night’s “Bachelorette” was breathtaking. Not just because Emily and her final three fertile suitors spun around the beautiful island of Curacao but also because she showed tears…ones that actually plopped out of her vacant dark brown eyeballs! It was something we’ve been waiting for all season—actual water streaming down her poker face!
Unfortunately, though, Emily knew that falling in love with three men would tear her up inside but that she’d have to carry forth and decide who would be best for her and Ricki.
Check out whose “strong” love loins she axed…you may surprised at her decision…
Perfecting the Art of Hesitation
Emily meets up with Sean, who wears a low-cut v-neck to show off his cleavage and prove to America he has bigger and more natural breasts than hers. They fly off in a helicopter and land on their own private island and talk about mundane things that make us want to toss sand into our mouths. Emily desperately waits for the reluctant Towhead to say the “L” word, but he decides he wants to see her goods to figure out how he really feels about her. They strip down into their swimming suits and make out in the water. As their tongues flicker amid the setting sun, dead fish and dolphins begin to pop up all around them. Seeing the damaged sea life, Chris Harrison cackles his brains out, smacks his lips, and pulls out the wasabi and chopsticks, since he knows he’ll be getting a free sushi meal.
See Emily and Sean’s Date:
At dinner, Emily tells Sean he’s the perfect man, and his ego grows bigger than his trapezoids. She asks him how he feels about her, and he decides to read her a note he meant for Ricki about being the greatest faux daddy ever. After 10 hours of beating around the bush, Sean finally tells her he’s fallen in love with her. Emmie’s ring finger gets itchy, and she hands him the fantasy suite card. He says hellz yeah, and they go swimming and mouth slurping again. But the North Cackeylackeyan’s “South Cackeylacky” says “Sike!” and she sends him home a few hours later.
Do You Love Me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’
For her second date, Em meets with
the preschooler Jef, and they hop on a boat and talk to each other like 5th graders. He tells the camera he wants to meet Ricki to make sure they can get along and won’t fight over toys. But before he drills Emily with his pending questions, he dives into the water with her, and they swim to an island. As they wrap their arms around each other, we compare who has the more effeminate limbs…and we believe Jef is the winner.
At dinner the Young Boyo decides to turn the tables and grill Em. He asks her where she wants to live, and she says she’s willing to join his compound in Salt Lake City. He asks her why she’s can’t seem to find a man, and she tells him she hasn’t found the right
moneymaker man yet. And then he asks her one last hard question: Would Ricki like him? As we expect, she says he’d be a perfect fit. He quietly smiles thinking about how many times he’ll be able to put the Little Giggler in Time Out.
As he daydreams of revealing his nightmarish stepdaddy side, Emily offers him the key to the fantasy suite. Because he’s never gotten to second base, he lies and says he won’t pursue her nether regions “out of respect” for her (and because his parents would spank him if they saw him get PG-13 on national television). Em reassures him that they can just make out for a few hours, and he quickly agrees. After a few hours of pecking, Jef and his fro leave the premises.
Watch Jef Share His Feelings About the Fantasy Suite:
A Race to the Finish Line
Saving the best for last, Emily meets up with Arie, who slobbers all over her before she can speak. They go on a boat ride, and he eats her veneers for lunch. Of the remaining dolphins that Chris Harrison hasn’t eaten for lunch, the lovebirds decide to swim with one of them. The dolphin squeals and clicks, and thanks to a Google-translate-dolphin app, we’re able to decipher the mammal’s message: “I know more about love than the two of you combined!”
When they go to dinner, Emily asks Arie what he’s like on the day to day. He says he’s usually at the car shop or reading Maxim while on the john. He tells her he eats out frequently with his many friends, which makes her nervous because she hardly has any. They talk about Ricki, and he reassures her that he’s mature enough to know that his relationship with her daughter will be a slow process. Later he thanks Em for letting him feel he’s wearing the pants—not the panties in the relationship—for once in his life. To show the depth of her horny-toad-o-meter, Em reveals she won’t even approach Arie with the fantasy suite card because her love loins are too inflamed!
At the cocktail party, Emily decides her fake crying needs to be taken to the next level, so she carries Visine in her bra and waits for an opportune time. Sick of hearing her sniffling and gazing into at her blank stares, Chris Harrison orders her to watch the guys’ video messages.
Video message 1, Sean: “I was cynical before, but now that I met you, I want to spend my life with you and dominate you like a good, conservative Southern man would. No one’s tongue knows your molars the way mine does. I can’t wait to populate Texas with our country genes…oh, and Ricki can come along for the ride.”
Video message 2, Jef: “I want to read love poetry to you every day and teach you advanced 8th grade vocabulary that’ll help you get your GED. I can’t wait for you to join my creepily close-knit family and for you to become. one. of. us!”
Video Message 3, Arie: “Our first date at Dollywood was so cool, despite my being frightened of Dolly Parton’s face. My heart’s always racing towards you. I may look like John Travolta, but I promise I shall never frolic to the other team—even if they may be fine hunky masseuses with glistening chesticles with strong hands.”
Tears suddenly FALL—actually FALL—down Emily’s face. Thanks, Visine!
Brad Womack Type Goes Buh-Bye
At the rose ceremony, Emily surprises us by getting rid of the most masculine of them all! Blonde Sean! He hugs Arie and Jef goodbye and contemplates on squeezing the life out of them. Em walks him out, and she asks him to sit on a bench. She fake sniffles, and after an awkward silence, he tells her he feels stupid. She breaks down and says generic things like “I loved every minute” and “Thank you for everything.” Sean shrugs his shoulders and gets into the Car of No Return. To make himself feel the journey was worth the sun poisoning, he beats up the driver on the way to the airport.
Watch Emily Break Down Over Her Choice:
Highlights From the Next Episode
The Men Tell All! Emily has family?! Emily “cries” some more! Chris Harrison has no mercy on her! More sightings of obese breasts!
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