Now that was game play—finally! Last night’s “Bachelor Pad” lived up to its game show status at last but only because of the producers’ plan to shake things up and add a twist to the rose ceremony.
Before that, things were looking pretty inevitable for Chris’ demise, considering his previous plan to bump off preying mantis Blakeley failed bigger than his attempt to act like an adult. However, being the vindictive son of a gun that he was, he devised a plan to take down a lady contestant so he could stick it to his newly worst enemy!
Meanwhile, as hate was brewing at one end of the house, face-sucking coupledom was piping hot on the other end with some unexpected she-bang-bang popping up out of nowhere!
For the deets, keeping reading…
Boy Meets World
Fresh from the last rose ceremony, Chris crawls into his bunk like a tantrum-filled 10-year-old and sulks. Once Kalon saunters into the room in search of his denture cleaner, Chris berates him for being a dishonest weasel. “I tell you what you need to hear; you’re a loose cannon,” Kalon shoots back.
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Equally irate with Ed, Chris runs off to the living room to tell him off, too. Ed screams at him, saying he had made a last minute decision to appease his duck-faced partner Jaclyn.
“You don’t have to f*cking scream at me! Talk to me like a grown a** man!” explodes Chris as he slams his Xbox console down onto the floor.
“You will not dictate what I dooo!” blasts Ed with his helium voice. He stomps off and throws his wine glass onto the floor. Chris spreads his dirty big toes out into the stale air to simmer down.
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‘The Great Fall of China’
As their first challenge, the gang is forced to balance tea cups and saucers—six in total—in a race. The first woman and man to do that win immunity. However, this time, losers will not be penalized.
When the ladies go at it, the race ends up being between Sarah and competitive Blakeley, who luckily has an advantage due to her experience balancing her heavy man-made mammaries and working as a waitress at Hooters. In the end, Blakeley wins! (Chris’ tiny jewels shrivel up in defeat.)
As if the world’s giving him a beat down, Chris gets a second castration of the day when Tony—Blakeley’s new partner—wins on the men’s side!
Kalon Reveals He Wants to Fall in Love With Someone Other Than Himself
Since Blakeley plans on taking Tony on a date, she gives her extra immunity rose to Kalon, who ends up taking Lindzi on a romantic outdoor dinner date for two in downtown Los Angeles. Finally being able to be alone with Miss Smoker’s Voice, Kalon suddenly turns nervous and talks about zombies to pass the time. Then he erupts into how much he’s falling for her and manages to diss Emily Maynard one last time.
Busy shaking her hair into her face, Lindzi suddenly smiles at him and manages to slightly look like a man. Once he sees the reflection of his face in her teeth, Kalon smiles back with infatuation. They slobber all over each other, and his shiny big bottom lip envelopes her.
Unexpected Love Muffins
Choosing the overnight date, Tony takes Blakeley out as they drive in a jeep to…Redneck Central! Although the two expected a fancy surprise helicopter ride to some exotic destination, they end up following their map out to a trailer with a barbecue grill in tow in the middle of the desert!
After a dinner of raccoons and rabid bats, Tony turns on the car radio and surprisingly romances Blakeley. Pukingly, the all-too familiar Wes Hayden song comes on: “They say love don’t come eassyyy…” They slow dance, and Tony dips her, and the two almost topple over onto the ground, thanks to Blakeley’s Rocky Mountains. They exchange tongues and eventually walk into their trailer to finish dirty deeds we cannot speak of.
While Tony and Blakeley’s trailer shakes it like a Polaroid picture, Chris is determined to take down Lindzi to inflict pain on Kalon’s Grinch heart. Unfortunately, his plan to convince Tony to give the extra immunity rose to Sarah fails; instead, Tony obeys Blakeley and gives the rose to Jaclyn.
When the rose ceremony kicks off, Chris Harrison skips into room and expresses out loud how interesting it is that almost all the partners are canoodling. Jaclyn giggles but Ed stops her in her tracks, telling everyone that he came just for the money. She goes off and quacks out tears for the rest of the night.
To break up the awkward rejection, Chris H. has bad news for the power alliance: New rules! Everyone will vote off one woman tonight, but that woman will take a man down with her—no negotiations!
The Take Down
Since Michael Stagliano knows if they vote off Sarah he might be on the chopping block, he decides to play the ultimate scheme. He gets his alliance to lie to Erica Rose and tell her Chris is devising her demise. Knowing she’s a vengeful slow-speaking tortoise, he knows Erica will then take down Chris!
As Stags’ alliance begins to tell Erica the lie, she angrily confronts Chris and tells him he’ll be sorry. Although Chris tries to convince her he’s planning on voting off Lindzi, she refuses to believe him.
Desperate to show Erica he’s not lying, Chris jokes to Kalon he might as well bring Erica into the voting booth with him to show her that he’s not voting for her. Observing an opportunity to jack things up for the sake of jacking things up, Kalon’s snake-like eyes flicker as he quietly urges Chris to go ahead and do just that!
Stags sees Chris taking Erica into the voting booth…and his Vanilla Ice jaw lines begin to become more pronounced as he grinds his teeth in fear!
“If I’m voted off, I’m taking this house down with me,” Erica tells Stags.
In the end the one woman who has the most votes is indeed glass-gavel carrying Erica Rose! No big surprise, she immediately chooses Michael as her victim and proudly announces the house needed him gone. Before she gets into her limo, she blasts him with insults, calling him “the master manipulator,” a “crappy person,” and a “tiny little man.” She also adds in her monotone voice: “The smartest thing that Holly did was dumping you and marrying Blake…this is karma.”
The ladies all give fugly cries as a defeated Stags says his goodbyes; Rachel and her nose ring are inconsolable.
Highlights From Next Week:
Rachel snots out her sorrows! A spelling bee challenge reveals no one has graduated past the 8th grade! Jaclyn tries to get Ed to feel butterflies for her! Jaclyn scowls and looks like a dragon demon!
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