Monday night’s “Bachelor Pad” was all fun and games and libidinous lies(!) as the house showed that their brain power was collectively smaller than a brontosaurus’—their talent for non-strategy was bananas. Most of the contestants merely aligned themselves with whom they thought were like, the cool kids, so it kinda felt like we were watching a B-rated porno version of “Heathers.” However, Polish Chris seemed to pride himself in thinking he was getting ahead of the curb by becoming a male prostitute over night, while Super Fan Dave was doing the most begging to keep his spot so he could feel like A Somebody.
As every season, there were some contestants who just couldn’t handle the pressure and dove into their psychotic emotions. This time cray-cray went to all new heights with the Jerry Springer Twins. More of that later.
Check out the highlights before I choke myself with Chris Harrison’s horrible double-pocketed cargo pants…
As the first competition, the entire house is forced to do a rhythmic gymnastics routine in tight leotards in front of a panel of judges. What this means for the ladies: cellulite cannot be hidden. What this means for the men: Diminutive family jewels cannot be hidden and a cornucopia of various-sized man breasts will flap in the wind for all to see.
Chris Harrison reveals the judges: Ashley Hebert and JP (please get real jobs, guys) and a former Olympic gymnast, who’s totally setting a great example for other has-been Olympians looking for a career change.
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And so it begins! The ladies go first and their routine screams bulging-butt crap-tas-trophe. As for Erica Rose, her tippy toes appear to be on crack.
Now the men! With their gazelle-like movements, jazz hands, and “Zoolander” model expressions, the men blow it out the water! The women gasp with jealousy, unable to handle seeing Kalon’s supermodel legs and Ed’s enjoyment in having spandex give him a wedgie!
When the performances come to a close, Erica Rose and Ed are voted the worst (meaning one vote each against them), while Blakeley and Michael Stagliano (a.k.a. Stags) are voted the best (meaning group dates and immunity)!
Rocking the Cradle of Love
For his group date, The Stags tells the cameras he’s not thinking strategy; he’s thinking with his mini Stagliano. He chooses Rachel, Lindzi, and Super Fan Donna. They walk into a huge theater in downtown L.A. to discover a constipated rock band with the lead singer sporting a bad case of Bieber hair.
Donna and her mountain-sized utters grab Stags to dance the night away, but shortly thereafter, Rachel pulls him off to the side and makes out with him. (Apparently, Lindzi is off in a corner somewhere practicing how to be cutesy with her creepy kid’s voice from “The Shining.”) By the end of the date, as much as Stags likes how Donna resembles The Karate Kid with a wig on, he chooses Rachel to bestow the immunity rose to.
Meanwhile infantile Chris “strategizes” by making out with long-necked Jamie and then crawls into bed and rubs his five o’clock shadow on Blakeley. Unfortunately for Jamie, she catches the two slobbering on each other and it makes her cry—almost to the point that she’s tempted to unleash her secret: She’s really a man with fake eyelashes.
For her date Blakeley chooses Chris, Ed, and Super Fan Dave! They race in a soap box derby, and before it gets any more boring, always-high Ed ends up being the pickle-headed winner!
At dinner the four go into the hot tub, and they all secretly release bubbles that thankfully, we cannot smell through our flatscreens. Super Fan Dave begs for the rose and tells Blakeley his vote will be hers, but unfortunately for him, Chris manipulates Blakeley into believing he’ll be with her to the end; she ends up giving him the immunity rose.
When they return, the entire house falls into a lusty spell made possible by a vast array of pina coladas, and soon, the night becomes a behind-squeezing halitosis orgy fest, where many dirty tongues glide on expensive veneers and uncorrected overbites.
Little did the house know that sleep wouldn’t be part of the equation, thanks to the squabbling twins and their bipolar-ific personalities. The entire night the twins explode into tears and scream at each other, saying things that sound insane—with no end in sight!
“You’re being mean..you never stuck up for me ever!” screams one twin with waterfalls pouring out of her mascara-smeared eyeballs.
“I’m, like, totally done with you! Like yelling isn’t helping!” squeals another with pulled-back swamp hair.
In a surprise twist, the twins pack up and leave The Pad, and while the rest of the house suffers from mega swollen faces from lack of sleep, good news comes to the remaining ladies: Since the twins skeedaddled, no gal will have to be voted off! Only a guy will be on the chopping block!
Because Reid secretly despises Ed (for taking away Jillian Harris and for being an unapologetic playa hata), he tries to put a monkey wrench into his and Chris’ plan to take control of the game. The Teddy Ruxpin runs off and tells the ladies to vote off Ed, and in a jealous rage of not feeling included, Sarah (who did the rompty romp with Ed the night before) tells the Playboy to his face she’s voting his drunken arse off.
In the end, Jamie becomes the tie breaker, and because she’s grossed out by her partner Ryan’s virginal advances towards her more than Ed’s chlorine-filled underoos, she votes Ryan off!
Highlights From Next Week’s Episode
Potato sack racing! Stags and Rachel start a budding romance—too bad she’s six inches taller than him! Reid and Ed drink each other’s haterade!
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