‘Dallas’: John Ross, I Knew J.R. J.R. Was a Friend of Mine. You, Sir, Are No J.R.

'Dallas' (Photo: TNT)

Hi there, “Dallas” fans. This is John Ross (Josh Henderson). I know you’ve been coming here every week to study my father’s words of wisdom. But he’s gone AWOL and left me in charge. Hey, stop laughing. That’s not very nice. I do have a sensitive side, you know. I may not have my dad’s lifetime of experience, his brains, or his overall magnificent bastard je ne sais quoi. (Christopher’s not the only Ewing who can speak French!) But I have stubble and a cool car that you might have noticed was made by Chevrolet, and I look great with my shirt off. Also, I can totally run Ewing oil. No, really. I have advice for you, if my elders will let me get in a word edgewise.

You’re just like your daddy: all hat and no cattle – Bobby to John Ross

First of all, what does that even mean? It’s not like I’m the one who had to kill a cow because I couldn’t figure out how to deliver her baby, like you did Uncle Bobby (Patrick Duffy). Second, I don’t just talk the talk. I walk the walk. I’m the man. Those trucks are going to be shipping two billion barrels of black gold from Southfork to Venezuela any minute now. I’m not going to let some sex tape with that crazy lady I hired to scam everybody stop me from getting what I want. I mean, all of the coolest celebrities have sex tapes.

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I just never pegged you as the type to have his wife do his bidding. – John Ross to Bobby

That’s right. I just implied that Bobby was not a real man because his wife is the one who thwarted me. Also, I was 99 percent sure that Bobby had no idea that his wife paid a little visit to her ex to get the oil trucks to stop working for Ewing. My daddy would be so proud of the way I stirred up trouble. Besides, I would never, ever send my theoretical future wife, who is hypothetically named Elena (Jordanna Brewster), to fight my battles. Christopher’s wife, on the other hand, and the crazy woman I shagged, are fair game. That’s why I had no qualms about asking them to knock Lobell’s son off the wagon.

You’re running for governor. I need you to play politics. Promise Ryland something. Whatever you want, I don’t care… I just need those trucks back… Screw your promises. You’ve been compromising everything with me since I was born. – John Ross to Sue Ellen

Real men don’t let their wives do their dirty work. They run to their mommies. Yes, I decided that the best way to fight Team White Hat was by asking my mother to make a shady deal with a shady guy that could possibly taint her campaign. Hey, all politicians are owned by corporations, right? Mama might as well get in bed with the corporate overlord that will help me. When my mom turned out to have integrity and wanted to be the only politician not owned by people like my dad, I played the parental guilt card. Whining about your rotten childhood to get your way is one trick not even J.R. knows. It totally worked, too. Maybe mom’s going to get one of Ryland’s tacky QVC lockets, too. Sorry, state of Texas. I had to sell you out to save my oil.

I tossed him in the briar patch so he could learn how to get out of it. J.R. to Bum on John Ross — while getting a manicure

J.R. (Larry Hagman) here. Why the heck are you listening to my son? I’m not dead. I’m in Vegas, planning to wreck Cliff Barnes’ life via high stakes old man poker. Yes, I’m getting a manicure. No, it’s not metrosexual. I learned early on that women always notice a man’s hands. It’s how you can tell whether he’s an oil rigger or an executive. No, I’m not getting my eyebrows trimmed. They’re the source of all my strength, like Sampson and his long hair. In any case, like I told my man Bum, I put John Ross in the line of fire because I’m practicing tough love. This will make a real business man out of him. It seems like he’s finding a way to get those oil trucks pumping. I wish that his plan didn’t consist of getting Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) to solve his problems. She always did coddle the boy.

Your father may own Southfork, but mine controls the mineral rights. – Christopher to John Ross

How is it possible that some old dude who sold Southfork to my grandpa separated the land from the mineral rights? Now I have no rights to the oil. Why is business so complicated? My dad is going to be disappointed and banish me to the barn. How come everyone thinks that Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) is the good guy anyway? He tried to blackmail me, treated Elena like trash instead of just politely asking her to keep her distance for the sake of her marriage, and is now gloating like the jerk that he is. Okay, maybe I started the feud. But it’s just so unfair that his dad shows him unconditional love even when he marries a con artist or causes an earthquake in China, while mine never cuts me any slack. Seriously, Christopher is a much bigger screw up than I am. Well, Christopher, I know something that will wipe that smug grin off your face. You’re about to be a father. At least when I hook up with grifters, I use condoms.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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