‘Bachelor Pad’: Chris Bukowski Turns a Love Triangle Into a ‘Love Square’

Chris Bukowski on Bachelor Pad (ABC)

The intro to Monday night’s “Bachelor Pad” was like a dream, thanks to all that inexplicable soft lighting. Freakaaay. But that misty, dream-like montage that conjured images of tella novellas (or quite frankly, an ABC interview with Diane Sawyer) belied the reality of the wretched, clear-cutting backstabbing that was taking place!

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While some contestants were continuing the tradition of walking around like cross-eyed zombies in regard to strategy, more visceral jokers like Polish Chris chose to think with his nether regions by creating a “love square” between himself, Blakeley, Jamie, and Sarah. But unfortunately for him, some in his couples’ alliance began to question his aggressive tactics and second guess whether someone with such tight eyelids, sleazy five o’clock shadows, anger management problems, and a dead-on Kermit voice could really be trusted.

Thankfully, Michael Stagliano decided to knock some sense in their alliance, and for the first time, joint strategy became more widespread—in the form of lying to people right to their desperate mugs.

Catch Up on “Bachelor Pad”:

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Check out how things got dirrrty…

He/She Said What?!
Fresh from kicking vindictive Reid and balloony boobilicious Donna out, the gang is instructed the night ain’t over til it’s over. Chris Harrison tells them that they must fill out surveys before they go to bed. The next morning, he reveals they’ll play a GameShow Mashup, which like “Bachelor Pad” seasons of the past, reveals contestants’ craptastic thoughts of each other.

Ladies first! After answering a series of boring Bachelor/ette trivia, the second portion of the game called “Who Said That?” starts causing tension. The worst statement for the ladies: “Which guy said Blakeley has accomplished the least in life?” Answer: Vacant-eyed, perpetually red-faced Nick. (But because Blakeley is half man, she shrugs her shoulders and hacks up a loogie like she’s got back country instincts,  ya’ll.)

As for the men, their worst trivia question for them is: “Which girl said Jaclyn is the most fake and lies and manipulates constantly?” Answer: Ballerina twirling Jamie. At hearing this, Jaclyn gives her the stink eye and decides she’s going to roast her fake eyelashes as an appetizer.

In the end, Jaclyn and Ed each win immunity roses and special one-on-one dates for scoring the most points, and Super Fan Dave and Rachel get a vote against them for having the lowest scoring points (i.e. slow brains).

Fly Balls
For the one-on-one, Jaclyn picks her partner Ed, so together they can fully represent all peoples who were born with their eyes very close together. They go to an empty Dodgers Stadium, dress in baseball uniforms, and mockingly sing the national anthem, which makes Chris Harrison want to attack them naked with a baseball bat.

After consuming nitrite-filled, phallic hot dogs, Jaclyn discovers she must give an immunity rose to a guy. Ed pushes her to give the rose to his boy Chris.

Meanwhile Blakeley and her woolly mammoth twins are floating in a hottub of stress as she’s beginning to feel she really cannot trust Chris. Sick of hearing her complain, Chris runs off with Jamie and lets her seductively bite on his thumb in bed. Unfortunately, the desperate chick doesn’t suspect that just minutes before, he used his thumb to plug up his gaseous outtakes from eating boiled eggs all day…

The Love Square of Doom
Since Chris got the immunity rose, he also wins a date. To Blakeley and Jamie’s surprise, he chooses to take Sarah on his one-on-one. The two make a cheesy action movie together and in the end, stay overnight at a hotel to exchange crabs.

While Chris digs his own grave, back at the Pad, Chris Harrison gives Ed a rose to bestow to one of the ladies . After consorting with “Sexy Jaw” Michael Stagliano, he gives immunity to Rachel.

Lies! All Lies!
When the rose ceremony comes round, Blakeley and Jamie end up being on the chopping block for the women, while Super Fan Dave and meathead Nick are for the men.

Feeling overly confident and dizzily fresh from his bow chicka wow wow! with Tweety Bird-lipped Sarah, Chris tries to convince his couples’ alliance to kick overbearing Blakeley off their team, but strategic-thinking Stags doesn’t play that. Unlike the vast majority of non-thinkers, the Breakdancer knows that if Chris were to get his way, he may easily gain even more power to call the shots in the coming weeks since Sarah and Erica Rose are besties and gullible Jamie would do anything for him.

Meanwhile, Kalon guffaws with Chris, making the egomaniacal Pole believe he’s on his side, but honest Ed warns Chris he’s shaking up the game in a bad way since his prepubescent secret place is determining his actions. The three discuss how they’ll be voting; Kalon stares at the two in the eyes and tells them he most assuredly will be voting off Blakeley. Ed says he’ll play along with Chris and Kalon’s plan. Minutes later, the masterful two-faced luxury brand consultant struts into the booth and slips Jamie’s pic into the slot!

See Ya, Wouldn’t Want to Be Ya
In the end, Kalon wins with his deceptive move—Blakeley is saved and Jamie goes home! (Did clogged-nose Ed do the same? Perhaps next week we shall find out.) As for the dudes, Super Fan Dave super loses, which means we’ll be guaranteed to be haunted by Nick’s beer-guzzling, bloated face and chesticles for one more week.

As the losers are driven off to live their miserable lives in real reality, the two end up crying—but for different reasons: Dave cries tears of gratitude at having “the experience of a lifetime,” and sadly, we realize he really doesn’t have a life. And Jamie sobs for herself for being played by a playa hatin’ Muppet.

Highlights From Next Week’s Episode
Teacup challenge—no teabagging included! Kalon offers snake love to foolish Lindzi! Stags and Rachel exchange forbidden saliva! Chris attacks Kalon for betraying him! Chris flips out on Ed for making him feel like a child! The immaturity theme strikes the Pole again! Surely it’s a coinkedink!

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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