‘Dallas’: Other Ewings Ask Themselves ‘What Would J.R. Do?’

Larry Hagman as J.R. Ewing in "Dallas" (TNT)

J.R. here. I have dispatched Bum to purchase every single issue of this week’s Entertainment Weekly since I am on the cover — as well I should be. Do you think any of the “Twilight” and “Vampire Diaries” whippersnappers will be on magazine covers when they are 81 years old?  I don’t cotton to that undead garbage. In Texas,when a man dies it’s permanent, unless it’s all a year-long dream sequence that culminates with him appearing in the shower. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Those who read the magazine will learn the reason why I was in one measly scene in this week’s episode. My alter ego Larry Hagman was undergoing cancer treatment during filming. He kept working like a boss, because no mere disease was going to slow his eyebrows down. The producers know better than to backburner me. I am “Dallas.” The young folks are just the eye candy. However, this week they did an admirable job of applying my wisdom to their own sad little lives. My boy managed to rise to the occasion until he fell faster than a crazy she-devil plunging off a hotel balcony.

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Exhibit A: Christopher hands John Ross the DVD of his sexscapade with Faux Marta. (By the way, my son got all his moves from me.)

John Ross: Remember when we used to play pick up basketball, first of ten? I always knew that if I let you score a few points, you’d get cocky, let your guard down.

Christopher: The trust is air tight. You’re not going to be able to dissolve it or get a majority vote.

John Ross: We’ll see about that.

Christopher: You can’t win, John Ross, Without the mineral rights on Southfork, you can’t even sell the mud off your boots.

John Ross: I’ll let you have that for free. …(referencing the DVD) Thanks for the coaster.

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Every father dreams of the moment his son will get the best of his foundling nephew. John Ross (Josh Henderson) did me proud. He opened with a historical analogy that displayed knowledge of Christopher’s (Jesse Metcalfe) character flaws. Then he moved on to a true insult, before concluding with a dismissal of Christopher’s powerful trump card. It reminded me of some of my best confrontations with Bobby (Patrick Duffy). When I watched it, I thought it was just a matter of hours before John Ross got that Southfork oil flowing.

Exhibit B: Rebecca: I’m sorry I threw up in your bathroom. – To Elena

This grifter could teach Faux Marta a few things about the game.Rebecca (Julie Gonzalo) knows that a wholesome veneer is the best way to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes — not that it takes much to snow Bobby and Christopher. When Christopher’s refusal to return her calls made it impossible for her to deliver the pregnancy trump card, she masterfully pays a calculated visit to Elena. Using the guise of dropping off a thank you gift  for driving her to the hospital last week, Rebecca suffers a convenient bout of morning sickness. Of course she knows that Elena (Jordanna Brewster) will realize she has a bun in the oven and tell Christopher. I’d bet my last dollar that Becky was on fertility pills to make sure that no matter what happened she’d have a toehold in the Ewing family. That would explain why she is having twins. Poor Christopher is stuck with her now. That’s why I taught John Ross to always wear his rubbers. I don’t want to handle Faux Marta Junior’s tantrums.

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Exhibit C:  J.R.: A cheated man is a dangerous man. Just ask my son. – to Bum on Cliff’s assistant Frank

I made the most of my three minutes of airtime. My trusted P.I.,who you all learned was an ex-con, filled me on Cliff’s right hand man. It turns out he’s the Pip to Cliff’s Magwith. That’s right, I have not only read “Great Expectations“,, I met Charles Dickens at a bar in London when I was making my first international deal. We got into a conversation comparing  Dallas to London, and he commented that it truly was a tale of two cities. Cliff, moron that he is, turned the little street urchin he basically adopted into a jealous potential thorn in his side that I can exploit for my own purposes. It’s kind of like the way John Ross feels about me, except Cliff isn’t smart enough to turn him to the darkside.

Exhibit D: Sue Ellen: Elena, when the day comes that you have to choose between your child and anybody else, I hope you choose wisely. And, as the sole investor in your enterprise, I hope you always make the wise choice. 

 That’s my girl! My ex-wife is the only person who I have ever underestimated. It turns out that all those years Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) had her head stuck in a bottle, she was listening and learning from yours truly. The way she subtly told Elena that she would damn well give John Ross some of  her oil so he could pay off the Venezuelans was vintage me. Elena knows what side her bread is buttered on — which comes naturally when you’re the cook’s daughter. I do wish that John Ross would stop solving his problems by running to Mama. If he had asked me for help, I would have told him to figure it out his damn self. The woman is going to have the Texas legislature wrapped around her little finger when she is elected governor.

Exhbit E: Bobby: You mess with my wife in any way, I will beat you into next Sunday. – to Harris

When Bobby punched Harris Ryland (Mitch Pileggi), I actually respected him for about five minutes. Of course, then he managed to ruin it by caving after Harris had him arrested and apologizing to get the charges dropped. He did manage to get in a few good jabs while bowing and scraping, like his threat to give him a real butt kicking if he messed with Ann(Brenda Strong) again. Bobby has always been better at brawling than thinking. However, a true Ewing would have already thoroughly investigated Ann and known all her dirtiest secrets before the wedding, and thrown Harris’s dossier of her crimes and misdemeanors back in his face. Oh well. Like father, like (adopted) son.

I sure wish John Ross’s legal problems could be solved with a mea culpa. Now that my dumb heir apparent managed to get himself arrested for murdering Faux Marta, I may have to return to Dallas to bail his scrawny butt out of trouble. See you  next week, when I hope I have more of the good lines.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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