Monday night’s “Bachelor Pad,” demonstrated that the contestants have mastered one thing above all else: the art of tooting out interminable brain farts instead of strategic thinking. Like contestants of “BP” past, this season’s contestants are weeding out those who are either easy to boot off or those whom they feel are a threat to their love loins. In short, they’re acting out of laziness or from their screaming reproductive systems and are leaving their hardest competition til the very end.
But there are a few exceptions. When it comes to the ladies, Blakeley was out for blood to win the money, and her excessive masculine energy was giving some of the boys—especially partner Chris—nightmarish visions of ginormous teeth and mammary glands coming after them. As for the boys, Reid and Kalon were taking a stab at being clever little foxes, but since using their grey matter was not welcomed into these here parts, someone got their arse bit.
And then there was unassuming party boy Ed, who was too busy flapjacking the ladies and dunking his head in barrels of beer, that he had no idea that embittered Reid was conspiring against him as a last “F-You” for taking away his chance at an endless love buffet of Canadian bootie (a.k.a. Jillian Harris).
Catch Up on “Bachelor Pad”:
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Check out if Reid succeeded in his plan…
For the Pad’s first competition, the gang is driven to a field to compete in an obstacle course called “Hot Sludge Fundae,” in which couples have to wade through ice cream, slide on hot fudge, crab crawl through a field of whip cream, dump five scoops of nuts on their heads, and race in nut sacks (stop laughing), and at the very end, eat a cherry in a bowl.
After Chris Harrison mixes up the couples to make things interesting, the girls start the games. They strip down into their bikinis, and then BAM! They jump into a tub of vanilla ice cream! The ice cream almost disintegrates, thanks to Erica Rose inhaling most of it. Jamie soars into the lead (because she’s an athletic man), and Jaclyn ends up being last (because Mallard Ducks don’t like swimming through whip cream)!
The ladies tag their partners, and next the boys are off! The guys hop into their nutsacks, and they feel right at home since they know what it feels like to…well…dig into their nutsacks! Dave the Super Fan and Michael Stagliano torpedo into the lead, and although it was super close, Dave wins it! He and his partner Rachel each get immunity and dates with three peeps!
Because Ed forgot to drink his Red Bull and snort coffee beans, he ends up never getting past the fudge slide and angrily decides to fudge in his own pants since no one would know the difference. He loses and pulls his partner Jamie down with him, garnering votes against them. In the distance, Reid topples over in laughter, and we watch his post-Jillian jelly belly jiggle!
Love In Overdrive
For his date, Super Fan Dave takes out Blakeley, Erica Rose, and Jamie out to the prom. A band plays, and all four of them dance hideously and take corny pictures. Because he’s into chicks with strong trapezoids, Dave dips Jamie and kisses her for their photo op! She swallows her puke, but he ends up giving her the rose, despite Blakeley threatening him.
Meanwhile Reid clandestinely shimmies his way into getting people to vote Ed off but reassures the latter that he’s totally got his back. Feeling safe, Ed, along with most of the gang later that night, decide to have another orgiastic soiree. Wasted beyond belief, Ed piggybacks his partner Jaclyn into the bedroom and does despicable acts, although he masterfully manages to avoid looking at her permanent stink-eyed expression and bulimic cheeks.
For Rachel’s date, she asks Nick (a.k.a. Protein Shake), Ton (a.k.a. Cry Baby), and Stags (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) to go along and have fun with her at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum. After Chris Harrison acts like a wax figure and then scares them silly with his real face, he tells them they’ll be acting like wax figures to frighten “Bachelor” fans. Upon immediately hearing the word “wax,” Rachel touches her upper lip and crosses her legs nervously…as for the-scaring-the-fans segment, ZZZZZ, is all I gotta say.
Inclined to feign over chiseled jaw bones, Rachel gives the rose to her love interest Michael “Stags,” and they end up exchanging promises and face sucking the only way people can who’ve known each other for a respectable three long days.
Power Couples vs. Underdogs
Trying to break up the power couples that are emerging (Jaclyn and Ed, Blakeley and Chris, Stags and Rachel, Kalon and Lindzi), Reid starts out by trying to get rid of Ed and Blakeley.
Once Ed finds out that Reid is lying to his face, he confronts him, but Reid continues lying to him, claiming everyone else is lying.
Shortly thereafter, Reid pulls Jaclyn aside and tells her that Ed will be going home and that she should team up with him. Because Jaclyn can’t take the backstabbing, she begins to cry, and we shutter in horror as she offers her most constipated face.
Ultimately, dead-eyed Kalon and emotional rollercoaster Sarah are the swing votes, and the votes boil down to Blakeley vs. Donna and Reid vs. Ed.
At the rose ceremony, the verdict is out: In the closest vote in “BP” history, Donna and Reid go home as the losahs!
Highlights From Next Week
The ugly truthiness game! Blakeley and Chris’ testosterone go head to head! Chris feels up Jamie’s Adam’s Apple! Chris gets down and dirty with Always Available Sarah! Chris and Kalon exchange bromance glances!
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